sorry i didn’t have time to talk tuesday or wednesday night. i was doing a nursing thing. so glad to be at home with you this evening.  tell me how things have been for you lately? *insert discussion of partner’s last couple of days and anything on their mind here…feel free to add it in the comments section*.  well, i played nurse heather to my friend renee last night and today.  she had a shunt inserted in her ear canal for a problem with vertigo.  she was a very easy patient.  we talked, i convinced her to eat something, she slept.  no complications and only a need for ibuprofen.  didn’t even need to hit the hard stuff.  it was hardly a true nursing event.  mostly i was there in case anything went wrong.  it didn’t.  that’s good.

went to the border’s in town that is closing in hopes to get a rosetta stone for 50% off.  guess a bunch of other people had thought of that before me.  *sigh*.  i really want to learn a second language fluently.  and i think rosetta stone is my best hope.  but it is SO expensive!  i keep meaning to call the company and ask how many machines you can load it on.  i mean, what if you have multiple machines at home?  in that case i might be able to share it with someone, thus splitting the cost.  of course, i have enough homework now as it is.  i should wait until i graduate.  but if it was going to be 50% off, well… even though that was a fail, i stopped by the mac store because my machine was telling me to get my battery serviced (strange message).  they were able to squeeze me in though i didn’t have an appointment AND the replacement battery was free.  so that’s cool.

and old internet friend wrote me today.  he said “Are you moving from crisis to crisis? No!”  obviously he doesn’t think my life is one crisis after another, but, i know other people sort of think of it that way.  which is odd, cause i don’t think of it that way.  i have a lot of hurdles.  a lot of annoying things get thrown in my path (like my insurance payment not being set-up with the IRS yet, therefore i had to pay $460 again this month) but i don’t see them as crisis.  and though i want to talk about them, express my annoyance with another stupid thing going on, i don’t think of it as crisis and i don’t expect it to slow down my life.  yes i am VERY tired of all this crap (totally expecting my financial aid to be messed up again in fall, for instance) but it is just the way it goes.  so, for those of you that may read my blog and think “wow, heather just has all these crisis!” i don’t.  this is just my life.  and though i love the emotional support that many of you offer, it’s just how it is.  that’s all.

seems like that was more eloquent in my mind when i was thinking about writing it.

at the same time, today i really wished i just had a job.  i just want some security.  everything in my life is unsure, everything.  having a job would at least mean feeding myself going forward.  right now, that is a limited endeavor.  i know it is just a year and 6 weeks.  2 of those months i even get off.  but damn, am i tired of this.

tomorrow is my first long day at the VA.  i have a lot to say about it.  but i feel like i shouldn’t post anything.  anyhow.  think good thoughts for me.

i am hoping for a quiet weekend.  some coffee shop study time, i think.

To the brain the pain of rejection really hurts.

hi internet, you are my partner now.  one of the things i am really missing in life, and have been missing for quite sometime, is someone i can share my day with.  i want to come home, sit on the couch (or at the dinner table) and share our days.  so you get to be my partner now.  minus the couch.

had my first day at the VA.  i felt like it went really well, at least i felt good about it.  i did my assessment, and though i missed some things, i did…i just went into the clients room and did it.  and i am proud of myself for that.  i felt comfortable too.  i think that is almost more important.  before now i have always been apprehensive and nervous.  out there on that cardiac floor, where i have little background (because we haven’t had cardio in school yet) i still felt good.  i felt like i could check on my client.  i have this classmate that is fast as lightening and i am thinking of asking her how she marches through things so easily and quickly.  maybe she has a trick.  there was TONS of info we got.  tons of history documentation, diet info (mine was incomplete), med info.  and we had a short period of time to review it.  but i felt good about it.  i read it and it was completely greek.  in this way, it was a good day.  on the other hand, our clinical instructor announced she was mad at us because we didn’t do what she told us.  well, THAT annoyed me.  sure, i got things wrong, but that is because all of this is new.  YES, i have done assessments before, but not like this.  no, i have not been shown how to check the carotid pulse using a stethoscope.  but, yes, i did think i knew what i was doing, now i know where i was wrong.  doesn’t seem logical to get mad at me because i didn’t interpret what you said the way you intended it.  i wasn’t the only one, you know.  she keeps saying “what can i do to help you” (though she says it in a very aggressive voice, not an encouraging one) and i want to say back “let me learn.  understand that i am ramping up.  if i don’t get better, then get mad.  don’t get mad because i am not perfect out of the gate”.  but i am smart enough not to say that.  i don’t just back down, but i also haven’t pushed back quite that hard.  all in all, i feel good about today, and i expect to learn a lot at this facility.  that makes me happy.  how was your day honey?

just now it hit me.  i want someone to miss me.  it seems i am just too difficult, even being awesome, and people get to a point and they just don’t miss me anymore.  i had this text message that andreas sent me in oct or nov that said “i can’t wait to see you!”  i kept it and looked at it when i wanted to smile.  it made me so happy.  it was exactly what i wanted to hear.  of course, when he broke up with me i deleted it.  but i sure liked it.  and just now i realized that is the emotion that i am missing in being single.  someone who misses me.  i want to be missed.

i have had a couple of people mention to me recently that my blog seems like intruding.  am i being too honest?  over sharing?  maybe that is why i don’t have a big following.  i should stick with fashion and politics.  but this is my diary online and i am glad i say it out loud.  cause if i suddenly go off the deep-end, someone will catch it.

i love my kitties.  i am feeling even more pathetic crazy cat lady though.

when i moved here, patrick and i were finally, really splitting.  i didn’t want to split, but patrick was done.  i was in a new town though.  so i had a lot to explore.  it was distracting.  after 4 or so months, i decided i was ready for companionship.  and yes, that is a euphemism.  i met andreas and troy.  i was hoping to balance them off each other.  and they knew it.  troy didn’t work and andreas and i ended up spending a lot more time together.  it was over a year before i admitted that he was my boyfriend.  we had our troubles and i doubted our relationship on many occasions.  but i believed that we could make it.  and i like him.  so today when i stopped at his house to pick-up my bicycle (which i bought to ride with him because he started riding a bike) it just made me really really sad to see him.  depression seems to be gone.  his life has gone back to normal.  i don’t think it was “me”.  it takes two to tango.  but just like patrick, his life has gone back to happy when he was done with me.  it seems like they both got over me while they were will me.  and that adds to my sadness.  i’ve tried to go on some dates, i feel so lonely, but it doesn’t feel right.  it doesn’t feel good.  i think i need to wait 4 or 5 months like i did with patrick.  only i am not new to the city with lots of exploring to do.  i am in the middle of the hardest undertaking of my life.  and i am sad.  i hope this time passes quickly and i get to feel like i did in december of that first year i was here.  i hope it is the same path.

tomorrow i start at the VA.  i am scared.  there is so much that i have to know, that i don’t know.  it just takes me a while to get there.  i hope i have enough time.  i’d like to have someone here with me right now that i can say this too, they can give me a hug and a kiss and tell me they believe in me and then we can watch house.  that would feel nice.

well then, enough fear and sadness.  i find that when i am really stressed, very emotional and sad, i spend money.  money i don’t really have.  right now i would really like a backpack from cambridge satchel company.

i have been to the gym 4 times this week.  having my guilt partner is AWESOME!

went to lunch with billie and sandra today.  it was really nice.  even though i am in class with everyone 4 days a week, it is just class and i am alone at home studying all the rest of the time.  i really start to miss interaction.  it was nice just to chat and connect today.

i am very popular with mid to late 40-year-old men at the coffee shop in belton.  i get chatted up quite a bit.  they are always surprised by my age, which makes me wonder how old they think the girl they are chatting up is.  they are always nice.  often the hold my hand too long when we shake.  and they aren’t my type.  nice, yet odd.

tomorrow is computer training at the VA.  monday is our first clinical day.  i am very nervous because i am slow at making mental connections between diagnosis and intervention.  we only have a couple of hours on mondays, so i worry about figuring things out with enough time to get it done.  i KNOW i will get this with time.  what i don’t know is if i have the time.  i understand why we are pushed so hard, it is only a 2-year program.  it is just, it usually takes me about 6-months on a new job to become independent and quick.  of course, from that point i start kicking ass and taking names, but it doesn’t take me that long.  and i am not sure i have that.  i think i am going to ask one of the teachers to do some tutoring with me on client care plans.  we don’t do them in the real world, but we do use the same thought process.  i need to work at making it second nature.  i want to be a good nurse and do great things.  i just need a little more help, to start, than the structure of our program gives.

we found out that we have a group project the last 8 weeks of school.  instead of giving us a document that listed out the scope, objectives, deliverables and due dates, they just sort of generally said things like “you’ll have to do a flier and there will be a press release.  we’ll tell you more about it as the semester continues.”  ARGH!  we were told to get into our groups and pick a topic.  it was from a list of 10 off the healthy people 2010 list of categories.  things like: cancer, diabetes, nutrition and overweight, respiratory disease, etc.  these are general topics.  they did NOT tell us how we were suppose to focus our work.  just, pick a topic and we’ll have you do a list of things on it which we will let you know as time passes.  ARGH!  my team picked our topic (tuberculosis), choose who would do what, shared emails and phone numbers and briefly talked about areas we should explore.  i went up to the teacher and said, “our team choose a topic, are we allowed to leave?”  she replied, “you should talk more in your team about the project.”  i replied, “i was a project manager at a high tech company before coming to nursing school.  we have determined our topic, distributed action items, agreed on how to communicate and shared information.  the next step is to start doing the actual research.”  her reply? “oh….well, i’ll let you go in 10 minutes.” *head desk*

i am sore.  have been to the gym two days in a row and, man, do my legs hurt.  i also did that wagon to the coffee shop/grocery store thing on sunday too. had no idea i was so out of shape.  now that i have a gym-guilt partner, it is all going to be ok.  of course, she is my 19-year old classmate who said, “was that a pop?” when my bones popped when i got up from the floor after doing sit-ups.  i told her to leave me alone because i AM twice her age.  i do appreciate the gym-guilt a lot though.

having all tuesday off with only reading that needs to be done is not a prescription for success.  i read some.  but it took forever and was hardly enough.  i am sure i will find my rhythm again soon.  i just hope it doesn’t cost me another failed exam.

sent out my note about the changes to KS.  i got a bunch of super supportive replies and a good start at people that want to be on the KS Austin Project Team!  even got a couple of ideas on larger venues.  one person has never even made it to a party!  she still wants to help (and plans to make the next party).  it felt good.

i predict i am going to have one of *those* headaches tomorrow.  but i have class all day, so i can take some super drugs once i get to school!

made nachos for dinner.  damn i am good at those.

and i don’t even really have a reason for it.  i am just annoyed.  i did get a series of annoying emails this evening.  the future of KS is getting really complicated.  my new clinical location scares me a bit.  though i haven’t really been thinking about that.  i think it is mostly the KS thing.  i see myself getting sucked into something i don’t want to be a part of.  i don’t want to do things with andreas anymore.  period.  if we do things together, then he gets the aspects of relationship he stills wants (partly) and i get nothing.  i get a relationship that isn’t real for me.  it will sort of look like the relationship i was working toward, without actually being in a relationship.  and that isn’t good for me.  maybe when a decent chunk of time has gone by, and i don’t want the relationship i couldn’t have anymore, it would be ok.  but not right now.  right now his “this is great” demeanor is just insulting.  though i am sure this is part of the phases of loss one goes through, i am really mad at andreas right now.  it seems to me that he was never going to be a supportive and loving boyfriend that i needed.  that i think most women would need.  more than most.  why did i put up with it, you ask?  because i believed it could work.  like i believed it could work with patrick.  it seems it wouldn’t though.  because “bad’ things were too hard for andreas.  my concern about some people’s behavior being warning signals of trouble to come, was just me being negative.  you know what?  i want an apology.  i was right.  she was a disaster and ignoring her crazy just set us up for a huge amount of trouble and pain?  and what did i get for my trouble and pain?  ultimately, nothing.  i held on a long time.  i sublimated my needs, i kept from just exploding in fury when my needs just weren’t being met again and again, because i believed by being patient and trying to work through these things in a calm and methodical manner it would be best for everyone.  and, because i believed it would work.  i was dedicated to it.  it seems foolish now.  i believed and all it got me was dumped.

cuddy said something, in the episode of house i watched tonight, that is very pertinent to my life right now.  at least how i feel about things.  she said, “pain happens when you care.  you can’t love someone without making yourself open to their problems.  their fears.  and you’re not willing to do that.”  it may be a tv show.  but it’s true.  you can’t really love someone unless you are willing to feel pain.  it hurts to feel pain for your loved one, especially when you can’t fix their pain.  that’s love though.  and life without love, that just seems pointless.

i had a very strange dream last night.  i dreamt that i was in germany with andreas and blixa bargeld showed up.  we were in a school dormitory type place that was andreas’ home.  we were visiting people and hanging out.  then blixa wanted to dance with me.  we were talking about something very serious, though i am not sure what (politics or something like that).  it was a passionate conversation.  we both had strong conviction about the topic.  and then we started dancing.  and then he started kissing me.  and then he started taking his clothing off. andreas was standing by the door listening to the conversation, and subsequently watching us dance.  i thought to myself “doesn’t seem fair to have sex with blixa right here at andreas’ house”.  and then i looked at blixa again and thought “i can’t really just ignore this opportunity. andreas should be fine with it” and proceeded to take my clothing off.  then my mom called.  in real life.  she met senator john kerry in the lobby of her hotel in eygpt.  she had been talking to the american ambassador.  sounded pretty cool.  i am totally jealous that she got to visit eygpt.  i really liked having sex with blixa though too (never got to the actual sex in the dream, but what happened felt good).

i am sitting at bodega bean right now.  i walked from my flat.  brought my red wagon too.  stopped at the major brand gas station to put air in the tires so my trip home with groceries is easier.  i need to get more exercise and i have to time today, so i thought walking to the coffee shop would be fun.  brought h. poirot and i all set.  just sort of wish i weren’t doing it alone.  isn’t it funny how when i moved to austin being alone was the last of my concerns?  now i am a local, with a community, and it is harder to find places to date.  guess i will have to hope some new people move to town?

my  friend jon bolden reworked my website for me.  andreas did it not so long ago.  which i totally appreciated.  it had a few bugs i wanted solved though.  jon ended up sort of redoing it completely.  the new interface for me is awesome.  i am hoping it isn’t different at all for you.  it will take me a while to migrate everything though.  please let me know the issues you encounter so i can get them fixed asap.

i really liked that dream.