gary numan was right. it’s odd how safe i feel in my car. i am insulted from the world around me, without being out of it.

i took an s-bahn home one night. i was listening to Radiohead (probably pyramid song) on my noise reduction headset. it was quiet except for the music in my ears. i sat at a window and it was beautiful. me, the music and all the people and places i couldn’t hear. i was alone inside of everything. it was wonderful.

i feel like that in my car on the way home from work a lot. doesn’t generally happen if i am just doing errands. but if i am coming home from something, a show, a movie, something that is the end of my day and i am going home to sleep, it is perfect. all these things going on around me. but with me, it is only me, the music and my car. it feels great. it is a really wonderful peace.

that would be nice to have in other places. but, would it ruin the specialness of it? or is that meditation. i’d just like to drive around in my car more and feel safe. thanks gary.

i started this post and then stopped for some reason…

(what was already written)

yeah, i have just been really sad lately. just not a lot of happy things in my life. boy problems. roommate problems. working too much. tummy PROBLEMS!

i talked with my psychiatrist today (was awhile ago now). we are going to split one of my meds between 12 hrs and he told me about another type of therapy: dialectical behavioral therapy. the med change is because of my tummy (see previous post about BRAT diet). DBT, he believes, will help me learn to deal with people that REALLY annoy me and the like. i tried it. it felt like finding coping mechanisms for not dealing with it, to not be annoyed, but not to fix anything. yeah, i am not the cover it up and distract myself type. i want to work things out. also, the others in the group, i could not relate at all. they had children. their problems are SO different than mine. we had to keep a journal of sorts. we gave numbers, 1-5, 5 being the worst, on feelings like anger, empty/alone, frustration, physically bad. there were 12 and a “fill it in” item (i always wrote “tired and it was always 5). we were also suppose to fill out something about what happened each day. something good, or significant. anyhow, she would take a quick look and then ask what “skills” i used in the last week. anyhow…it was not feeling right.

i went to my therapist and she didn’t think it was right for me either. apparently my psychiatrist uses that therapy a lot. anyhow. i cried at my therapists a lot. i split with the boy (more on that below). my roommate is a great roommate but not a very good friend. i work VERY hard at work. i do it to make things better for the patients, ultimately. i enjoy the organization. and i work with at least one REALLY unpleasant coworker. my boss is so anti-confrontational that things don’t get fixed. the doctors suck. she says i need less flakey people in my life. but i don’t know how to do that. i think this next week we are going to talk about that.

the boy. well, we were suppose to meet after the goth ball. i had a wonderful outfit. (i will try and start posting more outfits. i have a lot, actually). we had talked earlier in the week. he said he had a movie during the day, but we could meet after the ball. i always knew that i came second. his “friends” (the people he works with) come first. but, i hadn’t heard from him all day. at midnight i texted that the ball was lovely. he replied that he was glad. he was at an impromptu, belated game night/birthday party at a coworker’s house (the brother of the coworker he is obsessed with). and that, was it. he forgot me. all he had to do was text me that he got invited out and wouldn’t get home until well after the ball.  that’s it. i would have been fine with that. but he didn’t. ***I*** had to text him to find out he wouldn’t be available. i can’t except that. i will not allow myself to be disrespected in that way. and when i did message him later that night, i told him he had hurt me the worst possible way, he forgot me.

i was going to tell him on thursday when were to next hang out, but i didn’t get out of the office until really late and it was a VERY emotional day. so, the next day, i left a card on his front door. it said i had wanted to do this in person the previous night, but the day was too much. i said, “i am done. i can’t do this anymore. i am going to miss you SO much.” (it was a halloween card too). amusingly, he came home early from work because he went to the eye doctor. he messaged me on FB. said he understood. i told him i was VERY happy to help him organize/redecorate. he replied that he was sorry he couldn’t offer me what i have been offering him (the boy needs to see a therapist BADLY). i told him i would be happy to go to dinner or have coffee, but that he had to ask me. his reply was, “OK. We should probably wait a while to rebuild some distance. You know I suck at keeping safe boundaries.” which is funny, because it suggests he would obsess over me like the girl at work. or something. i don’t know. but it HURTS. he is really the first boy i ever WANTED to date. i loved being married, but let’s be honest, it happened by accident. after marriage was playmates that got out of hand, but him, David, is someone i looked at and really wanted to be a partner with.

and i know this happens everyday, to all sorts of people. but i wish, my firs time out, i might have had some luck finding someone that wanted to date me back. that was Feb 26th. so far, no days without thinking about him. wishing he would see the error of his ways and how awesome we could be. but i am trying to work through that. that will DEFINITELY be something that i talk to my therapist about next week.

yeah, i have been sad. but i am trying to find good people to be with instead.

what to say

i think i used to be REALLY busy. but i can’t figure out with what. perhaps it is simply that i have not been working 4-5 days a week. or that my days off have been in a row. it’s nice. i worry about money, but the downtime is nice. not feeling rushed or physically overwhelmed. perhaps this is what comfort and contentment really feels like? or maybe it is the meds.

i continue to hang out with the boy. i really like him. i just enjoy his company. the sex is quite nice as well. but we are just spinning in place. spent the most of a weekend together and didn’t have sex once. which was weird (and a little disappointing). it seems i have inspired him to make some changes around the house. an armoire, a buffet (sideboard) and a new big chill fridge have been purchased recently. this was after the couch. he seems to be taking more control of his life since we started hanging out. i have seen this happen with people i hang out with before. part of me thinks it is just having someone intimate that causes you to reflect. but i have seen it in female friends too. perhaps my activity level makes people feel lazy and they have to do more? which i don’t agree with. anyhow, it is terribly cute to hear him talk about how things will work. we talked about colors to paint the kitchen after the fridge arrives. it was nice.

i went to see Trevor Noah and The Liberal Rednecks WellRED tour. both awesome. we have comedy festival here every april. i have thought about getting passes but it seemed like a lot for comedy. laughing is good for people right know though. i often wonder whether this feeling of fear and disaster i walk around with is how conservatives felt while Obama was president? we weren’t unnecessarily taunting north korea, but we weren’t fighting them either. the Obama administration, and specifically the president and his family had NOT ONE scandal during their entire 8 years. it’s hard to understand how conservatives can feel better with Trump. i asked my conservative coworker that hated Obama if she thought Trump was “stable” and a “genius”. she wouldn’t look at me, but she said “I do think he is stable and a genius”. *sigh*

random minutia:
-i am behind on my book reading goal for the year
-i love my cleaning lady
-been going to the gym on my days off

i have been experimenting with food. went on the BRAT diet to try and stop food from flying out of my body. haven’t been sick since last Sunday (started Monday). but haven’t eaten much. did have BBQ (no problem) and Sushi (little effect). had an Amy’s cheese burrito with beans and corn. no pain but some pressure. i am really afraid it is breakfast tacos. i know sugar is a problem. to be blunt, soon after imbibing in sugar, i get gas-y. like FAST. but, as we have talked about before, i work in health care. sugar abounds! i want to add more foods but i don’t know what to add. i need to start getting more protein. but how? some friends have suggested soylent, but i really want to eat food, food. lucy contemplated greasy foods being the issue. kyle suggested my gal bladder. it all started with the meds. can’t go off the meds yet. or then we have an entirely different problem. i have gone below 140, which i have wanted for a long time, but it won’t last and my body is going to start saying, “er, we need more food so we are just going to slow that metabolism WAY down”. it would be nice to be able to eat like normal people.

damn, i am middle aged.


rules as i recently explained them. to the boy (see previous post)

-playmates isn’t for everyone

-don’t spend the night (encourages deep connection) (this is the rule i have broken TOO many times in the past)

-respect is the most important need/trait in the relationship

-there is NO owing someone play. if either party isn’t feeling it, they just aren’t. no need/reason/expectation to explain.

-the sex has to be good (which is an odd rule to check for compliance, but you know what i mean)

-if one party is starting to feel too attached, they should tell the other party and then mutually decide what to do (reinforce rules, stop being playmates, limit contact, lots of options)

-neither party is required to share any more of themselves than their body (and associated brain, er, activity, for the maximum sexual experience).

-we are not machines, sometimes we may find ourselves feeing very emotional while with our playmate. in those cases either party can decide to stop playing at that time. as to what is shared in that moment, it is situational and up to the individuals at that time. just remember rule #1 is respect.

any other suggestions? he is just so darn cute!

worked christmas and it was beautiful. a pt passed and i called the family (he was 92 yr old). the daughter said, “oh, we were planning on coming down for lunch” (we served a christmas lunch for patients and families). i encouraged her to come anyway. she and her husband and her brother came. and it was really beautiful. i explained how there were three of us in the room holding his hands and stroking his hair. it was a calm death. a good death. there was crying and i apologized, well, gave sympathy, that is happened on christmas. the son seemed to have the hardest time with that. we ate lunch together. there were a bunch of people to talk to. families relating. i suggested, if next year is really hard, come down and see us. we’d love to have you. they left a peace with dad’s death. and THAT is why i am a hospice nurse.

 ***begin sarcasm*** NYE was a swinging time***/end sarcasm*** i slept in. i had lunch with kyle, we went and read books at circa. then i went home and sewed. i fixed 5 bras and made 4 shirts. i listened to A LOT of “wait, wait don’t tell me”. my podcast backlog had gotten out of hand. i ALMOST finished before midnight. but then my stupid machine kept eating my bobbin, grrr, grrr, grrr. so i finished at 1am.

just sort of waiting for work to start again. i spoke with my boss today and explained that i felt i worked harder and stepped up more than almost all the nurses.  even if i am not charge, they come to me with IT, Suncoast, med issues. and i don’t mind helping. i am a helper. but when disaster strikes, which it did twice in the last two weeks, i stepped up and solved the problem. one day, when we had a horrible med issue, i jumped right in and two of the staff members said “what would have done without you today?” i was flattered and honored. no reason we can’t fix things. ANYHOW, my boss can do NOTHING about my pay so i asked for a 4th shift. i have a scheduled 4th shift every pay period. it was sort of easy because we have gaps on day shift. also, i know i will be first called off those weeks. but i appreciated the acknowledgment of my efforts and agreeing to do what can be done to reward my effort.

yeah, i still blog sometimes.

such a weird lesson

or maybe it isn’t a lesson? i dunno. but this boy thing is difficult. i don’t even want to say frustrating. it is difficult. i am happy that i am feeling this interest, but this boy does not seem to be the possible one. so what do i do? i have done so-so with the rules. he is not looking forward to the holidays for good reasons. he is sad about the girl he is obsessed with. he is sad for the same reason we have in common. feeling sidelined in our groups. i think i am a little more comfortable than he is. but he has a family. a close family. a family going through a very difficult event, but he has the connection of those relations. that is not something i have. i don’t know, for whatever reason i am more ok with my isolation, my position in life and society. i feel for him and i like to give him tenderness, touch. something he hasn’t seemed to have had for a while. but then it makes me sad because it isn’t equal.  but it is nice. it is REALLY nice to feel so positive about someone. it is has just been SO long. but am i just really setting myself up for complete heartache? i mean crushing like it has never been before. or is this the sweet thing that, er, this is? the chance to feel something like this? which it seems like i have never felt before? this poor boy. he has no idea. and i do not think i should tell him. i do want him to know someone wants him. but, perhaps, i will save that for the end. one of my rules is 6-months. more than 6-months and things get too, well, what they already seem to be developing into. only, usually, the 6-month rule is for them. not me. this would be for me.

i see my therapist tomorrow (psychiatrist too). i am going to ask her when i should tell him how much he means to me. not for me, but for him. he doesn’t want me. he doesn’t like me that way. but it is ALWAYS nice to be loved. so i feel like it would be nice for him to hear that. yes, it feels bad not to be loved by whom we want to be loved, but it is still nice to be loved. i think maybe that is the thing i am better at than him. at taking the love that we don’t receive from the people we want to (and in many cases should) love us. i have been doing that from day one.

a friend said to me at lunch recently, “wow, your family was crappy”. and it was nice to hear that. it was nice to hear someone, not a therapist but a person like me, say i did struggle.

why am i ok with it? why am i so calm? i am really worried that there is something just below the surface. that one day i am just going to crumble. i think i may have said this before. but seriously am i heading for an isolated fall?

a boy that i like

so, there is this boy. we met YEARS ago on OKC. we went on 2 dates, at least i remember two dates (he only remembers one). he didn’t talk much. he offered to rub my shoulders. it was odd as we had only hung out once. one of those weird “too much” moments. we remained (mostly at my effort) coffee friends. recently, i am not sure why, i saw some of his posts and thought “hm, maybe he and i should go to a movie and catch up”. so i invited him out. and he TALKED! it was super cool. totally held a conversation. in fact, we went out for coffee after the movie and i had to call it because it was 1am and he seemed like he could go on for hours (having coffee and talking). so he went on holiday to praha. he invited me over for a movie and we had to make a pillow fort of sorts to sit on in his mancave as it doesn’t have multi person seating. twice, he has mentioned our first “and only” date. i think after i messaged him again after the movie was the first time. the second time was after a second movie watching. just before we started making out. it felt like he was suspicious of the sudden interest. which makes TOTAL sense. and i told him that and that i understood if he was suspicious but he has changed and he talks and i just really enjoy hanging out with him.

he is cute (always thought that), smart (with more accolades that i realized), fun, carries on great conversations (now) and is a fun playmate.

yes. there is a catch. of course there is a catch.

there is this girl he has been friends with for about 3 years that he is “obsessed with” (his phrase). he is very open about it. told me the second time i spent the night.  so, heathershair reader, you are probably saying “ditch that guy!” and the being obsessed with a girl for 3 years but not really pursuing anything is a bad sign. so i told him i was putting him in the category of boys i like that aren’t available (4 of them in Austin). this time, though, i’d like to be playmates with this boy. if i can do it safely. with the others i have been concerned i would latch on too much, not stick tot the rules. the rules are things like; no spending the night, no going out, just the getting together now and again (i prefer once a week, but schedules may prohibit that) and playing and going home. dinner and sex, basically. the last two playmates i had that turned into boyfriends were SPECIFICALLY not suppose to be boyfriends. they both had red flags. one more than the other. and when i talk about those relationships i say to people, i should have followed the rules. so i am going to try and follow the rules. cause i enjoy his company and i’d like some intimacy.

meh. makes me sad. boy has made comments about wanting obsession girl and sidelining me when obsession girl shows no inclination (as though it is a foolish thing to do). my reply is “you don’t like me that way, you like someone else, that is totally reasonable. it is your heart”. and i believe that. moderately secretly (i basically admit it to myself and my therapist) i’d sort of like boy to decide i am more awesome (i mean, i AM awesome). but the 3 year obsession may be a bad sign in terms of dating behavior. boy has made numerous derogatory comments about himself as a partner. i just tell him to stop. i tell him i just like him and whatever, the rest doesn’t matter because we are just playmates (though self-deprication can get VERY annoying).

anyhow, for the first time in a LONG time i found a boy i really liked and he is obsessed with a friend. oh well. perhaps things will change or i will find someone else. until then, i am enjoying the sex.

an interesting experience

so, went to death salon and riotfest in the last two weeks. death salon was great. lots of new interesting information about better ways to handle bodies after death. one is called aquamation (which is what i want) – it is cremation without flame. it uses water and alkili to dissolve the protein. really interesting. the other is called recomposing. basically, it is what it sounds like. composting of humans. it isn’t available yet. but it really is super cool. though i want to be aquamated, i want there to be ashes to spread some places, going back to nothing makes sense. it isn’t the body it is the person. yes, i want to be spread, but it is the memory of the places. i know i will end up in the vacuums of my favorite clothing stores in europe, but that is sort of the point. they are the places i am part of. it’s cool. we should all think about what we want to leave behind. it will help us think about what is important until then. perhaps that will help us enjoy things more now.

the NIN show at riotfest was one of the most beautiful moments in my life. new order was before them. they obviously still hate playing live, but they sounded great. a strange thing happened though. i went on this trip alone. met a friend of a friend (and his angry brother). which was nice, but not entirely necessary. stayed at the W. didn’t have to really plan to be anywhere. timing was my own. the festival VIP tickets were worth every penny. and i loved being alone. it was GREAT! it was freeing. it was freedom i am just not experienced with. why? why as this so great? what does it mean? is this a bad sign, even if it felt good? not to be overly cliche, but i am seeing my therapist tomorrow and i plan to ask her. but it was a rest i needed and all to myself. anyhow.

the sleepy just kicked in

sat down to post, at 0226, and the sleepy just suddenly hit me. but if i don’t write this now, i will forget. and that makes me feel old.

remember that longtime friend i had the conversation about life with in July? we had another exchange, and they wrote a manifesto on FB. it made me think about what i want in a partner, by making me think about what i have to offer. as i think about it, it isn’t your typical list. i mean, i am awesome, smart, independent, attractive, sex-positive and fun. i have some kinks as well (usually well received by my partners). but that doesn’t really feel like what it is i have to OFFER. this is what i have to offer: “my work certainly comes before anything in my life right now. if i try to think of what i would be willing to offer, compromise on, insist upon and/or negotiate, i realize all i really have for a partner is banter/flirt/contemplate by text, a lot of talking about death (a lot, a lot), an occasional in-person evening of talk/food/movie/sex. i certainly cannot offer, not even negotiate, a frequent in-person, quasi cohabitational, emotionally deep relationship. but, i don’t simply want playmates (though may have to settle for such while i try and find someone crazy enough to accept my offer). i would NEVER put on my dating profile looking for hookups.”

in speaking recently with a gentleman i have always been attracted to, who is poly, i have realized i want to be a second. having had the opportunity to be involved with this person previously, i declined because i would be a second and i didn’t want to be. now, that is exactly what i want. i don’t have the energy for a primary relationship. but i would like some companionship and i do miss sex now and again. i do worry that this feeling/attitude has something to do with the trauma of my divorce (which was probably WAY less traumatic than the typical divorce). i am afraid to speak to partners. i am NEVER shy about saying what i am thinking at work, but with a partner? yeah, i just want to avoid the serious conversations. i have mentioned before that people, mostly men, tell me that they can’t read me, they have NO idea what is going on inside my head. perfect poker face. i think this came from my divorce. am i still hiding as a result of it? i don’t FEEL like it, but i have certainly learned that the answer to life, the universe and everything depends on how old you are and what you are looking at into the future.

organizing things calms me. making pie crust calms me. i REALLY need to start a business organizing people’s homes for them. it would be my yoga class.

so much life going on

this month i went to my 30th high school reunion. it was more awesome than i expected. more people than i expected remembered me. or at least that acted like they did.  there were a few people who didn’t remember me but we made friends. it’s weird. we TOTALLY made friends. had lunch wth my boyfriend from high school, and his wife. high school was HORRIBLE. i would LOVE to have skipped high school. but catching up was really cool. i have already said my life is awesome but it was nice to see where i have come from.

i then went to LA CatCon. which was AMAZING. made new cat buddies. saw so many people JUST LIKE ME! next year, i want to go both days so i can attend the seminars. i want to take the ATX cat punks as well. a pilgrimage! i got lots of cat t-shirts.

my spending is sort of stupid out of control. but i just have to deal with it. like i do. i try different things to reign it in. i’ll get there.

next month i go to death salon in seattle and then riotfest in chicago. i’ll be staying at the W in chicago. being away from work has been really nice. my job makes me sad. the people that work there are so unhappy, angry at things. it is oppressive going to work. there are some people i love working with. but i often don’t have a choice. i LOVE talking care of hospice pts, but the place is so oppressive. st david’s is a great place from a people standpoint. good processes. good mgmt. i just don’t like the pt base. they are there because they don’t take care of themselves. and working days is hellacious, so i would have to go back to nights. to get SO close to the greatest job ever and then have egos destroy it. very annoying.

i am not sure. my life feels ok but i am suspicious somehow. is this what ok feels like? is this what stability feels like? it is calm and comfortable and odd. anyhow, i think it is ok. it is just weird. is it suppose to be like this? is this what looking back at life and being ok with it feels like? or is this the beginning of a rude awakening? perhaps my spending issue is my attempts and making things a little stressful? something else to work for?

damn it, missed June

i have been feeling sad lately about my job. things are so chaotic and so screwed up. doctors talk about being a team and then aren’t. we take care of very important people, people who are dying. we should be more of a team. when i told my mom i was going to nursing school she said, “Doctors, Heather?” and i replied i could handle them since i grew up with their fallibility. these doctors, not so much. because these pts are so special. grrr. sad. grrr. work makes me so sad.

my new vivienne westwood dress arrived today.  it is amazing. now i just need to find somewhere to go. oh sure, i used to dress up no matter where i went, but i don’t go anywhere but work now. and i  have to wear scrubs/shirts.

i like my new body. i am pretty sure i am menopausal. my body feels adult for the first time. i want to lose weight so i can wear all my clothing, but the size doesn’t really bother me.

spent an evening with an old friend (well, i have known them for 10 years, which was a long time when i was 20, perhaps not so much when i am 47…hm) and we talked about their life outlook. they are torn between security and happiness. i learned a lot about them. i was forced into my life change, and it was scary, but i am still standing and i think i would have kept going, because you have to. they think the world is out to get them, because the world is out to get everyone. explains their behavior. it is sad that they are too afraid to take a risk. but i understand them better now. it is nice to feel more connected through understanding. and i even got a thank-you reference a couple days later. it was a very unexpected event. it is a feeling i haven’t felt in a while. is that because of my age? is it because of my buffer zone? is it because of the people i hang out with? (which is not to disparage my friends, they just may not be the intimate type).

there have been two events in my life that scared me about me. the first was when i worked at mcdonalds in santa barbara. i helped a short, pretty, petite woman. she reminded me of me. when she stepped away from the counter she was quite obese in the lower half of her body. for whatever reason i thought to myself, “oh no, that is going to happen to me”. i still sort of fear it. though i have done better than i thought. the second time was an episode of 6-feet under. i woman living in a rented house, dies while eating her microwave dinner and no one finds her for a number of days.  it upset one of the bothers because she was so alone.  she was even a temp worker, changing jobs regularly. she didn’t really have any friends and there was no one to come to her funeral. the brothers went. even though i was married when i saw this, i feared it is what i would become. i still do, sort of. i have a roommate so the cats wouldn’t get a chance to eat me, but, would i still be a “oh, man, heather, yeah, she was cool,” death? i had this fear WAY before becoming a hospice nurse. and even our patients who have little family or friends, we care about them and want to be with them at end-of-life. our volunteers very much want to sit and listen to them. the fear is more after (which is completely irrelevant as do not believe in a consciousness after death). with the yucky feelings i am having at work, these feelings of being separated, fringe, are stronger than normal. not really sure what to do other than just keep getting up and going every day.