i am trashed

i got a massage on saturday. i was tired and a little achy, but nothing too bad. after the massage? i was in excruciating pain. on my right side, the bottom of my back, near the sciatic nerve. ouch. it hurt to move. i have never had body pains like that. it wasn’t a cramp, it was a sharp stabbing pain! i tried to find a muscle relaxer, no dice (though i had offers, it is just they were contraindicated with my other meeds). took a pain killer and it only sort of help. so weird.

Mo got into mittenland! how AWESOME is that! we are having a knee sock themed going away party in august. yeah, a little warm for texas, but you know, it is cold in michigan! yeah Mo! i will miss my roommate but i am SO happy for her.

christine had her master’s thesis approved on friday too. she will now have a master’s in education with a emphasis in reading. she is so cool.

my weekend wasn’t as good. i did have a very nice time shopping with helen and rhea. i wanted a lipstick for day and totally found it. it is actually a lipstain by harajuku. i am just happy to have found something. lipstick is almost as bad as jeans or bathing-suits. but other than that, well, i went to an improv event on saturday and, sure enough, andreas showed up. he even sat down next to me in the waiting area and made a comment about our outfits sort of matching. he then asked me about something related to KS. it was horrible. he acted like we are just normal friends. like everything is normal. like i am not thinking about the conversation when he said to me that it didn’t matter anymore if my life was stressful and i talked to him about it because it didn’t effect him anymore, it has no “consequence” on his life anymore. seriously? so why would i talk to you? if it is in one ear and out the other, why would i share? if the sincerity of caring only lasts until i am out of sight, WHY would i waste my time? sure, i have friends, more appropriately called acquaintances, whose issues/struggles/stresses don’t stick with me. but more often than not, i am the one that sends the email or text message that says, “hey, how did that meeting/presentation/date/test go?” can we possibly go backwards from emotionally intimate to emotionally optional? i was talking to Mo and said i didn’t understand how he could go from loving me to having my life not be of consequence to him, so quickly. she assured me that he still loved me. but what difference does it make? if i were homeless or starving or i couldn’t get my life sustaining meds, i am sure he would help me out, but is that all it is about? extreme situations? how can he call himself a friend? what on earth does friendship mean to him? ironically, my friend holly thinks andreas and i are soulmates. i laughed. she said they way we looked together and the way i talked about us as a couple. i do think i was a great opportunity for andreas to have a long-term committed self-supporting relationship. i am flexible in ways few women are (because i really am a boy inside). which isn’t to say that i am better than most women, just different. and more compatible, i think, with the life that andreas wants to live. anyhow, it was too hard for him. which is fine. i don’t want anyone to do anything they don’t want to. but i can still think it is a mistake. SO…anyhow, it was a not-as-awesom-as-it-could-have-been weekend. why am i talking about this? argh. i look forward for enough time to have gone by that i won’t want to talk about this anymore. come on days, pass faster…

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