part of me doesn't even care.

so my health insurance situation is even worse than i thought.  i will not get ANY subsidy going forward.  because when my UI runs out my insurance subsidy runs out.  why?  i get why my UI runs out.  but why, because i am no longer eligible for UI, should i NOT get help with health ins?  how are they related?  if i don’t get UI, it is even harder to pay my health ins.  $485 a month.  sheesh.  i am going to try and find cheaper ins.  wish me luck.  last time was a paperwork nightmare and i gave up (partially because of the subsidy).  it is just so frustrating.  it is time i don’t have to spend on stupid bureaucracy.  anyhow.

i hate nursing school.  all the nurses i talked to before i started said i would.  and i made it a year before getting here.  but i officially hate it.  the process is absurd.  the ANA is begging schools to change the curriculum.  i totally agree.  being organized would help too.  not wasting students time, not reading from the slides.  whatever.  i just have to get through it.  if i had a partner, a supportive partner who listened and proactively counseled me (without just trying to solve my problems…which are really solvable at this point) then i would have moments of joy to look forward to.  moments of beauty and relaxation and hope with my partner.  the belief that someone, who could make a difference, cared.  lots of people care.  lots of people are very encouraging.  but that can’t really make a difference in my experience, beyond the confidence.  which i really appreciate and i really love.  but i’d like more.  is it wrong to want more?  i don’t think it is wrong.

i feel like a squeaky wheel.  though part of me thinks of it as a mantra that gets me through.  time, all i need is time.  and to win the lottery.

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