i want to say i feel better financially but that is just asking for trouble. they are building apartments on the property next to HACH. our bosses didn’t start dealing with it early enough, but i will also say the solutions they have tried to put into place have fallen apart, through no fault of their own. BUT, because demolition and construction is so loud, we may have to reduce the number of rooms we make available. which means less staff. which means not working full-time. but nothing is final. not even the dates. which is SUPER stressful. i had a minor panic attack at work last week. we take care of the dying, how can management treat us like this? yes, their revenue would be down with fewer rooms, but HACH is a special place and to just toss the staff into such employment and financial chaos is just cruel and unusual punishment. so, meh.

i continue to enjoy life things. today i shipped some fluevogs to another cult…i mean fluevog fan, went to the grocery store, bought a zester for the lemon cookies i plan to make tomorrow, increased my 401K election, blogged, made appointments. so many life things. and it makes me feel normal. i realize that sounds odd, but keeping a household, not running around dealing with abnormal life events feels good. i don’t even find it boring.

i already received my tax return.

i get a notice from Bumble (a girl messages first dating site) when someone swipes right on me. since the new year, a LOT of men have swiped right on me. and i would like to date, but it takes SO much energy. i feel like this is something i need to talk to my grief therapist about. from aspects of my childhood, to my marriage ending to losing Lucy, i feel such sadness about connecting to others. i don’t think it is a lack of trust (though, i definitely have trust issues) it is an accumulation of disappointment and sense of failure. it isn’t a sense of “why bother” but “it is so hard, am i any good at it?” i have some friends that have these beautiful parties. they are a happy looking couple, with a beautiful home and a lot of my other happy looking, beautiful couples attend (i say “happy looking” because patrick and i were happy looking but not, so you cannot assume all is fine). and i just cannot get myself to go. it makes me feel SO lonely and sad. talk about odd-man-out. i’d like to be in the beautiful couple club, but, but, i am not sure, but it seems really hard whatever it is.

i am going try a sensory deprivation tank tonight. i have never been really good with quiet. though i am more now that i am a nurse. this is silence (though you can listen to music too) and warmth and floating. i am wondering if this will be as relaxing as a massage or therapeutic as talk therapy. it isn’t cheap (got a discounted introductory price) so it isn’t something i could do every week or anything. but perhaps it will be reassuring. i could use reassuring.

tomorrow i shall be a domestic goddess. baking and sewing projects planned (lemon cookies and a new cat dress). been good about going to the gym in the last week. bought a new pair of fluevogs and invited people to meet them by going out to dinner. it was a lovely evening with friends. i have a big organization project next week (because this week is my 5-in-a-row). plan on helping a few other people too. life is full. i probably still sit at home and read too much

blueberry cookies with cream cheese, (a smidge of) powdered sugar and blueberry preserves filling. they were yummy.

goal for next year’s birthday breakfast tacos in the cemetery. bouncy house.