Monthly Archives: February 2019

april cannot come soon enough

april is when i see my new psychiatrist. my old one fired me. wtf?

this what my brain is doing to me these days. not even vaguely hiding things in symbolism. this is why i am afraid:

my most recent dream this morning. i was at work, my boss wouldn’t help a certain pt family member find a place to eat. i walked them out to a mall but got lost on my way back. i was only wrapped in a comforter (plus underwear) and there was a mountain lion and a mountain lion cub sleeping on it. no one wanted to help me because of the mountain lion and i was a nearly naked women walking around wrapped in a comforter. this was all happening in germany. i finally found a cop, but when i went to ask where there hotel i was staying at was, i couldn’t remember the german word for hotel.

i am not ok.

my dream means: i feel disconnected, i am unable to articulate when talking to people about what i need and something about me (something vicious or angry) keeps people away from me. the nudity means that i have gained all the weight back i lost for my 30th high school reunion and none of my clothing fits (again).

lucy and i made sure the other person got up every day and kept going. now i am alone in this. if people ask how i am, what do i say? i am struggling. how can they help me? i have no idea. seriously, none. one thing i have always done is keep going. it is just so much harder now after having had someone to help. i’ll keep trying. i do not know what else to do. i adore the offers to listen. i have no idea what else to say.


if i were to go back and read all my old posts (many of which are no longer up, i need to fix that), i bet most of them are complaining. i bet most of them are about fear. or hurt. sure, part of my not-secret blog is that it is easier to write it than say it to someone (sometimes i read my blogs to my therapist because it is easier to get it out that way). but there are many awesome things. honestly, my life is pretty rad.

i have great friends and lots to do. places to go. experiences to have.

but i also feel so very lonely. it is really bad. my medication isn’t working anymore. i had hoped someday i would be able to stop taking anti-depressants, but maybe not. certainly not now. my psychiatrist fired me recently, i wrote him the meds weren’t working and i could not handle the side effects of one of the meds anymore. he said i should find someone with more similar treatment goals. what the hell? is the goal that i feel better? whatever, i see my new doc in April. which sucks, but oh well.

as i was saying, i figured something out today. i had been messaging with boytoy earlier (he is doing VERY well!) and i talked about being sad about Lucy. about what i lost when she died. all i have been able to say until now is, “we took care of each other”. but that isn’t quite it. today i realized what it is exactly. we made sure the other person kept going. now, Lucy’s family and friends might say “Lucy didn’t need help with that”, but i think we all do. and Lucy told me once, after she finally got a great job she kicked-ass in, that she couldn’t have done it without me. eh, Lucy was pretty awesome strong and resilient, but i think i know what she meant.

Lucy fed me. everyone knows how bad i am at feeding myself. always have been. Lucy made sure i kept going by taking away one of the most difficult things for me in life… feeding myself (i do not want to go into what this means exactly if you don’t already know the story. if you want to know the story, ask me in person next time you see me, happy to share.) eating is essential! eating well, regularly means life is better. all the studies say that! dinner was the only time my family got together regularly. it meant togetherness. now that i am Lucy-less and single, the reality of me taking care of me is painfully bright. i have GREAT friends! i have amazing things in my life! but someone used to feed me too. someone made sure i kept going. there is only me to make sure i keep going now. that is a lot of energy. that is something i liked sharing with Lucy. i’d like to share that with someone.

so, being single is even worse now. i turn 50 in august. the number doesn’t really bother me (other than i wish i were younger so i could do more nurse things before i die). i know that studies have shown sadness and feelings of emptiness and worthlessness peak in ones 40s, and then things go up from here. it isn’t that i feel worthless, i am awesome, but i feel lonely. and i know that it common, typical, normal at my age. my brain knows things will go up from here. and everyone knows my brain is still in charge (even if, perhaps, i should try and feel more). this will get better, i know it will. right now, though, all i want to do is sleep and i have gained back every pound i lost since my 30th high school reunion. food and loneliness.

for those of you that don’t ever get to see me in person, this is what i look like these days (ax throwing bday party!) (mod cloth skirt, death cafe t-shirt made for my by coworker Jade, black bartoli boot fluevogs (not shown); “Rock me like a Hurricane” – Scorpions)