my boyfriend ended it today. i respect his decision, though i don’t agree. we think about relationships differently. with the exception of the depression recently, i had hope. seems like a pattern. i felt that way with patrick too. but patrick was done and now andreas is too. really, i totally respect his decision, like i did patrick’s. we have to do what we think is best for ourselves. but it makes me sad. and seems to be a trend. which means what? even if i was super self-actualized, it still means i am alone.
lately i’ve felt like demi moore at the end of st elm’s fire (minus the “my dad hates me” stuff). everyone thought she was so cool, smart, stylish. all the time people look at me, my tattoos, my clothes, my style, the way i present myself, and they say (i am quoting here) “omg, you are so cool! i only wish i could be as cool as you.” people are so impressed i moved to austin, and started nursing school. but am i really just a fake? when the money runs out, will i be able to maintain this facade? is that where it all comes from? if i fail out of nursing school, which seems to be the direction i am going right now, then what? i’m 41 and what do i have to show for it? i have chelsea. i am very proud of having been a part of her life and helping to give her the courage to be whatever it is she wants to be. to not let life hand her the path, but to blaze it herself. i’ve helped a lot of other people along the way. but i am a big girl now and i don’t have a job and i am running out of money. “they” say your friends can and want to help you. but if it all falls apart, having working with homeless teens myself, it takes a while to get it all back together. if you get evicted, you have a credit problem. and though i can do lots of jobs, credit problems in my previous profession on bad. i’ve been out of it for almost 2 years too. i have taken a risk on nursing, and if the risk turns bad, it will take so long for me to make it all work again. can your friends really help you out that long? don’t they have their own problems? yes, i realize there are lots of ifs here. but it is hard to ignore the bleak possibilities when they keep coming closer. i know, ignoring the bad so i can focus on ensuring the good, is the thing to do. but it’s hard. panic sets in.
my friends mo and jules came to see me at the coffee shop. my friend mocha happened to be here too. it was nice to talk to them. cheers me up, even if i still fear the possibilities. i’ll just try to hang on to the cheer for now.