i don’t know that i was this sad this often when patrick and i split. maybe i did later, when we had gotten along so well and he wouldn’t talk about it. i certainly cried myself to sleep after i moved to austin. my situation is different now, of course. honestly, i feel abandoned. i am struggling day by day to stay above water and my closest support gave up on me. i’d like to think of things i could ask my friends to do to help me, but i don’t know what that is. they can’t spoon with me as i try to go to sleep. they can’t go over my flash cards with me before bed, cause they sleep at their house. if andreas couldn’t do it, he should give up. reality is reality. but it still makes me feel abandoned. like i was too much trouble. i tried really hard not to be trouble. i kept so many fears to myself. or at least i tried. maybe that was my mistake. i am guessing that patrick found me too emotional (i shared everything about how i felt) and andreas found me not emotional enough (i didn’t share enough about how i felt). i think my behavior with andreas was a response to my experience with patrick. not sure what i will do next time. perhaps third times a charm and i will find somewhere in the middle. or maybe i am completely off base and andreas found me too emotional as well. whatever. i just feel lonely tonight.

and i don’t mean the food-stuff. lately i have been getting a lot of auto-replies from mailer-demons that say i tried to send a message titled “it’s so nice to write to u” (or something to that effect), which i obviously didn’t. so, why does that happen? why is some spambot using MY email address? is there something i can do to stop/reduce that? i don’t want heathershair to get a bad name.