I am starting this coffee talk on Tuesday. I figure, I think of stuff all the time, but often don’t remeber or run out of time when I need to get it up, so why not get it down as I think of it? Simple.

My readership has gone up 3 more people! Got a note from a good buddy back at Grad school who said nothing has changed at the biz school at Chico State but things sound really cool with me. Tis true. Though I really liked grad school. Anyhow, she got my page recommended by another Chico buddy who I guess is a regular listener. Cool! And my mom bumped into someone that said she read my talks. Asked if my mom read regularly, which she doesn’t, and remarked that she should (are you following all the shes?) Said there was a lot of my mom in my talks. I think she meant you can see my mom in my talks, ’cause I don’t think I talk about mom too much. I think I talk about my semi-homosexual husband more.

So I am having a personality crisis inside my head. Obviously most of you know me. Some pretty well. This is my dilemma. I don’t have a lots of close female friends. Well that isn’t it exactly. I know lots of females. I host poker night. I have girlie conversations at lunch about skin care, blah, blah. Today three of us completely convinced naive male coworker that yes indeed women, even in this day and age, even in our own generation are ‘secondary’ to men in most of society. I’ll go into to that more fully in another coffee talk later, but I think we convinced him. Anyhow, the problem is I spend lots of Saturday nights at home with my husband surfing the internet. And it isn’t that I don’t like hanging out with my husband, or we don’t do things, but now and again I would like the ladies to ask me out. There are notable exception. My darling friend Romy Langer always invites me to her girlie events. I haven’t yet attended one because with the exception of the first, I have been out of the country every other time. The first time, I admit, it was all German speaking natives and those events are never much fun for me because they don’t want to, nor should, speak English for me. So in that case, I should learn German and it is my own problem. I think I have partially done this to myself because much of the time people have asked me to do the bar circuit, I have not wanted to go since I don’t drink and can’t stand the smoke after about 2 hours. But it is like things dried up. I realize now that, socially speaking, you sometimes need to do what you don’t like much, to keep in the loop. Of course my favorite thing to do, virtually no one else likes since my music tastes are very different than my average friend. There is one group of girls that go to lunch at a cafe I don’t like very much, rather regularly. Since they know I don’t like it, they don’t invite me. But it seems like they never go anywhere else. Sure, I suggest things sometimes, but I want to be invited, not the other way around. That, I have covered. OK, so I need to be more flexible and choose hanging with the girls over decent food (though it seems like I do that every day in our cafeteria!). I did tell one of the members of this group that I was feeling left out and that even if I don’t like it there, I would like to be invited. And you never know, maybe sometime I will go. The other problem, I think, is I am a very heavy person. I don’t things lightly. I imagine I am a heavy person to hang with and especially on Saturday night, people want to be light. Now, many of my friends come to me when they need help, someone to talk to, or advice. And I love that. I wouldn’t trade helping my friends like that for the world. But I am afraid as a result I embody a seriousness. I can be light. I mean think about it. I am a very entertaining individual, as a girlfriend recently said. I give serious presentations about cookies! (this will only make sense if you work in IT). But on the other hand, what about being just one of the girls? I don’t want to give myself up though. Some of you may realize this, for some of you it may come as a surprise but I use to be more serious. It was once impossible for me to let any injustice, not matter how incredibly minor, go by. Of course these were injustices in my opinion, and I admit that. But everyone should admit that to themselves about themselves. Injustices are, in large part, in the eye of the beholder. Besides of course most aggressive rape, murder and the like. I know there are those that would debate that even, but again let’s save that for another coffee talk. OK, so all of this boils down to, in my mind, being more user friendly, having a better user interface (for whatever reason the IT terms just work in this case, do you think I have been in IT too long?) Don’t want to give myself up, or it still wouldn’t be fun, but I want to be more like one of the girls and have the girls see me as being light and fun like them, without losing my special ‘therapist’ status entirely. BUT, how do I do that? I asked to be invited to lunch even when it was the cafe I didn’t like. I asked to be invited even if they are going to a bar to troll for boys. But what else? How do I be more user friendly? Is it mind over matter? Do I just need to work really hard not to be heavy (think about what you are going to say Heather)? Do I need to work at keeping a smiley face when I can’t breath anymore? One friend said she thought she was embarrassed by having me, sober, see her and everyone in their silly drunken states. But I did drink at one point, ok not much, but I remember how the silly drunken state can be entertaining. Even if I am sober. Perhaps I need to look for more girls like myself. I do think it will be hard to find Corporate world working, weird hair having, good travel habiting, handcore music listening, not much drinking, females. I mean I am on the internet everyday and haven’t found anyone yet. Oh well. It just makes me blue and I want to do something about it. I’m not expecting other people to change, it is my problem, but how to balance it all. Anyhow, I just wanted to write that down. I’m not looking for a bunch of ‘oh Heather, it’s ok, we’ll take you out’ type of feedback. I’m not looking for pity or really even sympathy. I am looking for ideas though. You all know me. What do you think?

Now look at that. Exactly my point. Heavy! Isn’t the coffee talk suppose to be fun?

Eight-Off Solitaire statistics – 588 games, best winning streak 299 games, average time 3:19. Beat that!

Beach Party starts soon. Gotta go. Check the fashion page for the outfit details