let me start by saying it is better to be having this problem than the opposite. i have too many dating offers. and i feel weird about all of it. though i have enjoyed the company of several people i have met and hung out with lately. i can honestly say i am a bit afraid of committing to have sex with any of them. which is totally bizarre. i am a sex-positive girl! of course, that has never meant i would sleep with just anyone. but i enjoy it and i miss it. and yet i feel more reluctant to share it these days. i want it to count. normally sex-positive means being open to experience and not too heavy about the meaning or conscience around sex. and yet, i feel pretty conservative about sharing it right now. perhaps i feel like people focus too much on my sexuality? which isn’t really fair, being my sexuality is really out there. i mean it is a big part of my life. but it isn’t just about having it. it is about experiencing it and i am not feeling quite right about to possibilities that have been coming my way lately. i feel a pressure to perform, to lead. and i don’t want to. i want it all to be casual. this probably goes along with my desire for a relationship that starts at the 6-month mark. anyhow, i am not sure what to do. i don’t want to disappoint people or bum out possible dates. but i also just don’t have the energy to deal with it all. going back to school is almost a relief in being able to bury myself in something. perhaps my grades will reflect that this summer session.
i got terrible news this week about my health insurance. because of a status my rep changed in my TAA file, i lost my subsidy. this is a mistake. but the IRS totally booted me from the system and, once it gets worked out, which it isn’t yet, i will have to go through the registration process ALL over again. which means at least 2 months of $485/mo in health ins. this is a prime example of why i don’t trust people and i ask again and again if something is done and what the consequences of changes are. i am suppose to call a particular office on monday to see about fixing it. but i have little hope that it will get fixed without my having to shell out $485/mo for several month. why me? i am a good person.