(i wrote this yesterday and it made me feel much better to say it out loud. i don’t mean to bum anyone out, but i need all the help i can get.)
the end of this week has been rough. i have been blind-sided by a number of emotionally crushing communications. i am not even sure how i should talk about it. what i should say out loud. but i have to say something. cause if i hide it, that is a bad sign. i want to fight the heartache and hurt i feel right now. i want to be stronger than it. to be stronger than the people who have caused me/made me/done something that resulted in me feeling so horrible. like, slide down onto the floor and cry uncontrollably horrible. i did call katie. twice even. she came over with randy and they were both quite wonderful. what do i say? do i post the email message i got from andreas? do i explain the conversations i had with my best friend? do i talk about being left out by my classmates? what i really want is not to care. to be ok with it all. to not care that someone i previously loved, someone i worked really hard at having a good relationship with, has been cutting me down left and right. and when previously i have expressed my pain at his words, he insists his view is obviously the right one and i am being ridiculous and hypocritical. am i? that is probably the hardest thing about all of this. i can’t figure out what is right and what is wrong anymore. i don’t trust my own judgment anymore. i don’t think for a minute that i am not part of what didn’t work for us. i am not perfect. but i try. i try very hard. and the things i do, i do because i am trying to support and help my friends/partners. sometimes i share things because of my belief in the truth being the most important thing. and sometimes those truths hurt people. i talk about things people don’t talk about. but i don’t mean harm by it. i mean to help keep people from a bigger harm. several people have said to me lately that people avoid conflict. well sure, but to completely avoid it? people don’t want to think about the negative personality traits that people they know have. cause it is easier just to ignore it. i guess it is about priority. it is about the path of least resistance. it is about the fact, that to most people, if it didn’t happen to them, it isn’t so bad. of course, there are horrendous things people can do that will cause everyone to reject them. but those things are usually illegal too. the habit i have of assessing someone’s friendship worthiness based on their whole personality and not just the part than impacts me, limits my relationships. but any other way seems so selfish. aren’t we supposed to support each other? look out for each other? how can we do that if we don’t look at people in their entirety? i am not saying i have never done anything wrong. that i don’t have my own flaws some people would reject. but what does character count for? apparently MLK had a woman in every town. bill clinton certainly did. are those character flaws? sure. cheating on your partner is a character flaw. should i toss them out with the bathwater? probably not. so how is this situation any different? doesn’t that suggest i am overreacting? that i just care more because it is me hurting? or is it the infinite shades of grey? that MLK and clinton had roles so large they transcend these types of flaws. that these flaws don’t matter to the great things they did for society? does that mean it is only reasonable for improv buddies to not care how andreas treated me? i don’t know. i just know that i am hurting so very very much and i don’t know what to do about it. i know what i want. i want someone to defend me. i want someone to scream so that everyone hears “he hurt her and he is a jerk for dong it!” optimally, i want people to chose me, but i know that isn’t right. it just isn’t right to make people chose. and besides, what do they get from me? nothing. what do they get from him? improv/party buddy.
someone today told me he slept with someone i had no idea he slept with. it happened while we were “broken up” but subsequently i found out about someone else he had slept with, while we were apart and he didn’t like something i wrote in my blog (seriously, that’s what he said) and asked specifically that he not leave me in the dark. he agreed. but then he didn’t tell me. it isn’t even the sleeping with the person, it is the hiding it from me that bothers me. DO NOT HIDE THINGS FROM ME! i can forgive most indiscretions. i really do understand how sometimes we do less than optimal things. it’s natural. i have a VERY hard time forgiving the sin of omission. trust me, the risk of me not finding out is NOT worth the risk of me finding out. not by a long shot. how can i trust almost anything now? and this isn’t even the first thing he “did” to me this weekend. he flaunted he new relationships in front of me. and told me how he LOVES the exam table i acquired, though he wasn’t big on it when we were together. even though i loved it. how is that supposed to feel? i can tell you, it feels horrible. so so so horrible. why does he pain me so? how come i can’t make it stop hurting?
then there is my best friend. i don’t want to post her business here. her business with me. she was there that day. when patrick ended our marriage. i called her and said i needed her and she replied, “i’ll be there in 3 hours”. and she was. and she got mad at patrick. i couldn’t get mad at patrick. but she could. it was awesome to hear her say nasty things about him. but somehow now. now she keeps saying things my mom said when we had our big disagreement. she said, “now i know how that hurts you, i won’t do it again.” my mom said that. she said, “i want you to talk to your counselor”. my mom said that. my mom didn’t say what she had done was wrong, she just said she wouldn’t do it again. in my book, that doesn’t count. i am more means oriented, than ends oriented. motive is paramount. christine did say she thought what she did was wrong, but not until i pointed it out. that feels sort of weird. sure, you have to tell people when you are hurt. you can’t expect them to be mind-readers. but there is just something that doesn’t feel right. she keeps saying “we’ll just keep trying and we’ll work it out.” but i don’t know what that means. she said i was angry with her. what i am is afraid of her. i am afraid to put myself out for fear of being hurt again. my parents have hurt me all my life. she was like a safe place. i knew she couldn’t do anything/everything i would need or want, but i trusted her. she isn’t doing any of this on purpose. i think andreas might be. he hurts so this is how he makes himself feel better. part of me wishes i could drown my sorrows in flesh. or booze. or whatever. but those things don’t work for me. anyhow, i don’t know what to do about christine. i am afraid. and i have no idea what to do. all my life i have tried to be very articulate about my needs. probably too much so with patrick. and yet, am i communicating with anyone? and if my best friend can’t give me what i need, what do i do? how do i help that? no, i am not just going to “try again”. that’s stupid. nothing has changed that i can see. and i don’t want to get hurt. i am so tired of being hurt. and if you tell me that it is completely in my control whether i get hurt of not, i will pop you in the nose! it’s a two-way street for fuck sake! my therapist thinks i pick the wrong people (not my best friend, this was in context to something else). so how do i pick the right ones? how do i not get hurt? how do i work through the hurt. how do i work with a friend/partner to keep it from happening again?
i feel defective that this keeps happening to me and i can’t do anything to help it. i am 41 years old and i just keep getting emotionally smashed. i am a great person. i care about people very very much. i hate to see anyone i know in pain and i will always do whatever i can to try and relieve that pain. if i see somewhere i can help, i do. and i do it just because i can. it might not always work and it might not always be the right thing, but i don’t just sit there and watch them be in pain. it feels wonderful to me to be productive and helpful to people. i have a very strong sense of right and wrong. i can understand why that might be a problem for some people. but i am not a hypocrite. and on many things, i don’t have a problem with their believing/acting different. i just see it differently. though i do always want to understand it. so i ask a lot of questions. and sometimes i might not ask them as well as i should. but i am just trying to understand. there are those things that impact me directly that i do feel strongly about. judgmental about. and i feel conflicted about that. there are some cases where i think people should be judged and some not. but i don’t insist on my code for everyone. except when i am the one being hurt. does that make me a hypocrite? andreas’ having lied to me by not telling me about this girl makes dealing with him easier in a way. it makes me feel morally superior. is that wrong? some of my friends think it doesn’t matter what i do, within reason (no violence and such), as long as i do what i have to in order to feel better. they just want me to feel better. am i deluding myself? truth is so important. i don’t want to be deluding myself. i would rather struggle than delude myself into thinking i am better than i am. then again, other things that make me great? i am smart, not a genius, but i am a productive member of society. i have a keen fashion sense. i bake like nobodies business. i am strong. i get up each day and just go. my actions might not be optimal (i should be studying for a test right now, not writing this) but i think a lot of people would have given up a long time ago. but i am really tired of being hurt. i am 41 years old and i think i should be over this by now. why can’t i get over this. i am so tired of crying. i am so tired of feeling so alone.