went to the corset ball in my pink and black agent provocateur basque last night. i looked smashing. unfortunately, all the photos i took of the outfit looked dreadful. *sigh* perhaps i will don the outfit next weekend and try pictures again. i am just not a pose type person! i am an action shot person!

i feel sad today. to a point of crying, really. school is SO overwhelming. i just feel like i have no idea what is going on. that though i have learned lots of stuff, i don’t remember the details like i need to, and it leaves me dumb. which is weird. often i don’t feel as smart as those around me, but i don’t usually feel dumb. this experience makes me feel like a fraud. like i am pretending to know what is going on when i really don’t. it isn’t that i don’t know anything, it is just that i don’t seem to know the right thing at the right time at the right level of detail. if you told me someone’s potassium was elevated, i could tell you what to do. if you give me a number and say “what do you do?” i would have to look up whether it was high or low first. i just don’t memorize stuff like that correctly. and i really think as i am in nursing longer, that stuff will become innate. but that doesn’t seem to be what the program wants. and it really makes me feel like i am moving towards failing. i understand how things work, how concepts are related. not just data. i realize, all i can do is keep at it. and i shall. i just wish i had a partner or study buddy. circumstances (like location and child status and previous arrangements) has kept me from building a partnership like this. if only my cats had thumbs and could hold the flashcards up.

road the cupcake for the first time since, like, october. it was awesome! it felt wonderful. i wish i could ride it to school. darn those textbooks. next weekend i will take her out again. maybe i should start looking for a trailer or sidecar for the books?