Monthly Archives: August 2018

my brain hates me

i have had 3 dreams (in like the last 4 days)¬†of patrick “betraying” me. while i did not want to get divorced, patrick never betrayed me. all the dreams have him being with other women. and it hurts SO BADLY. the dream is emotionally painful. i want them to stop.

they are about the boy (david). he betrayed me the night he forgot about me.

they are about people i thought were my friends. i found out a coworker applied for the team lead position but hasn’t told me. why would she do that? i told her i was applying. this is a rift i don’t think i I can forgive. i don’t hate her. but i don’t respect her anymore.

they are about my boss. we certainly do NOT betray our patients. despite everything, our patients get a level of care of have never seen in healthcare (before or after i entered the field myself.) but i think mgmt betrays us. they say all sorts of things. but nothing changes. no one who works on the floor is held accountable. messages are sent with no sense the meaning or rules will be enforced.

so what do i do about this? i don’t have another appointment set with my therapist. we both thought i had found some footing. she commented “you say ‘whatever’ a lot more” (i think implied in that she saw i felt it too). i am not even sure this is a “big” issue. it is obviously very meaningful, but is it some deep seated, life long misery? i don’t think so. at least not one i haven’t come to understand and learned to live with. i have a number of friends that say you can’t trust anyone. i don’t want to live in that world. i also don’t want to take care of any patients except the dying. how do i find this new balance? or is it just a bunch of stuff at once and will mellow out?

my refi is complete. my financial position is far more solid. i don’t HAVE to work a lot of extra hours. don’t really want to either. i want to pass the CHPN (certified hospice and palliative care nurse). i get $1/hr more for that. that’s another ~$150/month. but you have to sign up 2-months before you take it yet pay $400 it costs to take the test at that time. i’ll need some extra hours for that.

PopCats in 2 weeks. new kitchen the week after. lots happening. now if my brain would just stop being such as asshole.

FB knows too

so, this weekend i had some closure that has stopped a loop in my brain. i visited with the “boy who broke my heart” to see how i felt about him. was it getting better? am i getting over the heartache? (also a thing about lust that has to do with a medication i started taking, but that is WAY too complicate to explain). Anyhow…

while it was hard to hear about other women he is trying to forge relationships with, it made things clearer. while hearing, he didn’t like me quite enough to date was a virtual slap in the face (though certainly NOT what he was trying to do, i am just using a metaphor for how it feels, my feelings) it helped clear the path forward.

while i wish you felt about me the way i feel about you, thank you “boy who broke my heart” for being honest and clear. i wish and hope and offer my virtual energy so that you might find the right girl and she treats you as fabulously as you should be.

(thanks for listening, y’all)