felt weird calling it relationships. so, i was listening to Hidden Brain while working on my bookcase project and it was an episode on marriage. they talked about how marriage used to be about combining assets and how “bakers married bakers because you needed help from someone who knew the business”. and then there was the notion of marrying for love. (there as a part about how men were the first time be about love matches because they could marry down but women still had to marry for class. whatever). when they started talking about marrying for love they talked about how divorce has gone up over time and that what you really need to do is find someone that has the same values as you (sort of). and not just “everyone in the world should get the chance at a good education, let’s support organizations that strive for that” kind of values but what one values in a relationship. there was a period where the idea was you love match would fulfill everything for you. they are your other half. but it turns out this is asking a bit much. that you need to diversify where you get your needs met. i like that idea. but how do you decide which needs you need met from your partner and which needs you need to get somewhere else? i agree, a marriage cannot be everything, but how do you know what you need it to be? if you aren’t going to subscribe to the “my partner is my best friend” relationship, how do you decide what needs being met by your partner are the ones that make it “a marriage”? i think everyone has things that they must get from their spouse/partner, but how are you sure those are the ones and how do you find someone that will meet them? and won’t they change over time?
the most important relationship thing to be is being remembered. sometimes that is literally remembering me, that we had plans, that you are supposed to pick me up. but it is also remembering that i was going to give that presentation or talk with my boss and asking me about it before i have to bring it up. it means you remember what is going on in my life and want to know how it is going. that you are actively interested in how i am doing. if you want to stab me in the heart say something like “oh, you had a talk with your boss? why?” when we had already talked about it and i had expressed how important or worried or excited i was about it. if you want to warm my heart, ask how i am doing on the covid unit, that you know i wanted to learn the skills to support that level of care and now that i have been doing it for a while how did i feel about it.
but there must be more that i want out of a relationship, right? i don’t need to live with someone (i am still convinced patrick and i would still be married if we lived next-door to each other instead of in the same space). i don’t need to see someone everyday. i don’t need to talk to them everyday but would like frequent reminders they are thinking about me, remembering me. i’d REALLY like to enjoy the same bands but that isn’t a show stopper. it would just make socializing nicer. i’d like someone that would feed me. lucy fed me. that was how she showed she cared about me. that was why i gained so much weight after she died. i ate everything in sight because that was a symbol of what i had lost when she died. that expression of caring. being i am so bad at feeding myself this would be a great symbol of love for me.
i don’t need financial support but i would like someone to talk me down when i want to spend money i don’t need to or shouldn’t. i wish patrick had done that. but i am sure he was afraid to. and it would probably have taken some getting used to on my part, but it would have been good for me and the relationship i think.
what about general emotional heavy lifting? like, supporting you through grief? or when losing a job? or when you have a fight with a friend and you are sad? or when you crash your car? what about sickness? there is a model about serious illness where “complaining” or coping is circles of relationships and you can only complain out, you cannot complain in (the sick person is the center, they can complain/express difficulty in coping to anyone else, next circle is partner, and they cannot complain to the sick person but they can to anyone in the other circles. make sense? i am a strong believer in this model). is that something that your partner MUST be willing to do? so, you get a cancer diagnosis, and your partner isn’t good at dealing with stuff like that, is that ok? this sort of example makes me feel there are some things that all partners must be able to provide. right? there must be others.
everyone knows monogamy isn’t that important to me. but i respect it if my partner wants it (assuming my sexual needs are being met in that monogamous relationship). i think it is fun to share experience stories like two teenage girls after they kiss their first boy. patrick and i would giggle. he briefly dated someone he said had the tiniest nipples he had ever seen. it sounded adorable and i loved hearing about it! i almost feel that if you are poly and are uncomfortable talking about it, there is a problem with jealousy. of course, i can understand if someone might have a hard time comparing themselves to their partner’s playmate and that might be hard. i am just confident that my partner isn’t going to leave me because they have sex with someone else. also, i know i cannot be everything my partner wants sexually (though i always try very hard!) so if my partner finds some special satisfaction with a playmate, i am fine with that. just don’t forget me.
what else is there? i feel like i must be missing tons of stuff. of course, it is 2:45am. but i slept until almost 2 today so i should be fine. sorry, all the ideas have left my head at this point. i will try and post about them when they pop into my head.
ever wonder what i eat at work being i have a hard time feeding myself and i work nightshift so the cafeteria isn’t open? this is what i have every shift (seriously, i have been doing this for months):
-small caprese salad
-apples and extra chunky peanut butter
-a quarter of a baguette which i use to make a little sandwich with my tunafish
-a frozen meal (lots of my comfort food Amy’s Broccoli and Cheddar Bake but also Saffron road curries)
-cut up fruit (going through a watermelon period)
sometimes i bring left-overs (usually chinese) and they feed us at the office a lot these days (we have more covid pts in texas now than we ever have. and they are sicker). the office bought me BBQ for my birthday (yes, i worked my birthday. it is a pandemic, it was a tuesday and my playmate is out of town). but mostly i eat those items listed above. every shift. i figure it is pretty good for me. maybe too much cheese. anyhow, that is what i eat at work. (oh! and i make all my lunches the night before my first shift when i stay up as late as i can to flip my sleep schedule. yep, still highly organized!)
i have forgotten the pain of remodeling my master bath so i am now remodeling Lucy’s bathroom (i think she would love what i am doing). i ripped out the vanity. it was very satisfying.
i think this explains it well
this is what i do when my hair is a mess. i put together a super cute outfit with a hair turban. what dirty hair?!
have i posted my platelet donation outfit? you get cold donating platelets because they chill the blood when they separate the platelets. that is cold blood going right into your vein! anyhow, i found these super cute leggings on etsy. problem is, i live in texas. who can wear thick polyester leggings in texas? platelet donation solved that problem!
1 thought on “deep thoughts”
Here’s my advice about marriage: never trust any advice about marriage, because every marriage is different. Everyone either has only experience with one or at most two marriages from the inside, which means they don’t have enough data, or they have experience with lots of marriages from the inside, in which case their advice is probably not that good anyway. So, all advice about marriage is suspect.
I find it implausible that it was ever true that men could marry down but women did not, because that would result in a lot of unmarried lower class men, and unmarried upper class women. I could believe the latter, although I don’t know of any society that was ever like that, and the former has happened but results in widespread violence because lower class, frustrated, young men have a marked tendency that way. I think they just didn’t talk about the cases where the woman married down, because it didn’t fit the social ideal.
Someday we will kidnap you and hold you hostage in our house for a few months so that all of the bathrooms will get awesome renovations. Just kidding.