(i wrote this yesterday and it made me feel much better to say it out loud.  i don’t mean to bum anyone out, but i need all the help i can get.)

the end of this week has been rough.  i have been blind-sided by a number of emotionally crushing communications.  i am not even sure how i should talk about it.  what i should say out loud.  but i have to say something.  cause if i hide it, that is a bad sign.  i want to fight the heartache and hurt i feel right now.  i want to be stronger than it.  to be stronger than the people who have caused me/made me/done something that resulted in me feeling so horrible.  like, slide down onto the floor and cry uncontrollably horrible.  i did call katie.  twice even.  she came over with randy and they were both quite wonderful.  what do i say?  do i post the email message i got from andreas?  do i explain the conversations i had with my best friend?  do i talk about being left out by my classmates?  what i really want is not to care.  to be ok with it all.  to not care that someone i previously loved, someone i worked really hard at having a good relationship with, has been cutting me down left and right.  and when previously i have expressed my pain at his words, he insists his view is obviously the right one and i am being ridiculous and hypocritical.  am i?  that is probably the hardest thing about all of this.  i can’t figure out what is right and what is wrong anymore.  i don’t trust my own judgment anymore.  i don’t think for a minute that i am not part of what didn’t work for us.  i am not perfect.  but i try.  i try very hard.  and the things i do, i do because i am trying to support and help my friends/partners.  sometimes i share things because of my belief in the truth being the most important thing.  and sometimes those truths hurt people.  i talk about things people don’t talk about.  but i don’t mean harm by it.  i mean to help keep people from a bigger harm.  several people have said to me lately that people avoid conflict.  well sure, but to completely avoid it?  people don’t want to think about the negative personality traits that people they know have.  cause it is easier just to ignore it.  i guess it is about priority.  it is about the path of least resistance.  it is about the fact, that to most people, if it didn’t happen to them, it isn’t so bad.  of course, there are horrendous things people can do that will cause everyone to reject them.  but those things are usually illegal too.  the habit i have of assessing someone’s friendship worthiness based on their whole personality and not just the part than impacts me, limits my relationships.  but any other way seems so selfish.  aren’t we supposed to support each other?  look out for each other?  how can we do that if we don’t look at people in their entirety?  i am not saying i have never done anything wrong.  that i don’t have my own flaws some people would reject.  but what does character count for?  apparently MLK had a woman in every town.  bill clinton certainly did.  are those character flaws?  sure.  cheating on your partner is a character flaw.  should i toss them out with the bathwater?  probably not.  so how is this situation any different?  doesn’t that suggest i am overreacting?  that i just care more because it is me hurting?  or is it the infinite shades of grey?  that MLK and clinton had roles so large they transcend these types of flaws.  that these flaws don’t matter to the great things they did for society?  does that mean it is only reasonable for improv buddies to not care how andreas treated me?  i don’t know.  i just know that i am hurting so very very much and i don’t know what to do about it.  i know what i want.  i want someone to defend me.  i want someone to scream so that everyone hears “he hurt her and he is a jerk for dong it!”  optimally, i want people to chose me, but i know that isn’t right.  it just isn’t right to make people chose.  and besides, what do they get from me?  nothing.  what do they get from him?  improv/party buddy.

someone today told me he slept with someone i had no idea he slept with.  it happened while we were “broken up” but subsequently i found out about someone else he had slept with, while we were apart and he didn’t like something i wrote in my blog (seriously, that’s what he said) and asked specifically that he not leave me in the dark.  he agreed.  but then he didn’t tell me.   it isn’t even the sleeping with the person, it is the hiding it from me that bothers me.  DO NOT HIDE THINGS FROM ME!  i can forgive most indiscretions.  i really do understand how sometimes we do less than optimal things.  it’s natural.  i have a VERY hard time forgiving the sin of omission.  trust me, the risk of me not finding out is NOT worth the risk of me finding out.  not by a long shot.  how can i trust almost anything now?  and this isn’t even the first thing he “did” to me this weekend.  he flaunted he new relationships in front of me.  and told me how he LOVES the exam table i acquired, though he wasn’t big on it when we were together.  even though i loved it.  how is that supposed to feel?  i can tell you, it feels horrible.  so so so horrible.  why does he pain me so?  how come i can’t make it stop hurting?

then there is my best friend.  i don’t want to post her business here.  her business with me.  she was there that day.  when patrick ended our marriage.  i called her and said i needed her and she replied, “i’ll be there in 3 hours”.  and she was.  and she got mad at patrick.  i couldn’t get mad at patrick.  but she could.  it was awesome to hear her say nasty things about him.  but somehow now.  now she keeps saying things my mom said when we had our big disagreement.  she said, “now i know how that hurts you, i won’t do it again.”  my mom said that.  she said, “i want you to talk to your counselor”.  my mom said that.  my mom didn’t say what she had done was wrong, she just said she wouldn’t do it again.  in my book, that doesn’t count.  i am more means oriented, than ends oriented.  motive is paramount.  christine did say she thought what she did was wrong, but not until i pointed it out.  that feels sort of weird.  sure, you have to tell people when you are hurt.  you can’t expect them to be mind-readers.  but there is just something that doesn’t feel right.  she keeps saying “we’ll just keep trying and we’ll work it out.”  but i don’t know what that means.  she said i was angry with her.  what i am is afraid of her.  i am afraid to put myself out for fear of being hurt again.  my parents have hurt me all my life.  she was like a safe place.  i knew she couldn’t do anything/everything i would need or want, but i trusted her.  she isn’t doing any of this on purpose.  i think andreas might be.  he hurts so this is how he makes himself feel better.  part of me wishes i could drown my sorrows in flesh.  or booze.  or whatever.  but those things don’t work for me.  anyhow, i don’t know what to do about christine.  i am afraid.  and i have no idea what to do.  all my life i have tried to be very articulate about my needs.  probably too much so with patrick.  and yet, am i communicating with anyone?  and if my best friend can’t give me what i need, what do i do?  how do i help that?  no, i am not just going to “try again”.  that’s stupid.  nothing has changed that i can see.  and i don’t want to get hurt.  i am so tired of being hurt.  and if you tell me that it is completely in my control whether i get hurt of not, i will pop you in the nose!  it’s a two-way street for fuck sake!  my therapist thinks i pick the wrong people (not my best friend, this was in context to something else).  so how do i pick the right ones?  how do i not get hurt?  how do i work through the hurt.  how do i work with a friend/partner to keep it from happening again?

i feel defective that this keeps happening to me and i can’t do anything to help it.  i am 41 years old and i just keep getting emotionally smashed.  i am a great person.  i care about people very very much.  i hate to see anyone i know in pain and i will always do whatever i can to try and relieve that pain.  if i see somewhere i can help, i do.  and i do it just because i can.  it might not always work and it might not always be the right thing, but i don’t just sit there and watch them be in pain.  it feels wonderful to me to be productive and helpful to people.  i have a very strong sense of right and wrong.  i can understand why that might be a problem for some people.  but i am not a hypocrite.  and on many things, i don’t have a problem with their believing/acting different.  i just see it differently.  though i do always want to understand it.  so i ask a lot of questions.  and sometimes i might not ask them as well as i should.  but i am just trying to understand.  there are those things that impact me directly that i do feel strongly about.  judgmental about.  and i feel conflicted about that.  there are some cases where i think people should be judged and some not.  but i don’t insist on my code for everyone.  except when i am the one being hurt.  does that make me a hypocrite?  andreas’ having lied to me by not telling me about this girl makes dealing with him easier in a way.  it makes me feel morally superior.  is that wrong?  some of my friends think it doesn’t matter what i do, within reason (no violence and such), as long as i do what i have to in order to feel better.  they just want me to feel better.  am i deluding myself?  truth is so important.  i don’t want to be deluding myself.  i would rather struggle than delude myself into thinking i am better than i am.  then again, other things that make me great?  i am smart, not a genius, but i am a productive member of society.  i have a keen fashion sense.  i bake like nobodies business.  i am strong.  i get up each day and just go.  my actions might not be optimal (i should be studying for a test right now, not writing this) but i think a lot of people would have given up a long time ago.  but i am really tired of being hurt.  i am 41 years old and i think i should be over this by now.  why can’t i get over this.  i am so tired of crying.  i am so tired of feeling so alone.

the current chapter i am reading in nursing is entitled “grief and loss”.  i realize being broken up with pales in comparison to losing a partner to death.  my instructor said you can’t judge loss.  but i think it is reasonable for me to say that andreas breaking up with me isn’t as difficult a loss and losing one’s partner of 40 years to cancer.  or a drunk driver.  but it is certainly still loss.  and i think the things he said to me that were so painful (and i believe they were cruel) are another loss.  a loss in faith.  “grieving is a psychological process that involves disengaging strong emotional ties from a significant relationship and reinvesting the energy once given to the decreased (or ex-boyfriend) into a new and productive direction over a period of time.” (Varcarolis, E.M & Halter M.J., Essentials of Psychiatric Mental Health Nursing. Saunders Elsevier, St. Louis – someone check, is that APA approved?) perhaps it is true, that you don’t get over being broken up with until you find someone new?  i have put some of that energy into sewing (which i LOVE!) but there is still a hole.  i want to SHARE with someone.  and as much as i can share with my roommate or my friends, it isn’t the same as sharing with a partner.  roommates get accepted to awesome schools and move away!  (woohoo!  you go mo!)  partners leave sometimes too.  but that isn’t the plan.  pretty much you start a roommate-ship with the intention of it ending (though certainly not the friendship).  you know what i mean, it just isn’t the same.  time helps.  the book says that acute grief is 4-8 weeks (don’t think i had that, really, i cried a lot but i could totally function), active symptoms of grief last 3-6 months (which i don’t think started for me until i got out of school because i just pushed the emotions down as i had no time to deal with them) and the work of mourning may take from 1-2 years.  which makes sense to me.  it has taken me 2 years to feel like i could take seeing patrick with julie.  i don’t WANT to see them.  but i don’t think it would bother me.  not going to invite them to the party, but i don’t think it hurts anymore to know that patrick is doing better without me.  i don’t think it will take 2 years to get to that point with andreas, we had a different history, but we also had a different split and we travel in the same circles.  whatever.  i just move forward.

i was thinking today about my comments about how i don’t expect friends to remember everything about me.  i read over it again, and it doesn’t feel quite right.  i expect my friends to want to care.  which still doesn’t sound quite right.  i want them to want to care, as opposed to feeling they must care, which then stresses them out.  or causes us conflict.  this has got to be easier to explain.  so let’s say i tell friend A that something significant has happened or might happen.  now, based on how often i see that friend, i would expect them to ask me about that happening next time i see them, within reason.  i would expect my friends to show curiosity about how i am doing, when they see me.  and that might seem simple and obvious, but i don’t think it is.  not like i thought it was.  this still doesn’t feel quite right.  i hope it comes to me in a more articulated manner soon.  it helps me be more comfortable when i can explain myself in a clear and concise manner.  being as cerebral as i am, straightening everything up in my head makes me feel better.  so does organizing the kitchen cabinets though.

tomorrow is my first day at the psych unit.  it is going to be exciting!

i went to see 69 love scenes last night. Mo wrote half of them. it was an amazing show. i am not familiar with the magnetic fields 69 loves song records, but the event was amazing. it was more sad, to me, than happy. except the jewish couple. they were always sweet. but there was a lot of trying, and not finding, love. it was beautifully executed. my new roommate, jay byrd, was in it. he was brilliant. everyone was so courageous on stage. the only weakness was hugo. he was suppose to be one of a pair of gay lovers. he just didn’t do it. he didn’t connect. all the other love pairs matched emotion. he seemed disconnected. but it was still so brilliant i think they should take it on the road or to a bigger theatre in town. something. people should see this. and my roommate wrote half the plays!

unfortunately, andreas was there.  the ONE day i go to savage vanguard, in like 5 months, and there is andreas at the box office.  he is on the gnap committee so he works occasionally.  but why last night?  why wasn’t he at the naked show?  it physically pains me to see him.  i know exactly why too.  it is a mental conflict that it creates.  i see him and my inclination is to be excited to see him, to want to interact with him like i always did.  to share with him.  but then i realize i can’t do that.  because he won’t respond to me the same way.  because he won’t respond to my sharing the way i want him to.  because he doesn’t want to be with me that way anymore.  and since i am not his girlfriend, ultimately my life “has no consequence” to him anymore.  he’ll listen and smile and then it will be gone.  i don’t want to share with people like that.  i want to matter.  of course, all my friends don’t take and hold everything i share.  i don’t do that with all my friends.  it just isn’t possible.  and i don’t expect it from everyone.  but i expect it from some people.  and for quite sometime, i expected it from andreas.  and i can’t just turn that off.  i guess it is about expectations.  and expectations don’t just change over night.  so whenever i see him, i feel this pain.  a physical pain in my chest.  i sort of wish that my heart would just stop, so i could go to the hospital and then i wouldn’t have to deal with it.  i wanted to leave the show last night.  i just so didn’t want to be around him.  but i was there with my friend natalie and it was Mo’s show and i really wanted to see it.  and it was so good.  really, i am sorry you all can’t see it.  whether you like the magnetic fields or not, it is wonderful.

oh, and one of the videos showed a boy i went on a couple of dates with, who i liked, who just never called me back.  so rude.  it felt like heather rejection night.  and so now i cry in the middle of a coffee shop when i should be reading my textbook.

i had a friend who had an intensive therapy experience last week.  i wished her luck on monday and sent her a note hoping that she had a good week on friday.  she called and wants to hang out.  i’ve met my new friend Natalie and we hang out a lot.  we relate a lot.  missed Mo something terrible when she was gone.  we texted like teenage girls.  there is that good thing that happened to me a couple of weeks ago.  that continues.  and i have had some dates.  and yet, with all the friendship i lend, i can’t find anyone to love.  all the relationships in life feel wonderful.  but it still leaves me feeling like the bridesmaid who is never a bride.  people think i am so cool.  i do create wonderful things for the people around me.  and i love doing it!  (made two pillows yesterday and cinnamon rolls for my new friends at the stitch lab).  and yet i feel all alone in this world of people around me.  it is like i can’t connect to anything around me and i have no idea why.

the news hasn’t been good for me lately.  the talk of the government bickering over the debt ceiling.  fucking republicans.  it stresses me out so much.  those of you with jobs, have no idea what it is like.  regardless of how i spend my money, the amount i have left won’t last forever no matter what.  and i don’t have a job.  and even though i am going into a high need field, it is also any area the industry is trying to save in.  and i have no experience.  i could certainly find a job somewhere.  but it would likely be away from my friends and life.  the stress is unbelievable.  i just want to be productive.  i am young and smart and strong.  i should be allowed to help and live.  and i feel like the gov’t is just making that so much harder on me and the rest of the unemployed.  and i still have 11 months to successfully navigate.  please don’t just say i am smart and will do fine.  cause that isn’t how it works.  it’s hard, it is really really hard.  even if i do succeed.  it has been so hard.  so very very hard.

it helps to talk.  that is why i keep writing like i do.  the guy from the psychiatric floor at S&W, who lectured on thursday, said it is the quiet ones to fear.  so i keep talking.

so my health insurance situation is even worse than i thought.  i will not get ANY subsidy going forward.  because when my UI runs out my insurance subsidy runs out.  why?  i get why my UI runs out.  but why, because i am no longer eligible for UI, should i NOT get help with health ins?  how are they related?  if i don’t get UI, it is even harder to pay my health ins.  $485 a month.  sheesh.  i am going to try and find cheaper ins.  wish me luck.  last time was a paperwork nightmare and i gave up (partially because of the subsidy).  it is just so frustrating.  it is time i don’t have to spend on stupid bureaucracy.  anyhow.

i hate nursing school.  all the nurses i talked to before i started said i would.  and i made it a year before getting here.  but i officially hate it.  the process is absurd.  the ANA is begging schools to change the curriculum.  i totally agree.  being organized would help too.  not wasting students time, not reading from the slides.  whatever.  i just have to get through it.  if i had a partner, a supportive partner who listened and proactively counseled me (without just trying to solve my problems…which are really solvable at this point) then i would have moments of joy to look forward to.  moments of beauty and relaxation and hope with my partner.  the belief that someone, who could make a difference, cared.  lots of people care.  lots of people are very encouraging.  but that can’t really make a difference in my experience, beyond the confidence.  which i really appreciate and i really love.  but i’d like more.  is it wrong to want more?  i don’t think it is wrong.

i feel like a squeaky wheel.  though part of me thinks of it as a mantra that gets me through.  time, all i need is time.  and to win the lottery.

let me start by saying it is better to be having this problem than the opposite.  i have too many dating offers.  and i feel weird about all of it.  though i have enjoyed the company of several people i have met and hung out with lately.  i can honestly say i am a bit afraid of committing to have sex with any of them.  which is totally bizarre.  i am a sex-positive girl!  of course, that has never meant i would sleep with just anyone.  but i enjoy it and i miss it.  and yet i feel more reluctant to share it these days.  i want it to count.  normally sex-positive means being open to experience and not too heavy about the meaning or conscience around sex.  and yet, i feel pretty conservative about sharing it right now.  perhaps i feel like people focus too much on my sexuality?  which isn’t really fair, being my sexuality is really out there.  i mean it is a big part of my life.  but it isn’t just about having it.  it is about experiencing it and i am not feeling quite right about to possibilities that have been coming my way lately.  i feel a pressure to perform, to lead.  and i don’t want to.  i want it all to be casual.  this probably goes along with my desire for a relationship that starts at the 6-month mark.  anyhow, i am not sure what to do.  i don’t want to disappoint people or bum out possible dates.  but i also just don’t have the energy to deal with it all.  going back to school is almost a relief in being able to bury myself in something.  perhaps my grades will reflect that this summer session.

i got terrible news this week about my health insurance.  because of a status my rep changed in my TAA file, i lost my subsidy.  this is a mistake.  but the IRS totally booted me from the system and, once it gets worked out, which it isn’t yet, i will have to go through the registration process ALL over again.  which means at least 2 months of $485/mo in health ins.  this is a prime example of why i don’t trust people and i ask again and again if something is done and what the consequences of changes are.  i am suppose to call a particular office on monday to see about fixing it.  but i have little hope that it will get fixed without my having to shell out $485/mo for several month.  why me?  i am a good person.

i saw the final harry potter movie tonight.  it made me sad.  so many endings.  i saw the first movie with patrick, the previous one with andreas.  this last one was with katie, which isn’t quite the same.  the ending was sort of anti-climactic to me.  i didn’t really like the resurrection aspect of the ending of the series.  at least i better understand the wand thing now.  it was great to see the movie (especially Ron and Hermione kissing!), but sad to see it end.  and to have it end, for me, so different than it started.

it’s been a good week, and yet i still feel melancholy.  went to bedpost confessions to see a friend perform (though had to leave before his set because of HP) and had to see andreas.  i hate seeing him in public.  it just makes me sad.  i really hope this goes away soon.  at least with school starting i will be too busy to feel it.  it seems i might be very good at getting over breaking-up.  though that may just be because i am the breakee so much.  perhaps if i were the breaker, it wouldn’t hurt.  or if i could stop believing.  which seems counter-productive.

i am trying very hard just to roll with things.  it would be best if i just did that.  but it is hard.  i am a cerebral girl.

had an amazing KS this weekend.  seriously awesome.  and my chain maille costume was to die for.  very proud of that one.  i also had an interesting and unexpected experience at the party that has followed on into this week.  and it was seriously awesome too.  unfortunately, i can’t comment on it too much.  suffice to say, good things have been happening for me.

i’ve been very busy lately.  lots of get togethers.  some of them could be called dates.  i’ve enjoyed my company.  but i am not sure that anything will go anywhere.  i keep coming up against my school schedule.  i just don’t have time to date, once it starts again.  i’d really like to jump into a relationship that is 6-months old.  which is obviously not possible.  whatever.  i am just going to roll with it and try to enjoy what i can.

i woke up from a dream this afternoon where i had stopped for a train.  it was a weird stop though.  i stopped in time, but the barrier arms did not get down in time for the train to pass.  surely that means something?  i wasn’t in danger, i saw that i wouldn’t make it, so i stopped.  but the fact the barriers were late must mean something.

school starts next monday.  i am not excited.  not sure what this means.  i am guessing it is because of HER.  but psych is one of my favorite topics, so perhaps, once i get going, i will really get into it.  i am certainly looking forward to routine again and graduating so i can get a job.  i really want a job.  i really want to be a regular member of society again.

i LOVE my sewing class.  i have signed up for the hem class next.  i am very excited about getting my own machine and making sewing one of my hobbies.  i made a pillow this last sunday.  there is enough extra fabric that i am going to make another one and send it to my mom.  i am just terribly proud of myself.  i think my mom finds it strange.  the pillow even has a zipper!  the zipper was tough too.  but i did it.  this weekend is the elastic waist skirt.  i am SUPER excited about that.  i want to wear it to school on monday to show people what i made.  anyhow, here are some photos of what i have done so far:

this was a practice square.  we made 3 seams to form a pouch.  darn proud!

this is the outside shell of my tote bag.  i am cooking with gas now!  darn proud!

gotta have straps on my tote bag!  i am high on the success at this point!

have you ever seen such a cute tote bag?  just say no.  i use it as my sewing bag!

check out that amazingly well threaded machine!  i did that!

and here i have successfully created a sleeve for the drawstrings on my drawstring bag and stung it!  stunning, really.

the light at the shop isn’t great.  this is my completed drawstring bag.  it is black material with brown dresser’s dummies as the print.  i use the bag as my sewing notions tote.  if you would like me to make you one, or a tote bag, let me know!

the pillow i made has a zipper on the back.  kind of over-kill for a pillow, but we needed to practice zippers!  it was hard.  zippers are hard.  i remember my mom swearing at zippers.  but i did it (only had to start over once…but i kept breathing deep and it was all good).

my pillow!  isn’t it cute?!  the pattern is even well centered.  it is black on back with turquoise piping.  i was SO proud of this pillow.  i told the teachers that they make me feel good about myself.  this class has been fantastic.  sounds dumb, but it has made me feel better about myself.  like i have skills besides throwing a great theme party and baking.  this is something totally practical.  something that can help me in life.  it makes me so happy.

all my stuff got moved into mo’s house. it was a pretty good move (thanks again to katie, randy and the teenagers). my chain main dress arrived. scooters are getting fixed. started my sewing courses and LOVE THEM! totally going to learn to sew. anyone wanna chip in on a sewing machine for my birthday? i am looking at the kenmoore that we use at school. they cost $199 at sears.

now the really exciting thing that happened recently is, i won the “sexy back” contest at “geeks who drink” WHICH resulted in a date with a totally cute boy! tonight i went to geeks who drink with karl, his girlfriend and a couple of other friends of his. i missed his birthday event, so i wanted to buy him a beer. i didn’t help the team with any questions (karl is AMAZING at trivia) but i made the team proud on stage!

so where does the date part come in?  well, to the right of me is a table facing the stage.  they were enough in front of me, they didn’t see my back at all.  but they did get a special view as i took my shirt off.  i even joked with them as i was standing there.  near the end of the quiz, one of my table mates got a text that he shared with me.  it said, “is heather available?”  he showed it to me and i giggled and texted back “yes she is!”  had no idea who was asking, but i was tickled.  anyhow…after the quiz was over, another text was received that described what the boy looked like, “salt and pepper hair, glasses, t-shirt jeans and tennis shoes”.  i knew exactly who it was!  one of the boys at the table facing the stage!  and i had thought he was cute even before i won my prize!  i went over to chat with the table.  as they hadn’t seen the tattoo, i showed it to them:

matt is the gentleman on the left side of the photo with the glasses and the smile.  he asked me for my number and i totally gave it to him!  so excited!  what an awesome way to meet someone.  i mean, even if we only bond over the quiz and my ease at taking my shirt off in public, it was fun and giggly.

p.s. my team got 10th, his team got 3rd.