well, that was awkward

went to alice and dimitri’s wedding today.  as far as weddings go, it was lovely.  the was a bit of trouble at the beginning and the horse the bride was on bolted and she jumped off for fear of where it would take her (smart girl!).  had a to do a bit of clean-up and dress mending.  but the rest of the ceremony was lovely.  their vows were really great.  they expressed details about what marriage means.  not the generic “to have and to hold”.  it was more detail about what being there for your partner means.  they talked about listening and accepting and expectations.  i liked it.  the location was nice.  a ranch, but a comfortable place where i felt totally comfortable curling up on a couch for an hour and taking a nap.  the bride and groom were ridiculously happy (as they should be).  the awkward part comes in that i caught the bouquet.  it sort of just made me sad.  it was funny in a way, too.  i grabbed it out of the air above someone’s head.  having always been the short kid, grabbing something out of the air is just truly foreign.  i offered to give it to the girl but she said i had caught it fairly.  the table thing was weird too.  there were no assigned seats.  for the first meal, i ended up with 2 people i know casually and 2 people i didn’t know at all.  it was nice.  for dinner, i was with brent and trisha, but after they left i was by myself.  this happens to me a lot.  i don’t feel comfortable asking people if i can be at their table.  that seems desperate somehow (and revives a lingering fear of pushing myself on people as a child).  and yet, people don’t really think of me in that way.  in the, “i’d like to sit with her” way.  i think it’s because i am so independent.  people think i have it all together, all planned out, know what i am going to do and doing it.  they sense i have other plans.  and i get that.  and i am not sure how to change it. so, anyway, the wedding was really nice, but sort of awkward.

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