april is when i see my new psychiatrist. my old one fired me. wtf?

this what my brain is doing to me these days. not even vaguely hiding things in symbolism. this is why i am afraid:

my most recent dream this morning. i was at work, my boss wouldn’t help a certain pt family member find a place to eat. i walked them out to a mall but got lost on my way back. i was only wrapped in a comforter (plus underwear) and there was a mountain lion and a mountain lion cub sleeping on it. no one wanted to help me because of the mountain lion and i was a nearly naked women walking around wrapped in a comforter. this was all happening in germany. i finally found a cop, but when i went to ask where there hotel i was staying at was, i couldn’t remember the german word for hotel.

i am not ok.

my dream means: i feel disconnected, i am unable to articulate when talking to people about what i need and something about me (something vicious or angry) keeps people away from me. the nudity means that i have gained all the weight back i lost for my 30th high school reunion and none of my clothing fits (again).

lucy and i made sure the other person got up every day and kept going. now i am alone in this. if people ask how i am, what do i say? i am struggling. how can they help me? i have no idea. seriously, none. one thing i have always done is keep going. it is just so much harder now after having had someone to help. i’ll keep trying. i do not know what else to do. i adore the offers to listen. i have no idea what else to say.