i feel weird. though i was enthusiastic about my clinical day on monday, when i got there it all went away. the woman that runs the student nurse program at the VA asked me if i had applied (which suggests interest in me, right?) and i had to explain why i didn’t (i can’t get a job while the feds are paying for my program). sent an email to my rep at TAA today asking about getting one of these positions. i am really missing out on valuable experience not being able to take one of these positions.  i think it would help me a lot to have one of those positions.  it would increase my confidence to get to do a lot of grunt work for a while.  and i need that.  i am not comfortable bugging the teacher to let me do things.  i just don’t want to nag.  but that works against me a lot.  though i feel like i have improve a lot this term, i am still worried about being a great nurse.  this is people’s lives, not just some numbers.  i want to feel that i know what i am doing.  sure, it is only the second semester, and i have learned a lot, but i feel like i should be feel more natural at this point.

i had a phone screen with HP today.  it went very well.  i’ll have an interview later in the week.  and i feel weird about that.  it would mean positive cash-flow and health insurance and retirement money.  but i have worked so hard and come so far.  then again, it feels like a bird in the hand vs 2 in the bush thing.  if HP wants me, am i missing out on something important in this bad economy?  my friend ross (of rossandra) said “Imagine that whichever you pick, it will turn out to be incorrect. The question is, which one would you regret NOT choosing more, if the other one turned out badly? That’s the one you should take.”  that answer is simply, i would regret giving up the nursing program more.  but failing out of the nursing program is a totally different story.  i can’t even describe how disastrous that would be.  getting laid-off at HP again would just make me feel dumb for trusting them.  but giving up on nursing and getting laid-off at HP would feel worse.  still, health insurance, retirement, gosh, that sounds awesome.  i am sure everyone would be very disappointed in me if i gave up nursing.  everyone is so proud and delighted that i would make this change.  people think it is awesome that i got laid-off, but didn’t die.  i turned on a dime and moved to a new goal.  me too.  but still.  it is hard being single too.  i have only me to take care of me.  is giving up a salary and benefits not taking care of me?  i really like nursing, but i don’t feel confident about it.  if i felt more confident, the answer would be more clear.  anyhow, that is where i am right now.

started making my list for summer.  things i want to do before i go back to school in july.  i think as soon as school is out i will be thrilled about my scooter trip to new orleans.  i am excited now, but it doesn’t feel as good as it could.  22 days until school is out.  4 exams.  a couple more clinical days. a presentation.  makes it all feel a million miles away.  i wish there were people i could hug here in belton.  i don’t have any close friends like that.  if this were austin, i could bum some supportive hugs.  i’ll have to double up when i get there on thursday (we have good friday off at temple college…go figure).  maybe i can find the free hugs group on south congress.

oh, yeah, lost another veneer.  popped off while i was eating.  *sigh*  getting old sucks.