went to alice and dimitri’s wedding today.  as far as weddings go, it was lovely.  the was a bit of trouble at the beginning and the horse the bride was on bolted and she jumped off for fear of where it would take her (smart girl!).  had a to do a bit of clean-up and dress mending.  but the rest of the ceremony was lovely.  their vows were really great.  they expressed details about what marriage means.  not the generic “to have and to hold”.  it was more detail about what being there for your partner means.  they talked about listening and accepting and expectations.  i liked it.  the location was nice.  a ranch, but a comfortable place where i felt totally comfortable curling up on a couch for an hour and taking a nap.  the bride and groom were ridiculously happy (as they should be).  the awkward part comes in that i caught the bouquet.  it sort of just made me sad.  it was funny in a way, too.  i grabbed it out of the air above someone’s head.  having always been the short kid, grabbing something out of the air is just truly foreign.  i offered to give it to the girl but she said i had caught it fairly.  the table thing was weird too.  there were no assigned seats.  for the first meal, i ended up with 2 people i know casually and 2 people i didn’t know at all.  it was nice.  for dinner, i was with brent and trisha, but after they left i was by myself.  this happens to me a lot.  i don’t feel comfortable asking people if i can be at their table.  that seems desperate somehow (and revives a lingering fear of pushing myself on people as a child).  and yet, people don’t really think of me in that way.  in the, “i’d like to sit with her” way.  i think it’s because i am so independent.  people think i have it all together, all planned out, know what i am going to do and doing it.  they sense i have other plans.  and i get that.  and i am not sure how to change it. so, anyway, the wedding was really nice, but sort of awkward.

yes, the fat lady hasn’t sung yet. funny, i even know the fat lady. but, i feel defeated. i feel like it is over already. i sit here feeling so something. it isn’t hopeless. it isn’t failure. though it is both those things. i feel suspended. perhaps a shoe waiting to fall? i don’t regret this path. It has been fascinating and amazing. but, also, it seems, a failure. i feel suspended in the air. as i sit on this couch with my cats, i feel something. i don’t know what.

i failed another exam today. it was HER test. her questions make no sense. everyone was confused. why don’t they do an analysis of grades on different teachers tests?  statistics will show that HER exams are the ones that students struggle with.  and that says something about HER too.  but more importantly, what will i do?  if i fail this course i am out of the program.  it’s over then.  what do i do then?  i have no security in life.  i have no support system.  yes, i have friends and family, but they can’t get me a job.  i applied for jobs for a YEAR and got 3 interviews.  i am not much more hopeful that it will be any better.  i am over qualified.  i can’t even get regular accounting people to reply to my applications.  this was my plan.  and if i don’t ace the final, which isn’t likely if i failed the first and this test.  i don’t think i am dumb, i just think they don’t test how i think.  and i haven’t been able to adjust.  i am going to try really hard.  i am going to try and just memorize stuff.  but that doesn’t work well for me.  i associate things, i don’t just spit stuff out.  what will happen to me if i fail this program?  how will i take care of myself going forward?

i have a test on the peripheral vascular system tomorrow.  i actually like this system a lot.  can’t really explain why besides i enjoy the sophistication of the system.  it seems pretty cut and dry too.  the patient base isn’t that exciting though.  old-men who haven’t taken care of themselves (or have REALLY bad genes.)  i feel like i really understand this topic but a certain someone is writing the test and she just comes up with the most random questions.  i especially dread questions on medications.  this summer i need to come up with a standard flash card for meeds and start learning them all.  as i understand, the NCLEX is very drug heavy  of course, i have to pass this semester first.  and i am very worried about that.  for med surg i am at 79.5%  not a lot of buffer there.  i really need a study partner, but no one that i think would be compatible is interested.  i know i should outline each chapter and then read and then ad notes.  but it is so boring!  i fall asleep attempting it.  a few friends have suggested medication to help me focus.  honestly though, that scares me.  but i need to find a way to study better, and i am just not sure what it is right now.  right now i just need to make it through this term.  perhaps before summer session starts, i can figure something out.  i think i will just read my chapter now.

so i was riding to the coffee shop and saw this u-haul truck with its back door open, turn a corner.  i happen to be going that way, so when i turned the corner i rolled up to the driver side window.  the driver rolled down the window and said , “i know i am a little over the line.”, i replied, “no, your back door is open.”  she looked bummed.  i mean, here she is, sitting at a light waiting for it to turn green and now her back door is open and her couch might fall out.  i told her to hold on, road to a drive way, put my bike on the stand (still running), ran back and closed and latched the door.  i gave her the high sign JUST as the light changed to green.  she drove off everything ok!  and i just felt so good for having done that.  i mean, she might lose the couch AND hurt someone in a vehicle behind her.  and i had time.  and i had the ability.  so i did it.  a truck, a couple of cars back from her, gave me a thumbs up when he drove by.  that made me feel good.  it is so nice to find things so simple like that.

test on wednesday.  presentation on thursday.  last day of clinicals on friday.  then a week a fluff and then finals.  it is almost over and i can’t wait.  this term has been really hard.  i have learned a LOT, all from my rotation at the VA.  and i feel more and more, that with more practice and exposure, i will totally kick butt at this stuff.  i really enjoy it too.  i am glad.

we are studying peripheral vascular disease right now.  and though it is my least favorite instructor, i am really digging the topic.  it is just kind of fascinating the subtleties of how the system works and what can go wrong.  i am a little frustrated that my book doesn’t go into enough detail on the topic.  i keep getting to the end of paragraphs and find myself asking why.  which is not what nursing is about.  *sigh*.  still, occluding arteries and veins and how to treat them (balloons to push stuff out of the way, and rototillers, essentially, to bore out the plaque!) is really amazing.  though we i think about cardio, it doesn’t thrill me that much. the science is so cool.  perhaps a post-surgical ward or an ICU with cardio patients.  it’s the detail that is so cool in this case.  of course, i am pretty excited about psych this summer too.  oncology in the spring?

holy crap!  arcattack! this is a group of guys that make music using giant tesla coils.  wow.  just wow.  i bought a necklace with a picture of tesla on it (from secret oktober!) and someone i was talking to asked me if i was familiar with these guys.  words escape me.  this is just SO nerd cool!

i feel weird. though i was enthusiastic about my clinical day on monday, when i got there it all went away. the woman that runs the student nurse program at the VA asked me if i had applied (which suggests interest in me, right?) and i had to explain why i didn’t (i can’t get a job while the feds are paying for my program). sent an email to my rep at TAA today asking about getting one of these positions. i am really missing out on valuable experience not being able to take one of these positions.  i think it would help me a lot to have one of those positions.  it would increase my confidence to get to do a lot of grunt work for a while.  and i need that.  i am not comfortable bugging the teacher to let me do things.  i just don’t want to nag.  but that works against me a lot.  though i feel like i have improve a lot this term, i am still worried about being a great nurse.  this is people’s lives, not just some numbers.  i want to feel that i know what i am doing.  sure, it is only the second semester, and i have learned a lot, but i feel like i should be feel more natural at this point.

i had a phone screen with HP today.  it went very well.  i’ll have an interview later in the week.  and i feel weird about that.  it would mean positive cash-flow and health insurance and retirement money.  but i have worked so hard and come so far.  then again, it feels like a bird in the hand vs 2 in the bush thing.  if HP wants me, am i missing out on something important in this bad economy?  my friend ross (of rossandra) said “Imagine that whichever you pick, it will turn out to be incorrect. The question is, which one would you regret NOT choosing more, if the other one turned out badly? That’s the one you should take.”  that answer is simply, i would regret giving up the nursing program more.  but failing out of the nursing program is a totally different story.  i can’t even describe how disastrous that would be.  getting laid-off at HP again would just make me feel dumb for trusting them.  but giving up on nursing and getting laid-off at HP would feel worse.  still, health insurance, retirement, gosh, that sounds awesome.  i am sure everyone would be very disappointed in me if i gave up nursing.  everyone is so proud and delighted that i would make this change.  people think it is awesome that i got laid-off, but didn’t die.  i turned on a dime and moved to a new goal.  me too.  but still.  it is hard being single too.  i have only me to take care of me.  is giving up a salary and benefits not taking care of me?  i really like nursing, but i don’t feel confident about it.  if i felt more confident, the answer would be more clear.  anyhow, that is where i am right now.

started making my list for summer.  things i want to do before i go back to school in july.  i think as soon as school is out i will be thrilled about my scooter trip to new orleans.  i am excited now, but it doesn’t feel as good as it could.  22 days until school is out.  4 exams.  a couple more clinical days. a presentation.  makes it all feel a million miles away.  i wish there were people i could hug here in belton.  i don’t have any close friends like that.  if this were austin, i could bum some supportive hugs.  i’ll have to double up when i get there on thursday (we have good friday off at temple college…go figure).  maybe i can find the free hugs group on south congress.

oh, yeah, lost another veneer.  popped off while i was eating.  *sigh*  getting old sucks.

i got an email from an HP recruiter last friday. i have a phone screen tomorrow. *sigh*

i got a massage on saturday. i was tired and a little achy, but nothing too bad. after the massage? i was in excruciating pain. on my right side, the bottom of my back, near the sciatic nerve. ouch. it hurt to move. i have never had body pains like that. it wasn’t a cramp, it was a sharp stabbing pain! i tried to find a muscle relaxer, no dice (though i had offers, it is just they were contraindicated with my other meeds). took a pain killer and it only sort of help. so weird.

Mo got into mittenland! how AWESOME is that! we are having a knee sock themed going away party in august. yeah, a little warm for texas, but you know, it is cold in michigan! yeah Mo! i will miss my roommate but i am SO happy for her.

christine had her master’s thesis approved on friday too. she will now have a master’s in education with a emphasis in reading. she is so cool.

my weekend wasn’t as good. i did have a very nice time shopping with helen and rhea. i wanted a lipstick for day and totally found it. it is actually a lipstain by harajuku. i am just happy to have found something. lipstick is almost as bad as jeans or bathing-suits. but other than that, well, i went to an improv event on saturday and, sure enough, andreas showed up. he even sat down next to me in the waiting area and made a comment about our outfits sort of matching. he then asked me about something related to KS. it was horrible. he acted like we are just normal friends. like everything is normal. like i am not thinking about the conversation when he said to me that it didn’t matter anymore if my life was stressful and i talked to him about it because it didn’t effect him anymore, it has no “consequence” on his life anymore. seriously? so why would i talk to you? if it is in one ear and out the other, why would i share? if the sincerity of caring only lasts until i am out of sight, WHY would i waste my time? sure, i have friends, more appropriately called acquaintances, whose issues/struggles/stresses don’t stick with me. but more often than not, i am the one that sends the email or text message that says, “hey, how did that meeting/presentation/date/test go?” can we possibly go backwards from emotionally intimate to emotionally optional? i was talking to Mo and said i didn’t understand how he could go from loving me to having my life not be of consequence to him, so quickly. she assured me that he still loved me. but what difference does it make? if i were homeless or starving or i couldn’t get my life sustaining meds, i am sure he would help me out, but is that all it is about? extreme situations? how can he call himself a friend? what on earth does friendship mean to him? ironically, my friend holly thinks andreas and i are soulmates. i laughed. she said they way we looked together and the way i talked about us as a couple. i do think i was a great opportunity for andreas to have a long-term committed self-supporting relationship. i am flexible in ways few women are (because i really am a boy inside). which isn’t to say that i am better than most women, just different. and more compatible, i think, with the life that andreas wants to live. anyhow, it was too hard for him. which is fine. i don’t want anyone to do anything they don’t want to. but i can still think it is a mistake. SO…anyhow, it was a not-as-awesom-as-it-could-have-been weekend. why am i talking about this? argh. i look forward for enough time to have gone by that i won’t want to talk about this anymore. come on days, pass faster…

gotta love politicians with a sense of humor:

A bipartisan group of legislators won’t give up on Oregon

i have been busy. which seems dumb to say at this point. we all know that. i asked my clinical instructor if she would let me know, at the end of the term, whether she thought i could be a nurse or not. she said she already knew. she said i would be a great nurse because i was methodical. i have had other teachers say i was methodical. she thought research would be a good place for me. she thought the ICU would be good because i love numbers and it is all about your patient’s numbers. that was reassuring. and it is getting easier. i am starting to make the connections. especially with labs (numbers). and i really like it. i just need to pass my classes. i am still at C level in meg surg. need to do well on the next exam AND the final. the final will be cumulative. that worries me a bit suddenly. i will have like 5 days to study for it though.

going to New Orleans for amerivespa! riding my scooter with sue ellen and mark anderson. very excited! it will be my first big ride. i have a support truck and driver now. ross is loaning me his truck and christine is going to drive. i still need to determine the route and i am nervous about that. i am worried about my scooters blowing up too. but it will be a great adventure no matter what. patrick says that Blue might be fixed by the time for the rally too. that would be exciting.

i was wondering recently why i don’t get much email. people to email me and ask me to dinner. it feels weird. i don’t think that it is that i am not thought of fondly. i am just not thought of that way. but why? is that a deficiency in me? i’d like people to email me and say they want to have dinner. i get invited to lots of events. though i have been worried it is because people find me heavy. people always have. of course, in a crisis, or for advice, i am one of the first people they think of. which i appreciate and enjoy. i like helping people. i spend a lot of my time helping people. but i have wondered, is there something wrong? and then i started telling my friend katie about it. and it dawned on me, it is that multi-crowd thing again. i am on the edge of crowds, never in the middle. my crowds like me and i enjoy all my crowds, but since i am not always there, they don’t always think of me individually. which totally makes sense. and with nursing school, i am just so busy. so, when i graduate, i am going to try and spend more time with people one-on-one. i’d like that.

KS project team is going slowly. few people have signed up for gathering decorations. that is the part i am the most worried about. lots of help on everything else. which is TOTALLY awesome. it will be nice to have other people that feel responsible for what is going on at the party. i look forward to it. i look more forward to school being done. then i can look forward to the party.

here is a picture of blue!

(my new webpage is doing very strange things. it keeps deleting the video when i save and go back into the file. the photo of blue is wrapping around the previous blog too. i just think all this stuff has to wait until i get out of school. got a pre-mature bee in my bonnet over the topic)