Category Archives: Blog

FB knows too

so, this weekend i had some closure that has stopped a loop in my brain. i visited with the “boy who broke my heart” to see how i felt about him. was it getting better? am i getting over the heartache? (also a thing about lust that has to do with a medication i started taking, but that is WAY too complicate to explain). Anyhow…

while it was hard to hear about other women he is trying to forge relationships with, it made things clearer. while hearing, he didn’t like me quite enough to date was a virtual slap in the face (though certainly NOT what he was trying to do, i am just using a metaphor for how it feels, my feelings) it helped clear the path forward.

while i wish you felt about me the way i feel about you, thank you “boy who broke my heart” for being honest and clear. i wish and hope and offer my virtual energy so that you might find the right girl and she treats you as fabulously as you should be.

(thanks for listening, y’all)

i have been thinking about this post for weeks!

so, basically, i started it in june, but have been stewing for almost a month. not in a bad way. in a “hm, but then there is this” way. whatever…

i am refinancing my condo. after 4 years i have some great equity. it is going to relieve some stress in my life. i won’t have to work as much, if i don’t want to. i find i like having days off. i like being surprised by who is still there, gone or back when i come back after 3 days or so. i did apply for a promotion. they have listed a Team Leader for HACH. i think i am the best candidate. i don’t think i am perfect. i do think i will need the support of my boss.  i worry about that support. but i KNOW i can make HACH a better place to work (not sure it can even BE a better place to die, but we’ll make that better too!)

i also like having days off because i fit into ALL my clothing again. so i have all sorts of outfits i want to wear out!

susan (from work) and i went to a haunted hotel/dancehall in Coupeland, TX last weekend. i do not believe in ghosts, but susan does. and i love weird things. we had a WONDERFUL time! i was talking with the pharm tech at CVS today and he likes creepy places too. he seemed to want to say more, but didn’t. so i said, “perhaps susan and i will need a male protector?!” he thought we might. hm.

i made the mistake of going to david’s FB page to see what he has been doing. there was a photo who took of someone in NOLA (that day). that made me SO sad. i even posted on FB about feeling stressed about things. i even mentioned “the boy who broke my heart”. he seems to read most of my stuff (considering the things he “likes”) so he may have seen me reference him. to be clear, not loving me back was fine – that is my own heart’s problem – it was the forgetting me the night of the goth ball that ended it for me.

but, with the medication, i don’t want to have sex (i have thought about this so much i feel like i must have already blogged about it?). which is super bizarre for me. though, emotionally and/or mentally, i don’t really care. i realized tonight that for the first time in my life i want to cuddle instead of have sex. it made me laugh because when patrick and i got married, he wanted to cuddle and i wanted to roll-over and go to sleep! fact is though, i do want a emotional/romantic partner. i just don’t want to have sex. i could probably enjoy having sex, i would just never finish. that causes issues. i don’t need issues like that.

kyle has started a new med for his depression that has made an AMAZING difference. he is a totally different person. he thinks about people other than himself. he has openly helped and supported me a bunch of times lately. he even joined the gym and we go together. he is my platonic husband. we act like a married couple. i really like just being around him. but i don’t want to have sex with him. i simply don’t feel like having sex. part of me wants to ask if he wants to cuddle, but i don’t want to give him the wrong impression or hurt his feelings when i don’t want to do anything more than cuddle.

i work. i sleep. i drink soylent. i read. i go to the gym with kyle. i sew. PopCats is at the end of august. i go see shows. it is a good life. i feel a little weird. everything feels ok. i am doing new weird things with newer friends. while i still love to dress up and look as perfect as possible, i am tired of men responding to me sexually, as a first interaction. my therapist told me i had to take “sex-positive” out of my personal ad on OKC, because men don’t get it. am i doomed? because my clothing fits me perfectly and shows off all the best parts of me, does that mean that is how men are always going to respond to me? life feels balanced and that feels weird. i worry i am missing something. am i missing something? or is this a peaceful feeling i simply haven’t ever achieved before?

this may not sound like a lot of thinking, but it has been. where am i? where is this all going? seems good though i fear a false sense of security. i’ll keep you posted.

some very nice things

i’ve had a few friends send me very nice messages lately. one who empathized with my loneliness, and while realizing being told you are awesome doesn’t make it go away, still told me i was valued. another friend was stressed at a conference but when the presenter reminded her of me, she said she was suddenly comfortable. aren’t those cool?

had a great bookclub. the strange case of the alchemist’s daughter. we always start bookclub with with Ross asking, “So, <bookclub host> why did you pick this book?” funny thing was, i couldn’t remember why i read the book. i picked it for bookclub because i enjoyed it so much. which counts, i suppose. not everyone had time to read it, because it was only like 3 weeks from our last meeting because of my work schedule. those that did really enjoyed it. i was asked if i related with any other the characters. “do any of the fatherly relationships remind me of my dad?” then i told them my ultimate dad story. some already knew, some were shocked.  there was a lot of silence (i am referring to the accidental dick pic incident). and i made my standard comment, hearing things has got to help people understand why i am the way i am.

my boss gave notice. i like holly. i think she is a GREAT nurse. i don’t think she is an effective manager for that environment. i pushed back hard because we needed a leader to help improve our work and work environment. for whatever reason, she wasn’t able to do that. she went back on promises on too many occasions. all of HA mgmt has. a few people have already asked if i will apply for the job. i’d love to be a full-time “charge” nurse. deal with staffing, help with admit/discharge, work on processes, etc. but i am not a good direct people manager (and probably can’t afford the pay cut). i want to help in the best way for me to help. i’ll talk to leanne on friday, i suppose.

planning my new ikea kitchen is challenging. the app lost my updates. i think i just need to wait for the summer sale and go in to get help directly.

tomorrow is a free day. going to lunch, going to get pedicure, going to donate platelets. a day.

my therapist is worried

so, at my last sit down with my therapist she asked how i was. i said lonely. i am sad because i feel lonely. she replied “we’ve got to do something about this. Loneliness kills.” and i replied, “yes, i read that research article too.”

Loneliness and Social Isolation as Risk Factors for Mortality: A Meta-Analytic Review

the problem is several things that build on themselves. i have a lot of monthly payments i have to make. which means i have to work a lot. which means i don’t get a lot of sleep. which means i don’t feel very good. which means i am not enthusiastic about dating. (and i still miss the boy).

it isn’t just dating though. i don’t have any close friends, really. i spend time with and talk with my friend Mathew pretty regularly (he is a regular reader) but he is married. my friend Stacy and i have started to do more things together. (note to self: do NOT forget the winter coat for HMart on saturday). i like some of my coworkers quite a bit. but they are married (or divorcing) with kids. with the recent struggles i have had, i have wanted to call someone. talk about what is happening. but i have no one to call. at least one i feel close to. whom i know values me as i value them. that is why this can’t be a boytoy or a playmate. i am not even sure it could be someone i was sleeping with. yeah, yeah, i have the body of a woman much younger than i am. blah, blah, blah. doesn’t keep me warm at night.

i do still enjoy dressing up though.

it’s late. i am tired. i should go to sleep.

it is getting heavy

the sad are super strong tonight. my refi fell apart for some reason. last week they said all my stuff is fine, this week it isn’t. it would have REALLY taken a lot of pressure off me to refi. now that worry plus the singleness are still heavy.

i have been going out more. went to a book signing with my FAVORITE author, Christopher Moore. he signed “blessings!” in my copy of Lamb.

went to book club tonight. go to see the goths. i like them. they are all married.

work work work. which will have to continue, until i can dig out of this financial position. life. but i’d rather be dating.

suppose to start my cat dress tomorrow with rosie. just want to hide in bed. not enough sleep will happen. i think i may send a note saying i have to start later. must go to bank, then i can sleep a little more. want to get pattern and fabric cut tomorrow. more than that is probably asking for too much frustration.

i was exchanging emails with my psychiatrist about changes in my meds. in my last email i said what i wanted to try. no reply so far.


going to read some romantic female and lead detective story before bed. i think i might start crying again (no this minute, just in general).

new nurse cat tattoo is finished.  and amazing.


i think, as we get older, this is the thing we start to run out of. the thing that makes us panic. it isn’t exactly money we are worried about, it is having enough of it when we need it. time again. being single? time. time is running out not to be single. i had a nice weekend. worked half day on friday, went to The Dinner Party event for 20- and 30-somethings that have lost someone close to them. then i went to a girls night, that was weird. next day to Hmart, had coffee, hung around. went to the store with lucy. i went to the going away party of one of our older, and beloved neighbors. sunday i did laundry, had more coffee, picked up drugs (from the pharmacy). then went to elysium to see my friend Luna who had moved to CO. for her job.  it meant i had 4 hours, max, sleep before work today, but it was totally worth it. reminded ben he needs to find me a boyfriend. but then back to work today. crazy day. so busy. didn’t leave until 9pm.

weird time thought tonight though. i got a new facial soap product and though i do think my skin looks brighter, i am getting pimples (not really hard, painful ones like i did as a teen, just bumps). so i thought to myself: i’ll use the aveeno in the shower (old product) and then new one before bed. but that assumes i have time. i didn’t eat dinner until 10pm tonight. if i had to go to work tomorrow, i wouldn’t have taken the time to wash my face because i would be trying to do the minimum things necessary to get to bed as fast as possible. not enough time. perhaps, if i were a more perfect nurse, i’d have had my charting done at 7:15pm. but i get up and help people a lot and spent 3 hours on something i shouldn’t have had to spend 3 hours on today. which reminds me i am running out of time.

the difficulties of midlife is not money or status, it is time. never having enough time.

(still thought of him today. sheesh.)

ben still hasn’t found me a boyfriend

he says he is working on it. some great songs on the dance floor make it almost possible to not be quite so sad. not feel quite so lonely. i think i need to try harder to get myself to 80s night. Ça Plane Pour Moi made my night. nothing like a little inappropriate french punk to make you feel good. kids today, their music doesn’t have the nihilism 80s New Wave did. ah, the cold war, it was so simple.

still REALLY miss the boy. still think of him every day. still wish he would message me that he’s made a terrible mistake and i am the awesome he is looking for. how long does it take to stop feeling heart hurt?

the sads are strong

yeah, i am sad. and lonely. i suppose this is me getting over the boy. i offered some encouragement after one of his posts (told FB i didn’t want to see them, but whatever…) at the end i reminded him he was awesome and replied “So are you. Some day we’ll find people who fully appreciate it”. ouch. yeah, you HAD someone who fully appreciated it. me. yeah, that hurt. a lot. i composed a reply after a number of days:

“My therapist is trying to teach me to give feedback when I feel hurt. This hurt: “Some day we’ll find people who fully appreciate it.” You had someone who fully appreciated it. Me. Totally understandable that you didn’t feel the same way. Seriously, that is how life goes. Sometimes you connect, sometimes you don’t. I don’t fault you at all (really, really) for not feeling about me the way I feel about you. But to hear you say, “we’ll find people” just hurt very much. I am people. I had wanted to support you when I thought you were sad about trying to reconnect with people. But then I felt sad.

In my fantasies you change your mind and fall madly in love with me. Fantasies being what they are, I think I should go back to the social boundary you talked about earlier. I am not going to pretend you don’t exist, but I am going to try really hard to be more careful with my reflex to automatically try and help people when I think they are sad.”

his reply was somewhat vague. tone is hard online. but man, am i sad now. i went to see OMD on Friday night with, basically, all my friends. i was the single one. it was like flashback high school only i don’t have anyone to share it with. everyone i was there with has a partner. it just made me feel SO sad. i have two tickets to see NIN in Vegas in June. it is the middle of the week. i am definitely going. i fear i am going alone.

yeah, well, i have been trying to find dates online. someone interesting conversations. but none have gone anywhere. work is slow so i can’t distract myself there either (though, today, i did have a family member come up to me in a grocery store and hug me three times). refinancing my condo, taking some cash out to pay some debt. that will make things easier, less stressful. but i did buy a $200 duvet cover with skulls arranged in the shape of hearts.

i’ll keep trying. i am just really sad.


gary numan was right. it’s odd how safe i feel in my car. i am insulted from the world around me, without being out of it.

i took an s-bahn home one night. i was listening to Radiohead (probably pyramid song) on my noise reduction headset. it was quiet except for the music in my ears. i sat at a window and it was beautiful. me, the music and all the people and places i couldn’t hear. i was alone inside of everything. it was wonderful.

i feel like that in my car on the way home from work a lot. doesn’t generally happen if i am just doing errands. but if i am coming home from something, a show, a movie, something that is the end of my day and i am going home to sleep, it is perfect. all these things going on around me. but with me, it is only me, the music and my car. it feels great. it is a really wonderful peace.

that would be nice to have in other places. but, would it ruin the specialness of it? or is that meditation. i’d just like to drive around in my car more and feel safe. thanks gary.

i started this post and then stopped for some reason…

(what was already written)

yeah, i have just been really sad lately. just not a lot of happy things in my life. boy problems. roommate problems. working too much. tummy PROBLEMS!

i talked with my psychiatrist today (was awhile ago now). we are going to split one of my meds between 12 hrs and he told me about another type of therapy: dialectical behavioral therapy. the med change is because of my tummy (see previous post about BRAT diet). DBT, he believes, will help me learn to deal with people that REALLY annoy me and the like. i tried it. it felt like finding coping mechanisms for not dealing with it, to not be annoyed, but not to fix anything. yeah, i am not the cover it up and distract myself type. i want to work things out. also, the others in the group, i could not relate at all. they had children. their problems are SO different than mine. we had to keep a journal of sorts. we gave numbers, 1-5, 5 being the worst, on feelings like anger, empty/alone, frustration, physically bad. there were 12 and a “fill it in” item (i always wrote “tired and it was always 5). we were also suppose to fill out something about what happened each day. something good, or significant. anyhow, she would take a quick look and then ask what “skills” i used in the last week. anyhow…it was not feeling right.

i went to my therapist and she didn’t think it was right for me either. apparently my psychiatrist uses that therapy a lot. anyhow. i cried at my therapists a lot. i split with the boy (more on that below). my roommate is a great roommate but not a very good friend. i work VERY hard at work. i do it to make things better for the patients, ultimately. i enjoy the organization. and i work with at least one REALLY unpleasant coworker. my boss is so anti-confrontational that things don’t get fixed. the doctors suck. she says i need less flakey people in my life. but i don’t know how to do that. i think this next week we are going to talk about that.

the boy. well, we were suppose to meet after the goth ball. i had a wonderful outfit. (i will try and start posting more outfits. i have a lot, actually). we had talked earlier in the week. he said he had a movie during the day, but we could meet after the ball. i always knew that i came second. his “friends” (the people he works with) come first. but, i hadn’t heard from him all day. at midnight i texted that the ball was lovely. he replied that he was glad. he was at an impromptu, belated game night/birthday party at a coworker’s house (the brother of the coworker he is obsessed with). and that, was it. he forgot me. all he had to do was text me that he got invited out and wouldn’t get home until well after the ball.  that’s it. i would have been fine with that. but he didn’t. ***I*** had to text him to find out he wouldn’t be available. i can’t except that. i will not allow myself to be disrespected in that way. and when i did message him later that night, i told him he had hurt me the worst possible way, he forgot me.

i was going to tell him on thursday when were to next hang out, but i didn’t get out of the office until really late and it was a VERY emotional day. so, the next day, i left a card on his front door. it said i had wanted to do this in person the previous night, but the day was too much. i said, “i am done. i can’t do this anymore. i am going to miss you SO much.” (it was a halloween card too). amusingly, he came home early from work because he went to the eye doctor. he messaged me on FB. said he understood. i told him i was VERY happy to help him organize/redecorate. he replied that he was sorry he couldn’t offer me what i have been offering him (the boy needs to see a therapist BADLY). i told him i would be happy to go to dinner or have coffee, but that he had to ask me. his reply was, “OK. We should probably wait a while to rebuild some distance. You know I suck at keeping safe boundaries.” which is funny, because it suggests he would obsess over me like the girl at work. or something. i don’t know. but it HURTS. he is really the first boy i ever WANTED to date. i loved being married, but let’s be honest, it happened by accident. after marriage was playmates that got out of hand, but him, David, is someone i looked at and really wanted to be a partner with.

and i know this happens everyday, to all sorts of people. but i wish, my firs time out, i might have had some luck finding someone that wanted to date me back. that was Feb 26th. so far, no days without thinking about him. wishing he would see the error of his ways and how awesome we could be. but i am trying to work through that. that will DEFINITELY be something that i talk to my therapist about next week.

yeah, i have been sad. but i am trying to find good people to be with instead.