and i don’t even really have a reason for it.  i am just annoyed.  i did get a series of annoying emails this evening.  the future of KS is getting really complicated.  my new clinical location scares me a bit.  though i haven’t really been thinking about that.  i think it is mostly the KS thing.  i see myself getting sucked into something i don’t want to be a part of.  i don’t want to do things with andreas anymore.  period.  if we do things together, then he gets the aspects of relationship he stills wants (partly) and i get nothing.  i get a relationship that isn’t real for me.  it will sort of look like the relationship i was working toward, without actually being in a relationship.  and that isn’t good for me.  maybe when a decent chunk of time has gone by, and i don’t want the relationship i couldn’t have anymore, it would be ok.  but not right now.  right now his “this is great” demeanor is just insulting.  though i am sure this is part of the phases of loss one goes through, i am really mad at andreas right now.  it seems to me that he was never going to be a supportive and loving boyfriend that i needed.  that i think most women would need.  more than most.  why did i put up with it, you ask?  because i believed it could work.  like i believed it could work with patrick.  it seems it wouldn’t though.  because “bad’ things were too hard for andreas.  my concern about some people’s behavior being warning signals of trouble to come, was just me being negative.  you know what?  i want an apology.  i was right.  she was a disaster and ignoring her crazy just set us up for a huge amount of trouble and pain?  and what did i get for my trouble and pain?  ultimately, nothing.  i held on a long time.  i sublimated my needs, i kept from just exploding in fury when my needs just weren’t being met again and again, because i believed by being patient and trying to work through these things in a calm and methodical manner it would be best for everyone.  and, because i believed it would work.  i was dedicated to it.  it seems foolish now.  i believed and all it got me was dumped.