*insert title here*

the end of the year has been pretty good. i still cry if i start to talk about Obi Wan but i have managed not to think of her so often.

i worked thanksgiving and christmas as i have the last number of years. there has been a pay debacle so i am not doing that again. i always offered because i don’t have kids. but not if it isn’t appreciated. i did make 4 pies for thanksgiving and 5 for xmas. we have a chef who has SUPER food allergies. she is on an AutoImmune Protocol. but she makes yummy stuff for us all the time. she just cannot eat it too. so she and i found some recipes and i made her an AIP cherry pie with AIP crust. she said it was delicious. i basically ate a pumpkin pie all on my own like i normally do.

working hospice at the holidays tends to be a nice experience. while the therapy miniature ponies did not arrive this year, patients and families tend to be warm and inviting. everyone enjoys sharing the food and the time. we nurses disconnect from patients and families a lot of the time to bond together. of course, the minute a pt or family needs anything, we are completely connected to them again. but the cliche little family is quite nice.

i read entirely too many books last year. i say that because it means i stayed at home reading too much. i am going to at least try and read other places this year. perhaps even a library? i am sad to be single but i suppose that is just as much my failure as anything. i get to start seeing my grief therapist again next week. it feels weird to say, but i am excited! it felt good going to see her. not just Lucy, but loss throughout my whole life. loss of parts of my life. while, again, i made the decision to read all these books at home alone, i hope in feeling better with speaking to her, i will be more open to more connections.

one funny thing that has changed about me lately. perhaps this is lucy. perhaps it is coming out of depression (at least i think i am. i feel better.) i get easily overwhelmed by loud and/or boisterous people. mansplaining has gotten much harder to tolerate. and not in the “i am not listening to this bullshit anymore” way. in the, i feel beat down way. i have always been one of those people who had no problem speaking up equally. to telling a man he is mansplaining. but i don’t have the energy for it right now. i would say that is a good thing, why fight an unnecessary fight. but the feeling i get in these moments is of being overwhelmed. why must they be so loud and oblivious? as i think about it, every person i have every met probably thought the same thing about me. i appreciate you all not being so overwhelmed by me as to still be my friend. but it is really all more than that. it is SUCH a strong feeling. i want to shrink so no one sees me in these moments. i wince when they hit a high pitch. i have started to avoid these people. is this because i am finally acting on something that i innately know is good for me but have failed to do in the past? or is this another sign of being 50, feeling older, fearing the future, my job, the recent (and not so recent) losses in my life? i like it and i don’t.

my hair stated going grey in the front in july. wtf? was it in anticipation of turning 50? i had an abnormal mammogram in november. i kept thinking how happy i was to have made it to 50 intact. then this fear started to grow in me. i have always had a “too good to be true” streak. but it ended up just being dense tissue (which is a good thing). i have this other weird feeling. well, probably not weird but certainly unhealthy. i feel a lack of time. i have all these clothes i want to make. sewing skills i want to acquire. things i want to bake. raclette i want to host. trips with my new luggage i want to take. but i feel like i am too old. not too old to do these things, but too old to get to do enough of them. i will never be able to retire. i cannot afford it. and at some point i won’t be able to work as much so i won’t be able to afford as much. so i feel this pressure to do it all now. if only that rich uncle that patrick and i made up were real! we had this elaborate story of an unknown very wealthy, very mean and horrible but having lived a life he enjoyed, uncle, dying, at a ripe old age, and leaving us a large inheritance. so we didn’t have to worry about money. it would be in the form of a trust that only allowed for home and food costs. so we didn’t have to worry about that. it was a strangely elaborate story that just got bigger and bigger.

gandalf and snape are fine. snape only chewed on the gothmas tree to annoy me (and then ended uo throwing up the plastic bristles). i have two more lights to fix up under my kitchen cabinets. it makes a world of difference while baking at night. this year i hope to work only 1 extra day per pay period. i am still not in a position to cover all of lucy’s rent. and work is weird because we are having to move and management has no idea what is going to happen. looks like a PRN job for me soon. had my first raclette soiree last night. it went well considering i was coming off 13 hours at work. but i still look cute!

but, things are things and they don’t feel as emotional as they used to. is that age or medication?

well, that is enough of that.

i am ready for a holiday

oh gothmas tree, oh gothmas tree! how ever dark your branches!
my first american raclette. i am proud of myself.

2 thoughts on “*insert title here*

  1. It is normal that a person who, at age 25, had a bajillion friends, at 50 will spend most of their time with a much smaller number (hopefully the subset which you like best). It’s also normal to not have the energy to fight every pointless battle with someone who’s clueless and going to remain that way even when rebuked. That thought process about a finite amount of time left, is called “wisdom”, and it’s a good thing (since it was always true, but now one is more aware of it).

    You’re doing great! By the way, I use coffeeshops for reading, in part to avoid the feeling of being isolated. Of course, you may have unwanted company at coffeeshops more often than I do, but a book helps with that. A female co-worker of mine once told me that if you are reading a book about how to convert to Catholicism, no one would even make eye contact with you, so maybe you can just get a dustcover to put over whatever you’re actually reading?

  2. You do look great!! It’s been a long time, but I still have a grateful heart for you!! Loss is hard and aging sucks!! Luggage is cute (even though I don’t like polka dots)! Keep trudging my friend!

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