i have been thinking about this post for weeks!

so, basically, i started it in june, but have been stewing for almost a month. not in a bad way. in a “hm, but then there is this” way. whatever…

i am refinancing my condo. after 4 years i have some great equity. it is going to relieve some stress in my life. i won’t have to work as much, if i don’t want to. i find i like having days off. i like being surprised by who is still there, gone or back when i come back after 3 days or so. i did apply for a promotion. they have listed a Team Leader for HACH. i think i am the best candidate. i don’t think i am perfect. i do think i will need the support of my boss.  i worry about that support. but i KNOW i can make HACH a better place to work (not sure it can even BE a better place to die, but we’ll make that better too!)

i also like having days off because i fit into ALL my clothing again. so i have all sorts of outfits i want to wear out!

susan (from work) and i went to a haunted hotel/dancehall in Coupeland, TX last weekend. i do not believe in ghosts, but susan does. and i love weird things. we had a WONDERFUL time! i was talking with the pharm tech at CVS today and he likes creepy places too. he seemed to want to say more, but didn’t. so i said, “perhaps susan and i will need a male protector?!” he thought we might. hm.

i made the mistake of going to david’s FB page to see what he has been doing. there was a photo who took of someone in NOLA (that day). that made me SO sad. i even posted on FB about feeling stressed about things. i even mentioned “the boy who broke my heart”. he seems to read most of my stuff (considering the things he “likes”) so he may have seen me reference him. to be clear, not loving me back was fine – that is my own heart’s problem – it was the forgetting me the night of the goth ball that ended it for me.

but, with the medication, i don’t want to have sex (i have thought about this so much i feel like i must have already blogged about it?). which is super bizarre for me. though, emotionally and/or mentally, i don’t really care. i realized tonight that for the first time in my life i want to cuddle instead of have sex. it made me laugh because when patrick and i got married, he wanted to cuddle and i wanted to roll-over and go to sleep! fact is though, i do want a emotional/romantic partner. i just don’t want to have sex. i could probably enjoy having sex, i would just never finish. that causes issues. i don’t need issues like that.

kyle has started a new med for his depression that has made an AMAZING difference. he is a totally different person. he thinks about people other than himself. he has openly helped and supported me a bunch of times lately. he even joined the gym and we go together. he is my platonic husband. we act like a married couple. i really like just being around him. but i don’t want to have sex with him. i simply don’t feel like having sex. part of me wants to ask if he wants to cuddle, but i don’t want to give him the wrong impression or hurt his feelings when i don’t want to do anything more than cuddle.

i work. i sleep. i drink soylent. i read. i go to the gym with kyle. i sew. PopCats is at the end of august. i go see shows. it is a good life. i feel a little weird. everything feels ok. i am doing new weird things with newer friends. while i still love to dress up and look as perfect as possible, i am tired of men responding to me sexually, as a first interaction. my therapist told me i had to take “sex-positive” out of my personal ad on OKC, because men don’t get it. am i doomed? because my clothing fits me perfectly and shows off all the best parts of me, does that mean that is how men are always going to respond to me? life feels balanced and that feels weird. i worry i am missing something. am i missing something? or is this a peaceful feeling i simply haven’t ever achieved before?

this may not sound like a lot of thinking, but it has been. where am i? where is this all going? seems good though i fear a false sense of security. i’ll keep you posted.

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