i started this post and then stopped for some reason…

(what was already written)

yeah, i have just been really sad lately. just not a lot of happy things in my life. boy problems. roommate problems. working too much. tummy PROBLEMS!

i talked with my psychiatrist today (was awhile ago now). we are going to split one of my meds between 12 hrs and he told me about another type of therapy: dialectical behavioral therapy. the med change is because of my tummy (see previous post about BRAT diet). DBT, he believes, will help me learn to deal with people that REALLY annoy me and the like. i tried it. it felt like finding coping mechanisms for not dealing with it, to not be annoyed, but not to fix anything. yeah, i am not the cover it up and distract myself type. i want to work things out. also, the others in the group, i could not relate at all. they had children. their problems are SO different than mine. we had to keep a journal of sorts. we gave numbers, 1-5, 5 being the worst, on feelings like anger, empty/alone, frustration, physically bad. there were 12 and a “fill it in” item (i always wrote “tired and it was always 5). we were also suppose to fill out something about what happened each day. something good, or significant. anyhow, she would take a quick look and then ask what “skills” i used in the last week. anyhow…it was not feeling right.

i went to my therapist and she didn’t think it was right for me either. apparently my psychiatrist uses that therapy a lot. anyhow. i cried at my therapists a lot. i split with the boy (more on that below). my roommate is a great roommate but not a very good friend. i work VERY hard at work. i do it to make things better for the patients, ultimately. i enjoy the organization. and i work with at least one REALLY unpleasant coworker. my boss is so anti-confrontational that things don’t get fixed. the doctors suck. she says i need less flakey people in my life. but i don’t know how to do that. i think this next week we are going to talk about that.

the boy. well, we were suppose to meet after the goth ball. i had a wonderful outfit. (i will try and start posting more outfits. i have a lot, actually). we had talked earlier in the week. he said he had a movie during the day, but we could meet after the ball. i always knew that i came second. his “friends” (the people he works with) come first. but, i hadn’t heard from him all day. at midnight i texted that the ball was lovely. he replied that he was glad. he was at an impromptu, belated game night/birthday party at a coworker’s house (the brother of the coworker he is obsessed with). and that, was it. he forgot me. all he had to do was text me that he got invited out and wouldn’t get home until well after the ball. ┬áthat’s it. i would have been fine with that. but he didn’t. ***I*** had to text him to find out he wouldn’t be available. i can’t except that. i will not allow myself to be disrespected in that way. and when i did message him later that night, i told him he had hurt me the worst possible way, he forgot me.

i was going to tell him on thursday when were to next hang out, but i didn’t get out of the office until really late and it was a VERY emotional day. so, the next day, i left a card on his front door. it said i had wanted to do this in person the previous night, but the day was too much. i said, “i am done. i can’t do this anymore. i am going to miss you SO much.” (it was a halloween card too). amusingly, he came home early from work because he went to the eye doctor. he messaged me on FB. said he understood. i told him i was VERY happy to help him organize/redecorate. he replied that he was sorry he couldn’t offer me what i have been offering him (the boy needs to see a therapist BADLY). i told him i would be happy to go to dinner or have coffee, but that he had to ask me. his reply was, “OK. We should probably wait a while to rebuild some distance. You know I suck at keeping safe boundaries.” which is funny, because it suggests he would obsess over me like the girl at work. or something. i don’t know. but it HURTS. he is really the first boy i ever WANTED to date. i loved being married, but let’s be honest, it happened by accident. after marriage was playmates that got out of hand, but him, David, is someone i looked at and really wanted to be a partner with.

and i know this happens everyday, to all sorts of people. but i wish, my firs time out, i might have had some luck finding someone that wanted to date me back. that was Feb 26th. so far, no days without thinking about him. wishing he would see the error of his ways and how awesome we could be. but i am trying to work through that. that will DEFINITELY be something that i talk to my therapist about next week.

yeah, i have been sad. but i am trying to find good people to be with instead.

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