just now it hit me. i want someone to miss me. it seems i am just too difficult, even being awesome, and people get to a point and they just don’t miss me anymore. i had this text message that andreas sent me in oct or nov that said “i can’t wait to see you!” i kept it and looked at it when i wanted to smile. it made me so happy. it was exactly what i wanted to hear. of course, when he broke up with me i deleted it. but i sure liked it. and just now i realized that is the emotion that i am missing in being single. someone who misses me. i want to be missed.
i have had a couple of people mention to me recently that my blog seems like intruding. am i being too honest? over sharing? maybe that is why i don’t have a big following. i should stick with fashion and politics. but this is my diary online and i am glad i say it out loud. cause if i suddenly go off the deep-end, someone will catch it.
i love my kitties. i am feeling even more pathetic crazy cat lady though.
when i moved here, patrick and i were finally, really splitting. i didn’t want to split, but patrick was done. i was in a new town though. so i had a lot to explore. it was distracting. after 4 or so months, i decided i was ready for companionship. and yes, that is a euphemism. i met andreas and troy. i was hoping to balance them off each other. and they knew it. troy didn’t work and andreas and i ended up spending a lot more time together. it was over a year before i admitted that he was my boyfriend. we had our troubles and i doubted our relationship on many occasions. but i believed that we could make it. and i like him. so today when i stopped at his house to pick-up my bicycle (which i bought to ride with him because he started riding a bike) it just made me really really sad to see him. depression seems to be gone. his life has gone back to normal. i don’t think it was “me”. it takes two to tango. but just like patrick, his life has gone back to happy when he was done with me. it seems like they both got over me while they were will me. and that adds to my sadness. i’ve tried to go on some dates, i feel so lonely, but it doesn’t feel right. it doesn’t feel good. i think i need to wait 4 or 5 months like i did with patrick. only i am not new to the city with lots of exploring to do. i am in the middle of the hardest undertaking of my life. and i am sad. i hope this time passes quickly and i get to feel like i did in december of that first year i was here. i hope it is the same path.
tomorrow i start at the VA. i am scared. there is so much that i have to know, that i don’t know. it just takes me a while to get there. i hope i have enough time. i’d like to have someone here with me right now that i can say this too, they can give me a hug and a kiss and tell me they believe in me and then we can watch house. that would feel nice.
well then, enough fear and sadness. i find that when i am really stressed, very emotional and sad, i spend money. money i don’t really have. right now i would really like a backpack from cambridge satchel company.