a boy that i like

so, there is this boy. we met YEARS ago on OKC. we went on 2 dates, at least i remember two dates (he only remembers one). he didn’t talk much. he offered to rub my shoulders. it was odd as we had only hung out once. one of those weird “too much” moments. we remained (mostly at my effort) coffee friends. recently, i am not sure why, i saw some of his posts and thought “hm, maybe he and i should go to a movie and catch up”. so i invited him out. and he TALKED! it was super cool. totally held a conversation. in fact, we went out for coffee after the movie and i had to call it because it was 1am and he seemed like he could go on for hours (having coffee and talking). so he went on holiday to praha. he invited me over for a movie and we had to make a pillow fort of sorts to sit on in his mancave as it doesn’t have multi person seating. twice, he has mentioned our first “and only” date. i think after i messaged him again after the movie was the first time. the second time was after a second movie watching. just before we started making out. it felt like he was suspicious of the sudden interest. which makes TOTAL sense. and i told him that and that i understood if he was suspicious but he has changed and he talks and i just really enjoy hanging out with him.

he is cute (always thought that), smart (with more accolades that i realized), fun, carries on great conversations (now) and is a fun playmate.

yes. there is a catch. of course there is a catch.

there is this girl he has been friends with for about 3 years that he is “obsessed with” (his phrase). he is very open about it. told me the second time i spent the night.  so, heathershair reader, you are probably saying “ditch that guy!” and the being obsessed with a girl for 3 years but not really pursuing anything is a bad sign. so i told him i was putting him in the category of boys i like that aren’t available (4 of them in Austin). this time, though, i’d like to be playmates with this boy. if i can do it safely. with the others i have been concerned i would latch on too much, not stick tot the rules. the rules are things like; no spending the night, no going out, just the getting together now and again (i prefer once a week, but schedules may prohibit that) and playing and going home. dinner and sex, basically. the last two playmates i had that turned into boyfriends were SPECIFICALLY not suppose to be boyfriends. they both had red flags. one more than the other. and when i talk about those relationships i say to people, i should have followed the rules. so i am going to try and follow the rules. cause i enjoy his company and i’d like some intimacy.

meh. makes me sad. boy has made comments about wanting obsession girl and sidelining me when obsession girl shows no inclination (as though it is a foolish thing to do). my reply is “you don’t like me that way, you like someone else, that is totally reasonable. it is your heart”. and i believe that. moderately secretly (i basically admit it to myself and my therapist) i’d sort of like boy to decide i am more awesome (i mean, i AM awesome). but the 3 year obsession may be a bad sign in terms of dating behavior. boy has made numerous derogatory comments about himself as a partner. i just tell him to stop. i tell him i just like him and whatever, the rest doesn’t matter because we are just playmates (though self-deprication can get VERY annoying).

anyhow, for the first time in a LONG time i found a boy i really liked and he is obsessed with a friend. oh well. perhaps things will change or i will find someone else. until then, i am enjoying the sex.

an interesting experience

so, went to death salon and riotfest in the last two weeks. death salon was great. lots of new interesting information about better ways to handle bodies after death. one is called aquamation (which is what i want) – it is cremation without flame. it uses water and alkili to dissolve the protein. really interesting. the other is called recomposing. basically, it is what it sounds like. composting of humans. it isn’t available yet. but it really is super cool. though i want to be aquamated, i want there to be ashes to spread some places, going back to nothing makes sense. it isn’t the body it is the person. yes, i want to be spread, but it is the memory of the places. i know i will end up in the vacuums of my favorite clothing stores in europe, but that is sort of the point. they are the places i am part of. it’s cool. we should all think about what we want to leave behind. it will help us think about what is important until then. perhaps that will help us enjoy things more now.

the NIN show at riotfest was one of the most beautiful moments in my life. new order was before them. they obviously still hate playing live, but they sounded great. a strange thing happened though. i went on this trip alone. met a friend of a friend (and his angry brother). which was nice, but not entirely necessary. stayed at the W. didn’t have to really plan to be anywhere. timing was my own. the festival VIP tickets were worth every penny. and i loved being alone. it was GREAT! it was freeing. it was freedom i am just not experienced with. why? why as this so great? what does it mean? is this a bad sign, even if it felt good? not to be overly cliche, but i am seeing my therapist tomorrow and i plan to ask her. but it was a rest i needed and all to myself. anyhow.

the sleepy just kicked in

sat down to post, at 0226, and the sleepy just suddenly hit me. but if i don’t write this now, i will forget. and that makes me feel old.

remember that longtime friend i had the conversation about life with in July? we had another exchange, and they wrote a manifesto on FB. it made me think about what i want in a partner, by making me think about what i have to offer. as i think about it, it isn’t your typical list. i mean, i am awesome, smart, independent, attractive, sex-positive and fun. i have some kinks as well (usually well received by my partners). but that doesn’t really feel like what it is i have to OFFER. this is what i have to offer: “my work certainly comes before anything in my life right now. if i try to think of what i would be willing to offer, compromise on, insist upon and/or negotiate, i realize all i really have for a partner is banter/flirt/contemplate by text, a lot of talking about death (a lot, a lot), an occasional in-person evening of talk/food/movie/sex. i certainly cannot offer, not even negotiate, a frequent in-person, quasi cohabitational, emotionally deep relationship. but, i don’t simply want playmates (though may have to settle for such while i try and find someone crazy enough to accept my offer). i would NEVER put on my dating profile looking for hookups.”

in speaking recently with a gentleman i have always been attracted to, who is poly, i have realized i want to be a second. having had the opportunity to be involved with this person previously, i declined because i would be a second and i didn’t want to be. now, that is exactly what i want. i don’t have the energy for a primary relationship. but i would like some companionship and i do miss sex now and again. i do worry that this feeling/attitude has something to do with the trauma of my divorce (which was probably WAY less traumatic than the typical divorce). i am afraid to speak to partners. i am NEVER shy about saying what i am thinking at work, but with a partner? yeah, i just want to avoid the serious conversations. i have mentioned before that people, mostly men, tell me that they can’t read me, they have NO idea what is going on inside my head. perfect poker face. i think this came from my divorce. am i still hiding as a result of it? i don’t FEEL like it, but i have certainly learned that the answer to life, the universe and everything depends on how old you are and what you are looking at into the future.

organizing things calms me. making pie crust calms me. i REALLY need to start a business organizing people’s homes for them. it would be my yoga class.

so much life going on

this month i went to my 30th high school reunion. it was more awesome than i expected. more people than i expected remembered me. or at least that acted like they did.  there were a few people who didn’t remember me but we made friends. it’s weird. we TOTALLY made friends. had lunch wth my boyfriend from high school, and his wife. high school was HORRIBLE. i would LOVE to have skipped high school. but catching up was really cool. i have already said my life is awesome but it was nice to see where i have come from.

i then went to LA CatCon. which was AMAZING. made new cat buddies. saw so many people JUST LIKE ME! next year, i want to go both days so i can attend the seminars. i want to take the ATX cat punks as well. a pilgrimage! i got lots of cat t-shirts.

my spending is sort of stupid out of control. but i just have to deal with it. like i do. i try different things to reign it in. i’ll get there.

next month i go to death salon in seattle and then riotfest in chicago. i’ll be staying at the W in chicago. being away from work has been really nice. my job makes me sad. the people that work there are so unhappy, angry at things. it is oppressive going to work. there are some people i love working with. but i often don’t have a choice. i LOVE talking care of hospice pts, but the place is so oppressive. st david’s is a great place from a people standpoint. good processes. good mgmt. i just don’t like the pt base. they are there because they don’t take care of themselves. and working days is hellacious, so i would have to go back to nights. to get SO close to the greatest job ever and then have egos destroy it. very annoying.

i am not sure. my life feels ok but i am suspicious somehow. is this what ok feels like? is this what stability feels like? it is calm and comfortable and odd. anyhow, i think it is ok. it is just weird. is it suppose to be like this? is this what looking back at life and being ok with it feels like? or is this the beginning of a rude awakening? perhaps my spending issue is my attempts and making things a little stressful? something else to work for?

damn it, missed June

i have been feeling sad lately about my job. things are so chaotic and so screwed up. doctors talk about being a team and then aren’t. we take care of very important people, people who are dying. we should be more of a team. when i told my mom i was going to nursing school she said, “Doctors, Heather?” and i replied i could handle them since i grew up with their fallibility. these doctors, not so much. because these pts are so special. grrr. sad. grrr. work makes me so sad.

my new vivienne westwood dress arrived today.  it is amazing. now i just need to find somewhere to go. oh sure, i used to dress up no matter where i went, but i don’t go anywhere but work now. and i  have to wear scrubs/shirts.

i like my new body. i am pretty sure i am menopausal. my body feels adult for the first time. i want to lose weight so i can wear all my clothing, but the size doesn’t really bother me.

spent an evening with an old friend (well, i have known them for 10 years, which was a long time when i was 20, perhaps not so much when i am 47…hm) and we talked about their life outlook. they are torn between security and happiness. i learned a lot about them. i was forced into my life change, and it was scary, but i am still standing and i think i would have kept going, because you have to. they think the world is out to get them, because the world is out to get everyone. explains their behavior. it is sad that they are too afraid to take a risk. but i understand them better now. it is nice to feel more connected through understanding. and i even got a thank-you reference a couple days later. it was a very unexpected event. it is a feeling i haven’t felt in a while. is that because of my age? is it because of my buffer zone? is it because of the people i hang out with? (which is not to disparage my friends, they just may not be the intimate type).

there have been two events in my life that scared me about me. the first was when i worked at mcdonalds in santa barbara. i helped a short, pretty, petite woman. she reminded me of me. when she stepped away from the counter she was quite obese in the lower half of her body. for whatever reason i thought to myself, “oh no, that is going to happen to me”. i still sort of fear it. though i have done better than i thought. the second time was an episode of 6-feet under. i woman living in a rented house, dies while eating her microwave dinner and no one finds her for a number of days.  it upset one of the bothers because she was so alone.  she was even a temp worker, changing jobs regularly. she didn’t really have any friends and there was no one to come to her funeral. the brothers went. even though i was married when i saw this, i feared it is what i would become. i still do, sort of. i have a roommate so the cats wouldn’t get a chance to eat me, but, would i still be a “oh, man, heather, yeah, she was cool,” death? i had this fear WAY before becoming a hospice nurse. and even our patients who have little family or friends, we care about them and want to be with them at end-of-life. our volunteers very much want to sit and listen to them. the fear is more after (which is completely irrelevant as do not believe in a consciousness after death). with the yucky feelings i am having at work, these feelings of being separated, fringe, are stronger than normal. not really sure what to do other than just keep getting up and going every day.

sorry i missed april

i post to FB a lot. i wish i could easily cross post stuff to here.

i have 4 trips planned for this summer:

  • 30th High School Reunion in Chico in August
  • LA CatCon again!
  • Death Salon on Seattle
  • Riotfest in Chicago

i don’t think i have traveled this much since i lived in europe. the reunion is sort of something on my own because i think few people will remember me. but i remember THEM and want to know what they are doing. the CatCon will be AWESOME! i plan to have drinks/dinner with the guys that lived across the hall from me, my freshman year in college. there will be a bunch of friends at death salon. no one i am REALLY close to, but i am not really close to anyone, really. but there will be a number of austin deathlings and that will be awesome. lastly i am going to riotfest because NIN and Saul Williams are both playing. already have plane tickets and rooms for all events. i am staying at the W in chicago. going to that sort of alone. some casual friends will be there. trying to get Lucy to go. but for festivals, i don’t really like to be married to anyone, because of the difference in musical interests. i would like to be able to have breakfast with someone(s) though.

the older i get the more i enjoy “life” things. the behavior of being. folding laundry. rearranging things. reading books. i have always enjoyed new experiences. experiencing things and people. but i find just being more pleasing and less stressful. i am guessing it has to do with being old(er).  but maybe i am just exhausted being a nurse and so low key things are better?  it will be awesome to enjoy so many different parts of my life and interests this summer. perhaps that is a change in my life.

i took the cupcake to urban moto today to sell it. it was sad. it is sad. but i have lost my courage to ride in this town.  it’s the middle turn lanes. cars whip in and out of them without looking. i thought about getting a big modern vespa. it would give me more power to move with the flow of traffic. be seen better. and to get out of the way faster. i would REALLY love to ride to work.

i won the bed battle with amex.  that was nice.

things from my youth that keep coming back. twin peaks. x-files. unfortunately, my youthful body is taking a little longer.  i have 2 1/2 months until my 30th high school reunion.

maybe back at it?

i work full time at my dream job. i get to take care of people who are dying. but my company is SO dysfunctional. our NP left and they brought in a rotation of 3 doctors. they didn’t consult our director. they didn’t ask the nurses anything. i had an argument with the jerk doctor about why/how people aspirate. he said “people only aspirate on their own secretions”. i have a pt WHO ASPIRATED ON A PORK CHOP! he said “our pt isn’t going to eat a pork chop.” THAT ISN’T THE POINT YOU ASS! the director is avoidant (with good reason). we were short staffed today. and then when night shift came in, one of the nurses, one that I ADVOCATED FOR WITH OUR BOSS JUST LAST NIGHT, was SO rude! wtf? i had my first shift back at St David’s this week. i really don’t have any feelings for the pt group, but i love the organization. they make me feel good.  they are nice to me. today was SO disheartening. we were short staffed. census was low. our NP left. we are short staffed again. it just feels like it is always something and it always will be. this is the work i LOVE but the environment is abusive. i am afraid to go to work because i don’t know what horrible, disappointing, sad thing will happen. and i don’t even mean the people dying.  why can’t it just be good? why can’t i find a functional place that inspires me? well, late. should sleep.  night.

no more school

i did it. i finished my BSN without exploding. you can call me:

Heather Black, BA, MBA, ADN, BSN, RN

for my next trick, i will get my CHPN. which is my hospice certification. it is a test, but i should study for it. after that i will study spanish. but i feel an amazing sense of relief being done with school. i had no idea hoe good this would feel. i didn’t realize what a weight it was in the back of my brain. i have been in school since 2009. i have friends who have never known me not to be in school. it is a relief.

i don’t know if the anti-depressants are working. i haven’t been eating as much, have lost some weight. but my body has been rejecting a lot of food lately too.  not fun.

the lipo worked nicely. i am happy with it. i still need to lose some weight because my boobs are too big to fit in stuff.  i do fit into about 30% more of my clothing. which is awesome.

i was to attend a christmas party last friday. it was at some friends who are a wonderful couple, and they invite wonderful couples. and i always feel sad when i go to these parties. i don’t feel like i fit in. i took Lucy there and dropped her off.  she came back the next day at noon.  she aid the last of the guests left at 4am and one of the hosts was found sleeping in his closet. this party makes me feel two things. one, alone, i just don’t connect with people like i used to. i am not sure if this is part of my job or not. i am SO drained when i get home. i have time for few things but work and life things.  maybe my job means i don’t have the emotional capacity for friends and loved ones. but i really love what i do. really, really. it means something to me. but i cried a bunch that night. i feel like the rest of the world is slipping away.

two has to do with the fact i don’t drink. on NPR this week they had Sarah Hepola, author of the bool, Blackout: Remembering the things I drank to forget. she talks about what it is like to be a non-drinker and it really hit home, i definitely feel this way:

“What nobody mentions about all the holiday spirit is how much booze it requires. Stepping out of that social script can leave you feeling exiled and lonely, like you haven’t just lost your crutch but you’ve also lost your cool card. Even people who pride themselves on their tolerance can be dismissive of people who don’t drink, like they’re no fun to have around — as if they’re the ones peeing in the potted plants at 2 a.m.

I’ve been surprised over the years by how little consideration is given to the nondrinking guests. They’re often a total afterthought. It’s like: Here we have an artisanal cocktail with muddled mint and cinnamon-infused bourbon. Oh, wait, you don’t drink? Umm, I think there’s some Diet Coke in the fridge, and you can just grab a red Solo cup.

To be a good host means to consider the needs of your guests: It’s normal these days to offer dinner options that are gluten-free, dairy-free or meat-free. I don’t see why drinks should be any different. A simple Google search will take you to about a hundred different recipes for mocktails. And if that’s too much effort, some sparkling water will go a long way. And, it’s nice to offer those drinks in the same glasses you use for other guests. Downgrading the sober folk to plasticware while everyone else gets crystal goblets is such a weird punishment: As if not drinking weren’t difficult enough, now I have to use a cup that announces my difference.”

it is how i feel, i feel like a weirdo just because i don’t drink. and at that party, i would have been the sober one. really drunk people are not amusing to the sober person. do i need to find a sober group? place an ad that says “hey, any non-drinkers, wanna have normal non-alcohol-driven evenings together?” recovering alcoholics aren’t always so fun, lots of issues, i have a history with that behavior. i dunno. where do i fit?

there is more relationship stuff. but later about that.

fucking tires

my best friend once explained her experience with depression as a wave.  she said one minute she was fine and then next a wave of sadness overcame her. that isn’t how it feels to me.  everything is just so hard. everything i have to do, all my responsibilities just feel like so much weight. i am so tired of having to keep all the balls up in the air. and on top of it, i have gained 20 lbs and my body feels like the enemy and i can’t stop eating. and i have this american express bill that is just completely out of control. i want to pay everything but it leaves me with nothing. i have a new cat. her name is snape.  she and gandalf aren’t getting along quite yet. i think snape is sick. i can’t afford a sick cat. what do i do? i don’t want to default on my responsibilities, but i am so at the end of my ability to cope. tonight i did finally cry. i cried because when i got out of work, after 15 1/2 hours, my tire was flat. and then the air machine didn’t work. and someone i hoped would help me, that just isn’t his instinct.

i exchanged mails with patrick around the election. we always do. but it made me so sad this time. because i am so alone. he isn’t alone. i have no idea what his life is like, but he isn’t alone. sure, my friends would help.  but with what? no one can take over my life for a month or two and keep me moving. the person who is suppose to help me only accused me of trying to treat my depression without medical help.  which was not the case. if i fall apart completely. if i end up having to hide, or not go to work, it all gets worse. more things go wrong. i have dealt with many stresses in life. but now i just don’t have the…something. i am not even sure what it is.  it doesn’t feel like strength or will.  i do still get up and go to work. i haven’t just stopped and given up. but something feels different inside.

my roommate lied to me yesterday. i came home and said i was worried about the polls, we were losing.  she insisted that it was too early (i got home at 9ish). i then asked if she had voted. she said “yeah, yesterday.” i went to bed and then i remembered. the polls in texas weren’t open monday.  early voting closed friday. so i walked to her room and said “you didn’t vote yesterday, the polls were closed. early voting ended friday.”  she looked away and said “oh”. and that hurt SO much. why did she lie? sure, i am disappointed, if texas had gone blue we would have won. but the lie, the lie hurt the most. in the morning she apologized, said she regretted it as soon as she said it. i told her the lie really hurt. she said she was sorry. but everything is just so hard.

at work, i see these families that are so supportive. so close. wanting what is best for their lived one who is dying. it is one of the top things i love about my job. meeting all these wonderful families. i tell them, my family isn’t close, it is wonderful to see such love.i really love my job. the organization is seriously fucked up, but i love my job. but is it too much? the work that truly brings me a sense of accomplishment, can i not take it because the organization is so fucked up? i want this to be my place.

there is more but i am tired. i have an appointment next week with a new GP to see about going on anti-depressants. i hope i don’t gain more weight.

bad reaction

i woke up at 0415 this morning to go pee. which is quite an ordeal in my waist cincher and spanx.  then i went back to sleep and had a horrible nightmare. it tainted my entire day.  it has tainted my psyche. i dreamt i was in trouble, i was hurt and i was sick and i was dying and i had nowhere to turn.  i woke up SO alone. and i can’t shake it. i connect with people at work.  i have a charmed life in SO many ways.  i have people who care for me so much. but i feel SO alone. (then i weighed myself. why on earth did i do that? i weighed 152 lbs. that is the most i have ever weighed ever. why did i do that?) and i can NOT shake this. i am doubting everything. (and my cat is mad at me because she is attention deficit cat) is the joy i feel really joy? how distorted is my reality? what is happening to my body? i wrote an essay in high school titled “midlife crisis at 14” because of my father’s alcoholism and my mother’s codependency. but maybe what i am feeling now is really a midlife crisis? perhaps this is how people find good? or join holy orders? or burn out? or disappear? i get to help people everyday.  i save live’s with my blood which i can totally give away no problem. i have a great cat (even if she is attention deficit). i am healthy if not getting larger.  so why do i feel so isolated? so wrong? i am doing the right things. the good things. but, something just doesn’t seem ok.

blog, i appreciate you letting me complain. i realize that is almost all i do with your these days, but it helps.