er, busy

i’ve been busy. sorry about that.  i work a lot.  and i spend a lot of time with kyle. and i try to still see my friends. i baked a coffee cake…literally, for my coworkers. busy.

Kyle and i are playing house this week.  his roommate is out of town so i moved in for the week.  of course, i work Mon-Wed. so when he is getting up, i am getting home. i did some grocery shopping and we have meals through Thursday. kyle doesn’t eat well.  it isn’t crazy horrible, like the pts on my floor, but his health was the number one concern i had in starting this relationship. i need to find a way to talk about it.  but i fear i will do it wrong.  he loves to cook, is happy to cook for me.  but not himself.  i understand exhausted. though i don’t feel this way at my current job, i understand beat down by your job.  this is SUCH a big issue for me though.  i don’t want to be a nurse at home.  which i told him.  but i also don’t want to have to end a relationship over health.  how to address it?  won’t see therapist for another week.  and the living together thing makes me very nervous.  my space is so importantly MY space. i am very reluctant to share  which is probably a bad attitude.  but I’d rather he live next door. it isn’t not wanting to make a commitment. as it is now, i could see myself with kyle long into the future.  but sharing my space? REALLY hard.  weird.  I know.

things are good otherwise.  we are having a lot of fun.  being in a consciously committed relationship for the first time since high school (and sort of my marriage) feels new and very exciting.  it’s fun.  i get to be silly.  i get to get in the shower and introduce myself as “your washer, today”, before i go to sleep for the day and he goes to work.  i get to hug him when i want. it’s a whole lot of fun.

new relationship energy

NRE is what makes poly hard.  when you take on a new partner, everything is new so you want to put all your energy there.  new is exciting! it also passes, and the key to making sure the primary relationship stays intact is to remember that and not forget your primary partner.  in my opinion.

i am in a consciously monogamous relationship, and consciously entered relationship, for the first time since high school (thought patrick and i were monogamous for a long time, it was another sexual relationship that “got out of hand”.  by that i mean i specifically said i didn’t want a relationship, we started having sex and then we ended up married…which i don’t regret AT ALL.  it just makes what is happening now so different).  and i am surprised by the feelings the relationship gives me.  it isn’t the traditional NRE feelings.  though learning Kyle’s body is certainly exciting.  it’s just the comfort of it all.  i smile a lot.  i feel myself grinning all the time.  regularly, i just stop to kiss him.  because the connection feels wonderful.  my previous sex-first relationships felt pleasurable.  this feels comfortable.  which, in this case, feels like a much better thing.  don’t get me wrong, tonight’s orgasm was top notch(!) but the way my body just sighs and relaxes when i see Kyle’s face is far more satisfying.  do i regret my sex filled adventures?  hell no.  my life’s path has been awesome.  but i find myself somewhere now more appropriate for my age?  life period?  goals?  though self-assured, i have been so nervous for so long, it is really nice to be relaxed.

(it can’t all be candy and rainbows) on the other hand, i worry about things lasting.  not for any specific reason but because my marriage ended (i don’t think of it as a failure, we did great things!) and i don’t have a great relationship track record.  and i am 46 and just learning a lot of relationship things to learn.  communication to practice.  things that are important to me i need to express in a constructive manner but stick with in terms of getting.  i am optimistic though.  knowing Kyle as long as i have (almost 6 years) makes things less scary.  i feel i do know him fairly well to start.  and i take things to my therapist first (at this point) to get tips on how to talk about things.  i have, so far, conquered, blurting out.  i’d like to keep going this direction.

did i mention the orgasm was top notch?

not since high school

i haven’t consciously decided to date someone since my first boyfriend in high school.  all the subsequent boys i dated (and married) started out as a casual thing.  it is weird how liberating deciding to date someone is.  i feel like it is ok to express how much i enjoy his company. previously i felt it necessary to keep a distance as they weren’t REALLY partners (well, patrick was once we married).  now i can be sure that we are a pair because we talked about it out loud. we talked about communicating.  how he has a poker face and in the past i have not received feedback on how my words and actions impacted my partners.  he is going to try and give me feedback. we can at least talk about it and agree at a meta level.  that is an improvement.

i had rsvpd yes to BBQ last week. kyle was going to attend with me.  i told my therapist that i wasn’t really looking forward to it because, besides the host, I only knew other attendees vaguely.  socializing would be an effort.  she said “then don’t go.  stay home and hang out with people you don’t have to work so hard to be with.  fine idea. kyle brought ove the corn dip he made for the party and we ate that and I baked pumpkin pies.  it was a lovely evening.  I need to remember i don’t have to attend all events, even if I really like the host.

sherwood forest Faire last weekend.  always a nice walk in the park with friends.  my outfit was popular because of all the boob.

mom arrived this week.  nervously excited.  ross is in town from Alaska and wants to meet her.  that’ll be odd.

i need a holiday. and curly hair.

a few things clarified

so, the boy is my friend, now, er, boyfriend, kyle.  yep, the guy who used to live under my bed.  he’s graduated! just kidding.  when i worked night shifts he slept in my bed.  anyhow, i mentioned the “so besides the sex, we sort of just do the things we used to together, but more often.  how is this really different?”  he had a great answer…that it isn’t really very different.  we always acted like an old married couple when we hung out.  most people, who didn’t know us better, assumed we were married.  that actually makes a lot of sense.  and is totally one of the reasons i like him so much.  we are very comfortable together.  at least i am comfortable with him.  he is even better at poker face than me.  so maybe he is freaking out inside or something.  whatever.

it is nice to be having sex again.  eighth months is a LONG time.  well, it is for me.  the getting to know someone’s body phase is always extra fun.  we mesh well.  the glasses thing is funny.  neither of us naturally takes our glasses off to have sex, so we always start by bumping them and then one of us takes them off.

unfortunately, my schedule has kept us from actually spending a night together.  i think waking up next to someone is a significant step, and not just because of bedhead.  this Thursday is really our first chance to do that together, but he works Friday.  perhaps i can convince him to take the day off and he can make us breakfast.  he cooks. oh, my deity, he cooks.

we’ve even already had the poly vs monogamy conversation.  poly isn’t my kink.  exhibitionism/voyeurism is (in a respectful and private environment).  he is inclined to monogamy, which is totally fine with me.  but if there is ever the opportunity to attend a kinky salon, we are going.  he totally agreed.

anyhow, i am happy and giddy and enjoy the banter.  i have to work the next three days so we won’t hang out again until Wednesday.  but we are going to the Alamo “Princess Bride” quote-along.  Awww, how romantic…BARF! (it is funnier when i do it in person)

i might be dating someone

so…this person is someone i have been friends with for quite sometime.  my age (yeah!).  it is odd going from good friends to “dating” because, besides sex and spending more time together, what is different?  we still talk about the stuff we used to talk about and enjoy doing the same sort of stuff together we did before.  how do you know when it is actual dating and commitment and stuff?  well, sure, you TALK about it, but generally not until some “point”.  what/when is that point?

there are things i am worried about, but, whatever.  i’ll just deal with them as they happen. so far i love the feeling of belonging.  it has been a LONG time since i felt i belonged to someone. (which is a good thing, not a crazy possessive thing).

tonight was not as it seemed

tonight was the goth ball.  i looked wonderful, though i felt awkward in my clothing.  just proves it is all attitude.  the music was fantastic.  the last song i danced to was “how soon is now”.  i then walked to voodoo donuts to buy donuts for my coworkers.  they enjoyed the donuts and boobies.  it was a good night considering all the standard defined good life items.  and yet i was SO lonely all night long.  all the couples around me.  all the long-term established friendships.  and i am definitely outside.  but i think a lot of it is me.  i spent so much time, growing up, on the outside of the crowd, i don’t know how to be a part of it.  and with boys.  i suppose i should talk to them.  but i don’t want to appear too interested because i don’t want to have to fend them off.  my history proceeds me and the initiation to sex happens quickly.  and i hate that dance.  how do i signal, “i am being friendly, when i want to have sex, it’ll be obvious.  until then, be nice.”? how do i gradually establish a relationship?  anyhow.  i feel like my blog is my alter-ego.  in regular life i am good, i smile, i enjoy my work.  on my blog, i feel my loneliness.  gandalf ran away.  i have seen her, but she has been outside for two days now.  i don’t even have her to cuddle with now.

feeling funny

i feel like i might be coming apart?  my discipline is gone.  i haven’t been eating well or sleeping well or getting the things done i need to.  my US history course starts in march and i SO don’t want to deal with it.  i just feel scattered.  maybe it is a boy thing. maybe it is a money thing.  maybe it is my mother hasn’t bought a plane ticket to visit me.  maybe it is general malaise related to a lack of fitness.  i don’t like it. what do i do about it?

being peculiar

i had another date with the interesting boy my age.  we went for massages.  he paid.  it was kind of him considering i am a nurse.  i felt a little weird about letting him pay for it but i really loved getting a massage.  we went to lunch after.  and he said something odd, he said “i am glad you wear that lipstick, it makes you look prettier”.  i did the turn head to the side thing.  he then realized he had said something REALLY rude.  and then he blew it 3 more times.  and then i said to him “my ex-husband had a boss that once said ‘when you are in a hole, stop digging.'”  he said “you know what i mean though, right?”.  uh, no.  i felt a bit bad for him.  he finally said, “what should i have said?”.  i replied, “your lipstick looks pretty.” “uh, yeah.”  perhaps this is why he is single at 48?  i still like him.  i was actually more bothered by a trend i am seeing.  he mentioned a documentary he saw recently about divorce and commented, “I had no idea how corrupt the whole system is. And there is so much lying that goes on. Women falsely claim that men beat them or sexually abused the kids. All to get sympathy from the judge.” and then at lunch he talked about women lying about being on birth control to get pregnant on purpose.  see a pattern?  i see a pattern.  would this be one of those relationships where i had to always defend my intentions as a female of the species?

dating.  meh.

went to karaoke with mars and some of her friends.  then 80s night at the highball.  it actually made me kind of sad because the other the girls all have husbands/fiancees.  but the music was really good.

then i had dessert with the odd boy.  i asked him what his kink was.  he said he didn’t want to tell me yet.  it is pretty hard to come up with something to talk about after someone says they don’t want to share their kink yet.  i tried.

then i went to voodoo donuts and took them to the office.  i buy my friends with donuts :>

terribly proud of myself

so, lucy and i had a miscommunication and our kitchen sink got REALLY clogged.  some friends made some FB suggestions as to how to fix it.  i managed to get the trap off and one other pipe piece.  i needed to take the t-piece attached to the disposal to get the most important junction.  but i was totally on my way.  my friends Joel and Kate came by to lend a hand.  Joel even had gloves and safety glasses!  but it is all fixed now and i feel that i have learned some important skills!

so….the BEAUTIFUL, tall 21 year-old, barista at circa asked me out on a date.  i will admit, in my 20-lb heavier vanity, i had lamented that he was not interested in me.  and then he asked me out.  as you know, dear reader, i have a new rule, no playmates. but this boy is SO cute! couldn’t i just bend the rule a little?

and if i am so very tickled by this date offer, what about the new boy i have been chatting with? (we have only been out once)  perhaps this is merely flattery in the face of my additional 20 lbs and lack of interested fellows?

got called off at hospice.  life things tomorrow.  i LOVE life things.

grocery shopping

i did the grocery shopping.  but now i have to chop stuff and make my snacks and i really just want to sit on the couch, with my cat, and watch Murdoch Mysteries.  the idea of sitting on the couch and watching tv is quite attractive to me these days.

so, on Murdoch Mysteries there is a character named george.  he is a constable (the show is set in Toronto in the late 1800/early 1900s).  he always has these crazy ideas…that turn out to be real products that would have made him a very rich man.  in the most recent episode i watched, he and a fellow constable were painting a photograph by numbers and he states one could great kits like this and sell them.  the constable he is working with scoffs.  they are a cute recurring addition to the show.

so, i told boytoy that i didn’t want to sleep together if he visits town.  i feel bad, sort of.  i mean, i like ross, but i don’t feel comfortable with my place in his life and how i have been treated.  more than that, i am trying to change the sex i have.  over the course of our relationship i have offered him support, unflinching.  and i mean that.  if he needs a home, somewhere to recuperate or hide for just a little while, i am happy to extend that.  i am MORE than happy to be a shoulder to cry on.  but i can’t be a naked body to snuggle next to.  it isn’t good for me, and ultimately, i don’t think it is good for him.

i did have a fabulous date this week.  i had a conversation with a friend in the goth scene about how hard it is to date in one’s forties and he had a similar conversation with this fellow.  so he connected us.  we chatted via Facebook for a week or two and went out to dinner on friday.  he keeps late hours which makes it easy for us to talk.  he went on a business trip and then visited family in manhattan.  it is easy to converse with him.  he asks me questions.  that is one of the issues i find in dating.  men talk, but they don’t ask any questions.  i find myself asking the questions.  this is more balanced.  he has some secrets, or so it seems from what he doesn’t seem to be sharing.  but most people do.  i generally don’t have secrets, but i think it is natural that most people do.  he offers too much too soon.  at least, he does for me.  he thought i was hinting at wanting him to bring brunch to the office, but i was just sharing what my coworker marie and i had been talking about.  he had previously admitting trying to think of something to bring to my coworkers and me at st. david’s. which is too much too soon for me.  if people start a relationship offering so many gifts and favors, it feels weird when one gets on in their relationship and these things slow down. i like to start slower.  i am an independent girl.  he is a good kisser.  there is promise.  i have started to ask around, no one can give me much detail so far.  he is attractive.  we will see.

i really need to start chopping things.  i really just want to go to sleep. i think i may go to sleep and then wake up early and chop.  will that work?