if i were to go back and read all my old posts (many of which are no longer up, i need to fix that), i bet most of them are complaining. i bet most of them are about fear. or hurt. sure, part of my not-secret blog is that it is easier to write it than say it to someone (sometimes i read my blogs to my therapist because it is easier to get it out that way). but there are many awesome things. honestly, my life is pretty rad.

i have great friends and lots to do. places to go. experiences to have.

but i also feel so very lonely. it is really bad. my medication isn’t working anymore. i had hoped someday i would be able to stop taking anti-depressants, but maybe not. certainly not now. my psychiatrist fired me recently, i wrote him the meds weren’t working and i could not handle the side effects of one of the meds anymore. he said i should find someone with more similar treatment goals. what the hell? is the goal that i feel better? whatever, i see my new doc in April. which sucks, but oh well.

as i was saying, i figured something out today. i had been messaging with boytoy earlier (he is doing VERY well!) and i talked about being sad about Lucy. about what i lost when she died. all i have been able to say until now is, “we took care of each other”. but that isn’t quite it. today i realized what it is exactly. we made sure the other person kept going. now, Lucy’s family and friends might say “Lucy didn’t need help with that”, but i think we all do. and Lucy told me once, after she finally got a great job she kicked-ass in, that she couldn’t have done it without me. eh, Lucy was pretty awesome strong and resilient, but i think i know what she meant.

Lucy fed me. everyone knows how bad i am at feeding myself. always have been. Lucy made sure i kept going by taking away one of the most difficult things for me in life… feeding myself (i do not want to go into what this means exactly if you don’t already know the story. if you want to know the story, ask me in person next time you see me, happy to share.) eating is essential! eating well, regularly means life is better. all the studies say that! dinner was the only time my family got together regularly. it meant togetherness. now that i am Lucy-less and single, the reality of me taking care of me is painfully bright. i have GREAT friends! i have amazing things in my life! but someone used to feed me too. someone made sure i kept going. there is only me to make sure i keep going now. that is a lot of energy. that is something i liked sharing with Lucy. i’d like to share that with someone.

so, being single is even worse now. i turn 50 in august. the number doesn’t really bother me (other than i wish i were younger so i could do more nurse things before i die). i know that studies have shown sadness and feelings of emptiness and worthlessness peak in ones 40s, and then things go up from here. it isn’t that i feel worthless, i am awesome, but i feel lonely. and i know that it common, typical, normal at my age. my brain knows things will go up from here. and everyone knows my brain is still in charge (even if, perhaps, i should try and feel more). this will get better, i know it will. right now, though, all i want to do is sleep and i have gained back every pound i lost since my 30th high school reunion. food and loneliness.

for those of you that don’t ever get to see me in person, this is what i look like these days (ax throwing bday party!) (mod cloth skirt, death cafe t-shirt made for my by coworker Jade, black bartoli boot fluevogs (not shown); “Rock me like a Hurricane” – Scorpions)

how does one title it?

my roommate died Sept 13th. lucy called 911 at 7am. i was told her heart stopped when they transferred her to the gurney. they worked on her for an hour. couldn’t bring her back.

we had these rituals that are gone. the night before we had a perfectly normal conversation. no indication she was having health issues other than she had “heart burn”. could be a cardiac sign for a woman (women generally don’t have the tv classic, left arm pain, truck sitting on your chest like men do. that is why women die of heart attacks at a greater rate, the signs are misinterpreted).

i was the first they called because i was the first person they could find. please put an emergency contact in your wallet. mine says lucy. i need to change that.

family came. we celebrated her. they cleaned out her room. i listened to them find things that she had kept and reminisce about her, and them, and their lives.

i find myself saying “silly lucy” when i think of something i want to share. the night before was SO normal, that it still seems like she could walk back in. we just remodeled our kitchen!

i went in and held her hand at the hospital. she was wearing cute underwear. (i saw them when i lifted the sheet to hold her hand. women will understand why this is important)

she was the perfect roommate. we had already started planning our house warming part. we were going to make goth tapas! (and when i say we, i mean lucy. i would make dessert).

my friends are bringing me food because they are afraid i will starve to death. just like when patrick and i split. i really love being taken care of like this. it feels good. it feels like a big family. a place where i have people supporting me. maybe that place has existed before, but i really feel it now.

i may understand that death is not personal. but my patients are sick. lucy was perfectly normal the night before. sudden death is the worst. it makes no sense. when i die, i want a 6-month cancer. doesn’t drag it out, but people get to process it before i am gone.

man, i miss lucy.

my brain hates me

i have had 3 dreams (in like the last 4 days) of patrick “betraying” me. while i did not want to get divorced, patrick never betrayed me. all the dreams have him being with other women. and it hurts SO BADLY. the dream is emotionally painful. i want them to stop.

they are about the boy (david). he betrayed me the night he forgot about me.

they are about people i thought were my friends. i found out a coworker applied for the team lead position but hasn’t told me. why would she do that? i told her i was applying. this is a rift i don’t think i I can forgive. i don’t hate her. but i don’t respect her anymore.

they are about my boss. we certainly do NOT betray our patients. despite everything, our patients get a level of care of have never seen in healthcare (before or after i entered the field myself.) but i think mgmt betrays us. they say all sorts of things. but nothing changes. no one who works on the floor is held accountable. messages are sent with no sense the meaning or rules will be enforced.

so what do i do about this? i don’t have another appointment set with my therapist. we both thought i had found some footing. she commented “you say ‘whatever’ a lot more” (i think implied in that she saw i felt it too). i am not even sure this is a “big” issue. it is obviously very meaningful, but is it some deep seated, life long misery? i don’t think so. at least not one i haven’t come to understand and learned to live with. i have a number of friends that say you can’t trust anyone. i don’t want to live in that world. i also don’t want to take care of any patients except the dying. how do i find this new balance? or is it just a bunch of stuff at once and will mellow out?

my refi is complete. my financial position is far more solid. i don’t HAVE to work a lot of extra hours. don’t really want to either. i want to pass the CHPN (certified hospice and palliative care nurse). i get $1/hr more for that. that’s another ~$150/month. but you have to sign up 2-months before you take it yet pay $400 it costs to take the test at that time. i’ll need some extra hours for that.

PopCats in 2 weeks. new kitchen the week after. lots happening. now if my brain would just stop being such as asshole.

FB knows too

so, this weekend i had some closure that has stopped a loop in my brain. i visited with the “boy who broke my heart” to see how i felt about him. was it getting better? am i getting over the heartache? (also a thing about lust that has to do with a medication i started taking, but that is WAY too complicate to explain). Anyhow…

while it was hard to hear about other women he is trying to forge relationships with, it made things clearer. while hearing, he didn’t like me quite enough to date was a virtual slap in the face (though certainly NOT what he was trying to do, i am just using a metaphor for how it feels, my feelings) it helped clear the path forward.

while i wish you felt about me the way i feel about you, thank you “boy who broke my heart” for being honest and clear. i wish and hope and offer my virtual energy so that you might find the right girl and she treats you as fabulously as you should be.

(thanks for listening, y’all)

i have been thinking about this post for weeks!

so, basically, i started it in june, but have been stewing for almost a month. not in a bad way. in a “hm, but then there is this” way. whatever…

i am refinancing my condo. after 4 years i have some great equity. it is going to relieve some stress in my life. i won’t have to work as much, if i don’t want to. i find i like having days off. i like being surprised by who is still there, gone or back when i come back after 3 days or so. i did apply for a promotion. they have listed a Team Leader for HACH. i think i am the best candidate. i don’t think i am perfect. i do think i will need the support of my boss.  i worry about that support. but i KNOW i can make HACH a better place to work (not sure it can even BE a better place to die, but we’ll make that better too!)

i also like having days off because i fit into ALL my clothing again. so i have all sorts of outfits i want to wear out!

susan (from work) and i went to a haunted hotel/dancehall in Coupeland, TX last weekend. i do not believe in ghosts, but susan does. and i love weird things. we had a WONDERFUL time! i was talking with the pharm tech at CVS today and he likes creepy places too. he seemed to want to say more, but didn’t. so i said, “perhaps susan and i will need a male protector?!” he thought we might. hm.

i made the mistake of going to david’s FB page to see what he has been doing. there was a photo who took of someone in NOLA (that day). that made me SO sad. i even posted on FB about feeling stressed about things. i even mentioned “the boy who broke my heart”. he seems to read most of my stuff (considering the things he “likes”) so he may have seen me reference him. to be clear, not loving me back was fine – that is my own heart’s problem – it was the forgetting me the night of the goth ball that ended it for me.

but, with the medication, i don’t want to have sex (i have thought about this so much i feel like i must have already blogged about it?). which is super bizarre for me. though, emotionally and/or mentally, i don’t really care. i realized tonight that for the first time in my life i want to cuddle instead of have sex. it made me laugh because when patrick and i got married, he wanted to cuddle and i wanted to roll-over and go to sleep! fact is though, i do want a emotional/romantic partner. i just don’t want to have sex. i could probably enjoy having sex, i would just never finish. that causes issues. i don’t need issues like that.

kyle has started a new med for his depression that has made an AMAZING difference. he is a totally different person. he thinks about people other than himself. he has openly helped and supported me a bunch of times lately. he even joined the gym and we go together. he is my platonic husband. we act like a married couple. i really like just being around him. but i don’t want to have sex with him. i simply don’t feel like having sex. part of me wants to ask if he wants to cuddle, but i don’t want to give him the wrong impression or hurt his feelings when i don’t want to do anything more than cuddle.

i work. i sleep. i drink soylent. i read. i go to the gym with kyle. i sew. PopCats is at the end of august. i go see shows. it is a good life. i feel a little weird. everything feels ok. i am doing new weird things with newer friends. while i still love to dress up and look as perfect as possible, i am tired of men responding to me sexually, as a first interaction. my therapist told me i had to take “sex-positive” out of my personal ad on OKC, because men don’t get it. am i doomed? because my clothing fits me perfectly and shows off all the best parts of me, does that mean that is how men are always going to respond to me? life feels balanced and that feels weird. i worry i am missing something. am i missing something? or is this a peaceful feeling i simply haven’t ever achieved before?

this may not sound like a lot of thinking, but it has been. where am i? where is this all going? seems good though i fear a false sense of security. i’ll keep you posted.

some very nice things

i’ve had a few friends send me very nice messages lately. one who empathized with my loneliness, and while realizing being told you are awesome doesn’t make it go away, still told me i was valued. another friend was stressed at a conference but when the presenter reminded her of me, she said she was suddenly comfortable. aren’t those cool?

had a great bookclub. the strange case of the alchemist’s daughter. we always start bookclub with with Ross asking, “So, <bookclub host> why did you pick this book?” funny thing was, i couldn’t remember why i read the book. i picked it for bookclub because i enjoyed it so much. which counts, i suppose. not everyone had time to read it, because it was only like 3 weeks from our last meeting because of my work schedule. those that did really enjoyed it. i was asked if i related with any other the characters. “do any of the fatherly relationships remind me of my dad?” then i told them my ultimate dad story. some already knew, some were shocked.  there was a lot of silence (i am referring to the accidental dick pic incident). and i made my standard comment, hearing things has got to help people understand why i am the way i am.

my boss gave notice. i like holly. i think she is a GREAT nurse. i don’t think she is an effective manager for that environment. i pushed back hard because we needed a leader to help improve our work and work environment. for whatever reason, she wasn’t able to do that. she went back on promises on too many occasions. all of HA mgmt has. a few people have already asked if i will apply for the job. i’d love to be a full-time “charge” nurse. deal with staffing, help with admit/discharge, work on processes, etc. but i am not a good direct people manager (and probably can’t afford the pay cut). i want to help in the best way for me to help. i’ll talk to leanne on friday, i suppose.

planning my new ikea kitchen is challenging. the app lost my updates. i think i just need to wait for the summer sale and go in to get help directly.

tomorrow is a free day. going to lunch, going to get pedicure, going to donate platelets. a day.

my therapist is worried

so, at my last sit down with my therapist she asked how i was. i said lonely. i am sad because i feel lonely. she replied “we’ve got to do something about this. Loneliness kills.” and i replied, “yes, i read that research article too.”

Loneliness and Social Isolation as Risk Factors for Mortality: A Meta-Analytic Review

the problem is several things that build on themselves. i have a lot of monthly payments i have to make. which means i have to work a lot. which means i don’t get a lot of sleep. which means i don’t feel very good. which means i am not enthusiastic about dating. (and i still miss the boy).

it isn’t just dating though. i don’t have any close friends, really. i spend time with and talk with my friend Mathew pretty regularly (he is a regular reader) but he is married. my friend Stacy and i have started to do more things together. (note to self: do NOT forget the winter coat for HMart on saturday). i like some of my coworkers quite a bit. but they are married (or divorcing) with kids. with the recent struggles i have had, i have wanted to call someone. talk about what is happening. but i have no one to call. at least one i feel close to. whom i know values me as i value them. that is why this can’t be a boytoy or a playmate. i am not even sure it could be someone i was sleeping with. yeah, yeah, i have the body of a woman much younger than i am. blah, blah, blah. doesn’t keep me warm at night.

i do still enjoy dressing up though.

it’s late. i am tired. i should go to sleep.

it is getting heavy

the sad are super strong tonight. my refi fell apart for some reason. last week they said all my stuff is fine, this week it isn’t. it would have REALLY taken a lot of pressure off me to refi. now that worry plus the singleness are still heavy.

i have been going out more. went to a book signing with my FAVORITE author, Christopher Moore. he signed “blessings!” in my copy of Lamb.

went to book club tonight. go to see the goths. i like them. they are all married.

work work work. which will have to continue, until i can dig out of this financial position. life. but i’d rather be dating.

suppose to start my cat dress tomorrow with rosie. just want to hide in bed. not enough sleep will happen. i think i may send a note saying i have to start later. must go to bank, then i can sleep a little more. want to get pattern and fabric cut tomorrow. more than that is probably asking for too much frustration.

i was exchanging emails with my psychiatrist about changes in my meds. in my last email i said what i wanted to try. no reply so far.


going to read some romantic female and lead detective story before bed. i think i might start crying again (no this minute, just in general).

new nurse cat tattoo is finished.  and amazing.


i think, as we get older, this is the thing we start to run out of. the thing that makes us panic. it isn’t exactly money we are worried about, it is having enough of it when we need it. time again. being single? time. time is running out not to be single. i had a nice weekend. worked half day on friday, went to The Dinner Party event for 20- and 30-somethings that have lost someone close to them. then i went to a girls night, that was weird. next day to Hmart, had coffee, hung around. went to the store with lucy. i went to the going away party of one of our older, and beloved neighbors. sunday i did laundry, had more coffee, picked up drugs (from the pharmacy). then went to elysium to see my friend Luna who had moved to CO. for her job.  it meant i had 4 hours, max, sleep before work today, but it was totally worth it. reminded ben he needs to find me a boyfriend. but then back to work today. crazy day. so busy. didn’t leave until 9pm.

weird time thought tonight though. i got a new facial soap product and though i do think my skin looks brighter, i am getting pimples (not really hard, painful ones like i did as a teen, just bumps). so i thought to myself: i’ll use the aveeno in the shower (old product) and then new one before bed. but that assumes i have time. i didn’t eat dinner until 10pm tonight. if i had to go to work tomorrow, i wouldn’t have taken the time to wash my face because i would be trying to do the minimum things necessary to get to bed as fast as possible. not enough time. perhaps, if i were a more perfect nurse, i’d have had my charting done at 7:15pm. but i get up and help people a lot and spent 3 hours on something i shouldn’t have had to spend 3 hours on today. which reminds me i am running out of time.

the difficulties of midlife is not money or status, it is time. never having enough time.

(still thought of him today. sheesh.)

ben still hasn’t found me a boyfriend

he says he is working on it. some great songs on the dance floor make it almost possible to not be quite so sad. not feel quite so lonely. i think i need to try harder to get myself to 80s night. Ça Plane Pour Moi made my night. nothing like a little inappropriate french punk to make you feel good. kids today, their music doesn’t have the nihilism 80s New Wave did. ah, the cold war, it was so simple.

still REALLY miss the boy. still think of him every day. still wish he would message me that he’s made a terrible mistake and i am the awesome he is looking for. how long does it take to stop feeling heart hurt?