my roommate died Sept 13th. lucy called 911 at 7am. i was told her heart stopped when they transferred her to the gurney. they worked on her for an hour. couldn’t bring her back.

we had these rituals that are gone. the night before we had a perfectly normal conversation. no indication she was having health issues other than she had “heart burn”. could be a cardiac sign for a woman (women generally don’t have the tv classic, left arm pain, truck sitting on your chest like men do. that is why women die of heart attacks at a greater rate, the signs are misinterpreted).

i was the first they called because i was the first person they could find. please put an emergency contact in your wallet. mine says lucy. i need to change that.

family came. we celebrated her. they cleaned out her room. i listened to them find things that she had kept and reminisce about her, and them, and their lives.

i find myself saying “silly lucy” when i think of something i want to share. the night before was SO normal, that it still seems like she could walk back in. we just remodeled our kitchen!

i went in and held her hand at the hospital. she was wearing cute underwear. (i saw them when i lifted the sheet to hold her hand. women will understand why this is important)

she was the perfect roommate. we had already started planning our house warming part. we were going to make goth tapas! (and when i say we, i mean lucy. i would make dessert).

my friends are bringing me food because they are afraid i will starve to death. just like when patrick and i split. i really love being taken care of like this. it feels good. it feels like a big family. a place where i have people supporting me. maybe that place has existed before, but i really feel it now.

i may understand that death is not personal. but my patients are sick. lucy was perfectly normal the night before. sudden death is the worst. it makes no sense. when i die, i want a 6-month cancer. doesn’t drag it out, but people get to process it before i am gone.

man, i miss lucy.