Someone I met recently, confided to me that they live in their head, sort of. They said that based on what was going on around them, they had story lines going in their head. Like assumptions based on what they see and where it could go or what it must mean. These stories can be in ones favor or against. I think it depends on your mood, though they didn’t say this. I was delighted to hear this, as I suffer, I consider it a plague mostly, from the same thing. OK perhaps part of my creativity and energy is because I am flying at a million miles an hour in my own head, but what good is it, ultimately? Anyhow, I asked this person what happens when the anxiety gets too great. They didn’t really answer. Something vague about it not getting that bad, but I think I know better. Of course our experiences could be completely different, but I don’t think so. It all just sounds too familiar. I think I scared this person, as I often do, with my serious questions and stuff. Pity, as I would have liked to know more, but I have learned that not everyone is interested in the same level of self-exploration and analysis that I am. I try and shoot for the middle. I don’t want to be too high because the fall is worse, as they say and are right to say. On the other side, it is beyond words horrible to be locked inside your head, unable to find a positive way out. I am going through one of those moods now. Oh, no, it isn’t as bad as HUM, and hey, I lived through that, but it is still horrible. I lie in my bed and think all the negative things. I have negative conversations in my head. I think about how people have wronged me and then I get angry at myself for feeling wronged. It is life and it really isn’t that bad. I want to be stoic without being cold. I want to give and really not care whether I get, only expect respect. I think that is reasonable. But as I read recently in the Nassim Nicholas Taleb book about randomness, it is near impossible to do what we should when it clashed with how we feel. One of the German philosophers, whose name escapes me as I sit here on my couch, in the dark, at almost 11 p.m. on a Sunday night, oh, wait, it was Goethe, had a magnificent quote on this topic. When I first read it, I felt as though I had received a pillar of my moral house. He said, I am paraphrasing based on the quote I read in college, ‘To think is easy. To act is hard. But by fat the hardest thing in the world to do is to act in accordance with your thinking.’ But knowing all this does me no good when I can’t get out of my mind the worry I have about moving home. Will we have enough money? We have to buy a car, first/last deposit, school loans, BOM loans…on and on. Believe it or not, I HAVE gotten much better in controlling my spending but when I think back, I beat myself up for mistakes made years ago. Why dwell in the past? Because I am afraid of the future. Sure, you know me, I’ll take it, head on, but that doesn’t mean the anguish is any less. And that leads to another, why did they do that? Why do they react to me like that? Why don’t they be more honest? Why do I care? Why do I place value in these people, who so obviously, don’t care? And then again, why must I dwell?! So back to my head…what do I do? How do I get out of my head. Earlier today I was working on my reports, but now when I try to sleep, they all rush in. A virtual flood of anxieties. And have I ever failed? I mean completely, as in unable to go on. Not really. Not when I was faced with the task. I would cry myself to sleep, but sitting at that ‘desk’ I made it happen. So I should trust in myself. I haven’t failed me yet. I don’t see why I would start now. And just breath deep. Don’t worry about the routine things. And day dream about being invited out to dinner by Trent Reznor. A bizarre little fantasy but I could tell him about my Goethe quote maybe.
And so starts a new process on Heathershair.com. Beginning now, I shall Blog. Blog is ‘net lingo for Web Log. Essentially a diary that is updated whenever the owner gets the craving to say something and automatically. A web log of thoughts. An example…let’s say I have just come from a meeting and observed some strange corporate political behavior that has caused me to become furious or excited. By going to my top secret blog entry page, I can write about it and posted it immediately to Heathershair.com. The idea is, to start, to add the blog to the main page (www.heathershair.com) but continue the coffee talks. I am not sure how I will feel about the Blog format. As we all know, deep down inside I want to be a computer nerd, but don’t have the patience. So I pretend. And a Blog is the perfect cover. Yes, Patrick wrote all the code and loved it. He is the code, I am the content.

I realize that Ladies Poker night was, like, last year, in November, but it took me a while to get all the releases signed. It is done though and now you can all see what really happened. You can see the poker. You can see the drinks. You can see the Erotic Dance contest! Eat your heart out CRV!

I’ve added yet another page this week. It is sort of a descriptor page. It describes why I am the way I am. Or at least tries too. This last Christmas, while I was home, I picked up a bunch of pictures of myself as a kid that somehow clicked inside me. Several of me very young, one from 6th grade and a picture I took of my brother. Somehow I think they explain who I am now. I called it Little Heather, though it isn’t just about when I was young. Blah, blah, blah.

This week’s outfit’s main piece is the Asian coat I bought at H&M (told you I was getting better about spending). A terribly cute and comfy thing to wear. It also assists in holding together a strange outfit of new mohawk (now ex-mohawk but check the hair page for that) and polka dot shoes. Cheers.