Monthly Archives: May 2018

some very nice things

i’ve had a few friends send me very nice messages lately. one who empathized with my loneliness, and while realizing being told you are awesome doesn’t make it go away, still told me i was valued. another friend was stressed at a conference but when the presenter reminded her of me, she said she was suddenly comfortable. aren’t those cool?

had a great bookclub. the strange case of the alchemist’s daughter. we always start bookclub with with Ross asking, “So, <bookclub host> why did you pick this book?” funny thing was, i couldn’t remember why i read the book. i picked it for bookclub because i enjoyed it so much. which counts, i suppose. not everyone had time to read it, because it was only like 3 weeks from our last meeting because of my work schedule. those that did really enjoyed it. i was asked if i related with any other the characters. “do any of the fatherly relationships remind me of my dad?” then i told them my ultimate dad story. some already knew, some were shocked. ┬áthere was a lot of silence (i am referring to the accidental dick pic incident). and i made my standard comment, hearing things has got to help people understand why i am the way i am.

my boss gave notice. i like holly. i think she is a GREAT nurse. i don’t think she is an effective manager for that environment. i pushed back hard because we needed a leader to help improve our work and work environment. for whatever reason, she wasn’t able to do that. she went back on promises on too many occasions. all of HA mgmt has. a few people have already asked if i will apply for the job. i’d love to be a full-time “charge” nurse. deal with staffing, help with admit/discharge, work on processes, etc. but i am not a good direct people manager (and probably can’t afford the pay cut). i want to help in the best way for me to help. i’ll talk to leanne on friday, i suppose.

planning my new ikea kitchen is challenging. the app lost my updates. i think i just need to wait for the summer sale and go in to get help directly.

tomorrow is a free day. going to lunch, going to get pedicure, going to donate platelets. a day.

my therapist is worried

so, at my last sit down with my therapist she asked how i was. i said lonely. i am sad because i feel lonely. she replied “we’ve got to do something about this. Loneliness kills.” and i replied, “yes, i read that research article too.”

Loneliness and Social Isolation as Risk Factors for Mortality: A Meta-Analytic Review

the problem is several things that build on themselves. i have a lot of monthly payments i have to make. which means i have to work a lot. which means i don’t get a lot of sleep. which means i don’t feel very good. which means i am not enthusiastic about dating. (and i still miss the boy).

it isn’t just dating though. i don’t have any close friends, really. i spend time with and talk with my friend Mathew pretty regularly (he is a regular reader) but he is married. my friend Stacy and i have started to do more things together. (note to self: do NOT forget the winter coat for HMart on saturday). i like some of my coworkers quite a bit. but they are married (or divorcing) with kids. with the recent struggles i have had, i have wanted to call someone. talk about what is happening. but i have no one to call. at least one i feel close to. whom i know values me as i value them. that is why this can’t be a boytoy or a playmate. i am not even sure it could be someone i was sleeping with. yeah, yeah, i have the body of a woman much younger than i am. blah, blah, blah. doesn’t keep me warm at night.

i do still enjoy dressing up though.

it’s late. i am tired. i should go to sleep.