Daily Archives: April 9, 2018

the sads are strong

yeah, i am sad. and lonely. i suppose this is me getting over the boy. i offered some encouragement after one of his posts (told FB i didn’t want to see them, but whatever…) at the end i reminded him he was awesome and replied “So are you. Some day we’ll find people who fully appreciate it”. ouch. yeah, you HAD someone who fully appreciated it. me. yeah, that hurt. a lot. i composed a reply after a number of days:

“My therapist is trying to teach me to give feedback when I feel hurt. This hurt: “Some day we’ll find people who fully appreciate it.” You had someone who fully appreciated it. Me. Totally understandable that you didn’t feel the same way. Seriously, that is how life goes. Sometimes you connect, sometimes you don’t. I don’t fault you at all (really, really) for not feeling about me the way I feel about you. But to hear you say, “we’ll find people” just hurt very much. I am people. I had wanted to support you when I thought you were sad about trying to reconnect with people. But then I felt sad.

In my fantasies you change your mind and fall madly in love with me. Fantasies being what they are, I think I should go back to the social boundary you talked about earlier. I am not going to pretend you don’t exist, but I am going to try really hard to be more careful with my reflex to automatically try and help people when I think they are sad.”

his reply was somewhat vague. tone is hard online. but man, am i sad now. i went to see OMD on Friday night with, basically, all my friends. i was the single one. it was like flashback high school only i don’t have anyone to share it with. everyone i was there with has a partner. it just made me feel SO sad. i have two tickets to see NIN in Vegas in June. it is the middle of the week. i am definitely going. i fear i am going alone.

yeah, well, i have been trying to find dates online. someone interesting conversations. but none have gone anywhere. work is slow so i can’t distract myself there either (though, today, i did have a family member come up to me in a grocery store and hug me three times). refinancing my condo, taking some cash out to pay some debt. that will make things easier, less stressful. but i did buy a $200 duvet cover with skulls arranged in the shape of hearts.

i’ll keep trying. i am just really sad.