cuddy said something, in the episode of house i watched tonight, that is very pertinent to my life right now.  at least how i feel about things.  she said, “pain happens when you care.  you can’t love someone without making yourself open to their problems.  their fears.  and you’re not willing to do that.”  it may be a tv show.  but it’s true.  you can’t really love someone unless you are willing to feel pain.  it hurts to feel pain for your loved one, especially when you can’t fix their pain.  that’s love though.  and life without love, that just seems pointless.

i had a very strange dream last night.  i dreamt that i was in germany with andreas and blixa bargeld showed up.  we were in a school dormitory type place that was andreas’ home.  we were visiting people and hanging out.  then blixa wanted to dance with me.  we were talking about something very serious, though i am not sure what (politics or something like that).  it was a passionate conversation.  we both had strong conviction about the topic.  and then we started dancing.  and then he started kissing me.  and then he started taking his clothing off. andreas was standing by the door listening to the conversation, and subsequently watching us dance.  i thought to myself “doesn’t seem fair to have sex with blixa right here at andreas’ house”.  and then i looked at blixa again and thought “i can’t really just ignore this opportunity. andreas should be fine with it” and proceeded to take my clothing off.  then my mom called.  in real life.  she met senator john kerry in the lobby of her hotel in eygpt.  she had been talking to the american ambassador.  sounded pretty cool.  i am totally jealous that she got to visit eygpt.  i really liked having sex with blixa though too (never got to the actual sex in the dream, but what happened felt good).

i am sitting at bodega bean right now.  i walked from my flat.  brought my red wagon too.  stopped at the major brand gas station to put air in the tires so my trip home with groceries is easier.  i need to get more exercise and i have to time today, so i thought walking to the coffee shop would be fun.  brought h. poirot and i all set.  just sort of wish i weren’t doing it alone.  isn’t it funny how when i moved to austin being alone was the last of my concerns?  now i am a local, with a community, and it is harder to find places to date.  guess i will have to hope some new people move to town?

my  friend jon bolden reworked my website for me.  andreas did it not so long ago.  which i totally appreciated.  it had a few bugs i wanted solved though.  jon ended up sort of redoing it completely.  the new interface for me is awesome.  i am hoping it isn’t different at all for you.  it will take me a while to migrate everything though.  please let me know the issues you encounter so i can get them fixed asap.

i really liked that dream.