had a brilliant KS as always. it is just the most beautiful event. so many thank-yous for putting it on. giving people that opportunity to express themselves like no where else in austin. it was sad for me too. andreas was there, and muscle memory caused him to act like he always does. that was tough for me. our relationship has to be different now. different more than just intellectually agreeing that we aren’t in a relationship.
i talked with him tonight and for him it is different simply because he feels differently about it and, obviously, we won’t be sleeping together. but if we act the same in other ways, how is it really different other than a lack of commitment? and that is just hurtful. i can be friends with you, maybe even a better friend, but i can’t commit to you at all. and it is so ironic as i didn’t want to date him in the first place. he told me that since we aren’t a couple, if i talk to him about difficult or painful things going on in my life, they don’t impact him directly so they don’t bring him down. i find this odd (i find it a stronger word, actually, but i am trying to be diplomatic). so if you date me, and i have a problem, you can’t handle it. you can’t, as my partner, be there for me because it brings you down. but as a friend, what, you can hear it and just let it go? he asked if, when christine calls me with something difficult, do i care it around and think about it. um, yes. she is my best friend. i am concerned for her welfare, and if she isn’t doing well, that is going to bother me and i am going to spend energy on it. in my book, that is the MEANING of friendship. what is the point of friendship if it is just something that can come in and go right back out? isn’t that what makes the difference between strangers and friends? you care how your friends are doing? i should really just not care. if he really couldn’t be there for me as a partner, because it was too hard, i am better off without, right? life is not all sunshine, and things are much tougher these days. if i can’t rely on my friends when i need them, isn’t that them just using me? i really like andreas. we have some very positive things about our relationship. but this difference is pretty significant. i want to say to myself “heather, you are pining for something that wasn’t there. it makes no sense to hang on it.” and intellectually, that is true. but i can’t just give it up. i think we all do this.
he also said that when we had our talk, i demanded an answer. which i feel is a bit strong. i think it was another misunderstanding. he had said that he needed to see his therapist a few more times but he didn’t say anything about how he felt. whether he wanted to start hanging out again. his words, his voice, they just didn’t seem convinced. so i asked if he was done. he said that he thought we could work more with joseph on communicating, but that he wasn’t happy and didn’t think he ever would be. so i pressed as to what that meant. i asked if he was done. he said yes. tonight it sounded like he was suggesting that i pushed him into that answer. that doesn’t seem fair. “no, i am not done but need more time alone” would have been an answer too. “i don’t know, but i am going to keep trying” would have also worked. if he is done, he is done and i don’t blame him for that. reality is reality. but that is sort of my point. we make our own decisions. i just wish this hadn’t all ended on verbal confusion.
i am going to see my therapist this week to try and figure out why, even though i am super awesome, no one likes me enough to stick it out. what am i doing wrong? both patrick and andreas wanted me before i wanted them and then they both left me. what am i doing wrong? what am i missing? i can’t believe it is just that i pick the wrong people. without forsaking myself, what do i have to do differently?