april cannot come soon enough

april is when i see my new psychiatrist. my old one fired me. wtf?

this what my brain is doing to me these days. not even vaguely hiding things in symbolism. this is why i am afraid:

my most recent dream this morning. i was at work, my boss wouldn’t help a certain pt family member find a place to eat. i walked them out to a mall but got lost on my way back. i was only wrapped in a comforter (plus underwear) and there was a mountain lion and a mountain lion cub sleeping on it. no one wanted to help me because of the mountain lion and i was a nearly naked women walking around wrapped in a comforter. this was all happening in germany. i finally found a cop, but when i went to ask where there hotel i was staying at was, i couldn’t remember the german word for hotel.

i am not ok.

my dream means: i feel disconnected, i am unable to articulate when talking to people about what i need and something about me (something vicious or angry) keeps people away from me. the nudity means that i have gained all the weight back i lost for my 30th high school reunion and none of my clothing fits (again).

lucy and i made sure the other person got up every day and kept going. now i am alone in this. if people ask how i am, what do i say? i am struggling. how can they help me? i have no idea. seriously, none. one thing i have always done is keep going. it is just so much harder now after having had someone to help. i’ll keep trying. i do not know what else to do. i adore the offers to listen. i have no idea what else to say.

1 thought on “april cannot come soon enough

  1. You are talking about it, which is good. You will figure out what to ask for eventually. In the meantime, you have friends who want to help, who will help once they figure out how. You are tough and strong, and smart, so you will figure out what to ask for, and then you will have friends who find a way to provide it because you are funny and nice, so people will want to help.

    In the meantime, I’m sure it is frustrating to not be sure what to do to make things better. I am tempted to make a dumb joke like saying that making fruit pies for your friends who like pie is what will help, but I will attempt not to make a dumb joke about a friend’s pain (whoops, I failed, well…). But, we should have dinner together sometime soon, not that it will help but why not?

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