life grind.

things are life.  good, i suppose.  bad, not particularly.  but a struggle none-the-less.  i still really like my relationship but there are things i want different in my life.  and yet, i am not sure how to keep all the things together.  i do NOT want to work days in a hospital.  and yet i want normal life back.  a friend asked recently what people do when they hate the world and want to avoid the outside.  my answer was “reamortize my debt so i know when i will have enough cashflow not to care anymore.”  is that all it is?  of course, i will be QUITE proud when i pay off my debt.  so, it is something i look forward to.  and i LIKE working.  there are plenty of stressful days as a nurse, but i enjoy what i do very much.  had a lovely night shift as hospice recently.

whatever.  what am i trying to say?

as i get close to my 50s (isn’t THAT weird) i wonder what is important to me now.  i think i would probably tell the youngins that priorities and focus change over life.  we can still be the same person at the center, but the direction changes based on where you are in the arc of life.  i am good with my direction but there is some internal friction.  just not sure what it is.

first fight

if a friend comes to you and says “a coworker has made an unwelcome and inappropriate advance towards me that makes me very uncomfortable”,  that is all the info you need.  the appropriate response is to be horrified for them.  to tell them how sorry you are that they were treated like that.  your response should be about them, not you.  trust me, an UNWANTED sexual advance by a coworker is not something enjoyed.  it is UNWANTED.  FYI.

further complicating things, i needed space.  instead of being specific, because i thought that would be more distressing, i said “maybe”, which caused a great deal of strife.  instead i should have said “i am upset by this, we need to talk about this but we don’t have time between my shifts, i need some time to myself.” ok, that is totally fair, i will do that in the future.

i really really like this relationship.  i really like Kyle a lot, a lot. i can still see this being the longterm thing.  but, dating someone with depression and anxiety is really hard.  the thoughts make it difficult to not insert oneself into all issues.  but i can’t accept the explanation “these thoughts and this history make me behave this way” (not a quote).  we can’t always outrun our history but we can work to behave differently. and i am getting tired of “this is the best i can do.”  we can all try.  we have to try or it isn’t worth it.

we did talk about it all and it went well.  a good first fight where things were made clear.  understandings were had.  as i often say, “we just have to keep talking”.

my therapist says…

i need to not become frustrated with relationship issues.  i think that means i need to say things early.  of course, finding a time to express worrisome things is awkward.  andreas and i tried talking about issues/feelings specifically on sunday afternoons.  i am not sure that is a good way of doing it.  the health topic needs to be addressed though. the response i received when i brought it up before was very “medical definition”.  it felt like i was a student or patient who doesn’t know anything about diabetes.  but i do.  and there is no reason not to try.  i have made it VERY CLEAR that i do not want to deal with unmanaged health issues.  but i don’t want to do an ultimatum.  but i am not sure what the middle ground is.  i got an enthusiastic text message about fitness, but there was coffee cake involved ;>  i’d like to do things together.  our strange sleep schedule differences make things hard.  but we should try, right?

it still feels incredibly comfortable though (a reason i want to work out the health thing for sure!). i just don’t worry with Kyle.  i express myself.  i ask my questions and share my concerns.  i tell him how much i care about him and i am not afraid to do so.  he is been VERY good about sharing his feelings.  much less staring at me when i know there is something going on in his head.  and lots of sex.  lots.  it’s all very nice.  it’s so nice to feel so, just, nice.

er, busy

i’ve been busy. sorry about that.  i work a lot.  and i spend a lot of time with kyle. and i try to still see my friends. i baked a coffee cake…literally, for my coworkers. busy.

Kyle and i are playing house this week.  his roommate is out of town so i moved in for the week.  of course, i work Mon-Wed. so when he is getting up, i am getting home. i did some grocery shopping and we have meals through Thursday. kyle doesn’t eat well.  it isn’t crazy horrible, like the pts on my floor, but his health was the number one concern i had in starting this relationship. i need to find a way to talk about it.  but i fear i will do it wrong.  he loves to cook, is happy to cook for me.  but not himself.  i understand exhausted. though i don’t feel this way at my current job, i understand beat down by your job.  this is SUCH a big issue for me though.  i don’t want to be a nurse at home.  which i told him.  but i also don’t want to have to end a relationship over health.  how to address it?  won’t see therapist for another week.  and the living together thing makes me very nervous.  my space is so importantly MY space. i am very reluctant to share  which is probably a bad attitude.  but I’d rather he live next door. it isn’t not wanting to make a commitment. as it is now, i could see myself with kyle long into the future.  but sharing my space? REALLY hard.  weird.  I know.

things are good otherwise.  we are having a lot of fun.  being in a consciously committed relationship for the first time since high school (and sort of my marriage) feels new and very exciting.  it’s fun.  i get to be silly.  i get to get in the shower and introduce myself as “your washer, today”, before i go to sleep for the day and he goes to work.  i get to hug him when i want. it’s a whole lot of fun.

new relationship energy

NRE is what makes poly hard.  when you take on a new partner, everything is new so you want to put all your energy there.  new is exciting! it also passes, and the key to making sure the primary relationship stays intact is to remember that and not forget your primary partner.  in my opinion.

i am in a consciously monogamous relationship, and consciously entered relationship, for the first time since high school (thought patrick and i were monogamous for a long time, it was another sexual relationship that “got out of hand”.  by that i mean i specifically said i didn’t want a relationship, we started having sex and then we ended up married…which i don’t regret AT ALL.  it just makes what is happening now so different).  and i am surprised by the feelings the relationship gives me.  it isn’t the traditional NRE feelings.  though learning Kyle’s body is certainly exciting.  it’s just the comfort of it all.  i smile a lot.  i feel myself grinning all the time.  regularly, i just stop to kiss him.  because the connection feels wonderful.  my previous sex-first relationships felt pleasurable.  this feels comfortable.  which, in this case, feels like a much better thing.  don’t get me wrong, tonight’s orgasm was top notch(!) but the way my body just sighs and relaxes when i see Kyle’s face is far more satisfying.  do i regret my sex filled adventures?  hell no.  my life’s path has been awesome.  but i find myself somewhere now more appropriate for my age?  life period?  goals?  though self-assured, i have been so nervous for so long, it is really nice to be relaxed.

(it can’t all be candy and rainbows) on the other hand, i worry about things lasting.  not for any specific reason but because my marriage ended (i don’t think of it as a failure, we did great things!) and i don’t have a great relationship track record.  and i am 46 and just learning a lot of relationship things to learn.  communication to practice.  things that are important to me i need to express in a constructive manner but stick with in terms of getting.  i am optimistic though.  knowing Kyle as long as i have (almost 6 years) makes things less scary.  i feel i do know him fairly well to start.  and i take things to my therapist first (at this point) to get tips on how to talk about things.  i have, so far, conquered, blurting out.  i’d like to keep going this direction.

did i mention the orgasm was top notch?

not since high school

i haven’t consciously decided to date someone since my first boyfriend in high school.  all the subsequent boys i dated (and married) started out as a casual thing.  it is weird how liberating deciding to date someone is.  i feel like it is ok to express how much i enjoy his company. previously i felt it necessary to keep a distance as they weren’t REALLY partners (well, patrick was once we married).  now i can be sure that we are a pair because we talked about it out loud. we talked about communicating.  how he has a poker face and in the past i have not received feedback on how my words and actions impacted my partners.  he is going to try and give me feedback. we can at least talk about it and agree at a meta level.  that is an improvement.

i had rsvpd yes to BBQ last week. kyle was going to attend with me.  i told my therapist that i wasn’t really looking forward to it because, besides the host, I only knew other attendees vaguely.  socializing would be an effort.  she said “then don’t go.  stay home and hang out with people you don’t have to work so hard to be with.  fine idea. kyle brought ove the corn dip he made for the party and we ate that and I baked pumpkin pies.  it was a lovely evening.  I need to remember i don’t have to attend all events, even if I really like the host.

sherwood forest Faire last weekend.  always a nice walk in the park with friends.  my outfit was popular because of all the boob.

mom arrived this week.  nervously excited.  ross is in town from Alaska and wants to meet her.  that’ll be odd.

i need a holiday. and curly hair.

a few things clarified

so, the boy is my friend, now, er, boyfriend, kyle.  yep, the guy who used to live under my bed.  he’s graduated! just kidding.  when i worked night shifts he slept in my bed.  anyhow, i mentioned the “so besides the sex, we sort of just do the things we used to together, but more often.  how is this really different?”  he had a great answer…that it isn’t really very different.  we always acted like an old married couple when we hung out.  most people, who didn’t know us better, assumed we were married.  that actually makes a lot of sense.  and is totally one of the reasons i like him so much.  we are very comfortable together.  at least i am comfortable with him.  he is even better at poker face than me.  so maybe he is freaking out inside or something.  whatever.

it is nice to be having sex again.  eighth months is a LONG time.  well, it is for me.  the getting to know someone’s body phase is always extra fun.  we mesh well.  the glasses thing is funny.  neither of us naturally takes our glasses off to have sex, so we always start by bumping them and then one of us takes them off.

unfortunately, my schedule has kept us from actually spending a night together.  i think waking up next to someone is a significant step, and not just because of bedhead.  this Thursday is really our first chance to do that together, but he works Friday.  perhaps i can convince him to take the day off and he can make us breakfast.  he cooks. oh, my deity, he cooks.

we’ve even already had the poly vs monogamy conversation.  poly isn’t my kink.  exhibitionism/voyeurism is (in a respectful and private environment).  he is inclined to monogamy, which is totally fine with me.  but if there is ever the opportunity to attend a kinky salon, we are going.  he totally agreed.

anyhow, i am happy and giddy and enjoy the banter.  i have to work the next three days so we won’t hang out again until Wednesday.  but we are going to the Alamo “Princess Bride” quote-along.  Awww, how romantic…BARF! (it is funnier when i do it in person)

i might be dating someone

so…this person is someone i have been friends with for quite sometime.  my age (yeah!).  it is odd going from good friends to “dating” because, besides sex and spending more time together, what is different?  we still talk about the stuff we used to talk about and enjoy doing the same sort of stuff together we did before.  how do you know when it is actual dating and commitment and stuff?  well, sure, you TALK about it, but generally not until some “point”.  what/when is that point?

there are things i am worried about, but, whatever.  i’ll just deal with them as they happen. so far i love the feeling of belonging.  it has been a LONG time since i felt i belonged to someone. (which is a good thing, not a crazy possessive thing).

tonight was not as it seemed

tonight was the goth ball.  i looked wonderful, though i felt awkward in my clothing.  just proves it is all attitude.  the music was fantastic.  the last song i danced to was “how soon is now”.  i then walked to voodoo donuts to buy donuts for my coworkers.  they enjoyed the donuts and boobies.  it was a good night considering all the standard defined good life items.  and yet i was SO lonely all night long.  all the couples around me.  all the long-term established friendships.  and i am definitely outside.  but i think a lot of it is me.  i spent so much time, growing up, on the outside of the crowd, i don’t know how to be a part of it.  and with boys.  i suppose i should talk to them.  but i don’t want to appear too interested because i don’t want to have to fend them off.  my history proceeds me and the initiation to sex happens quickly.  and i hate that dance.  how do i signal, “i am being friendly, when i want to have sex, it’ll be obvious.  until then, be nice.”? how do i gradually establish a relationship?  anyhow.  i feel like my blog is my alter-ego.  in regular life i am good, i smile, i enjoy my work.  on my blog, i feel my loneliness.  gandalf ran away.  i have seen her, but she has been outside for two days now.  i don’t even have her to cuddle with now.

feeling funny

i feel like i might be coming apart?  my discipline is gone.  i haven’t been eating well or sleeping well or getting the things done i need to.  my US history course starts in march and i SO don’t want to deal with it.  i just feel scattered.  maybe it is a boy thing. maybe it is a money thing.  maybe it is my mother hasn’t bought a plane ticket to visit me.  maybe it is general malaise related to a lack of fitness.  i don’t like it. what do i do about it?