my brain hates me

i have had 3 dreams (in like the last 4 days)¬†of patrick “betraying” me. while i did not want to get divorced, patrick never betrayed me. all the dreams have him being with other women. and it hurts SO BADLY. the dream is emotionally painful. i want them to stop.

they are about the boy (david). he betrayed me the night he forgot about me.

they are about people i thought were my friends. i found out a coworker applied for the team lead position but hasn’t told me. why would she do that? i told her i was applying. this is a rift i don’t think i I can forgive. i don’t hate her. but i don’t respect her anymore.

they are about my boss. we certainly do NOT betray our patients. despite everything, our patients get a level of care of have never seen in healthcare (before or after i entered the field myself.) but i think mgmt betrays us. they say all sorts of things. but nothing changes. no one who works on the floor is held accountable. messages are sent with no sense the meaning or rules will be enforced.

so what do i do about this? i don’t have another appointment set with my therapist. we both thought i had found some footing. she commented “you say ‘whatever’ a lot more” (i think implied in that she saw i felt it too). i am not even sure this is a “big” issue. it is obviously very meaningful, but is it some deep seated, life long misery? i don’t think so. at least not one i haven’t come to understand and learned to live with. i have a number of friends that say you can’t trust anyone. i don’t want to live in that world. i also don’t want to take care of any patients except the dying. how do i find this new balance? or is it just a bunch of stuff at once and will mellow out?

my refi is complete. my financial position is far more solid. i don’t HAVE to work a lot of extra hours. don’t really want to either. i want to pass the CHPN (certified hospice and palliative care nurse). i get $1/hr more for that. that’s another ~$150/month. but you have to sign up 2-months before you take it yet pay $400 it costs to take the test at that time. i’ll need some extra hours for that.

PopCats in 2 weeks. new kitchen the week after. lots happening. now if my brain would just stop being such as asshole.

2 thoughts on “my brain hates me

  1. From what I’ve read and know about, dreams are mostly your brain moving stuff around and rewiring, which it does while you’re knocked out for much the same reason that we turn anything off before we work on it, or update the computer’s OS when it’s being turned off or just being turned on.

    In other words, while I don’t want to deny your experience, it might be a mistake to attribute too much meaning. It could even be that the things you’re seeing and feeling while dreaming are surfaced because they’re being disconnected, deleted, or otherwise removed. So, perhaps your subconscious knows what it’s doing, and since you’re getting a lot of other great things done in the waking world, one could choose to concentrate on that.

  2. From my point of few when nasty thoughts or dreams come into my life I believe that the adversary is not happy that I am happy or at peace so he stirs the pot. I usually notice it when life all of a sudden gets hard and I say “why is life so hard” I then say “oh I know.” And then I address the adversary directly and tell him/her to get out of my life and my house. Nine times out of ten that works for me. If you do believe that there is an adversary and that there is also an advocate, then this might work for you. Love you Heather, you are an incredible person and give so much of yourself to others.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.