i did it. i finished my BSN without exploding. you can call me:

Heather Black, BA, MBA, ADN, BSN, RN

for my next trick, i will get my CHPN. which is my hospice certification. it is a test, but i should study for it. after that i will study spanish. but i feel an amazing sense of relief being done with school. i had no idea hoe good this would feel. i didn’t realize what a weight it was in the back of my brain. i have been in school since 2009. i have friends who have never known me not to be in school. it is a relief.

i don’t know if the anti-depressants are working. i haven’t been eating as much, have lost some weight. but my body has been rejecting a lot of food lately too.  not fun.

the lipo worked nicely. i am happy with it. i still need to lose some weight because my boobs are too big to fit in stuff.  i do fit into about 30% more of my clothing. which is awesome.

i was to attend a christmas party last friday. it was at some friends who are a wonderful couple, and they invite wonderful couples. and i always feel sad when i go to these parties. i don’t feel like i fit in. i took Lucy there and dropped her off.  she came back the next day at noon.  she aid the last of the guests left at 4am and one of the hosts was found sleeping in his closet. this party makes me feel two things. one, alone, i just don’t connect with people like i used to. i am not sure if this is part of my job or not. i am SO drained when i get home. i have time for few things but work and life things.  maybe my job means i don’t have the emotional capacity for friends and loved ones. but i really love what i do. really, really. it means something to me. but i cried a bunch that night. i feel like the rest of the world is slipping away.

two has to do with the fact i don’t drink. on NPR this week they had Sarah Hepola, author of the bool, Blackout: Remembering the things I drank to forget. she talks about what it is like to be a non-drinker and it really hit home, i definitely feel this way:

“What nobody mentions about all the holiday spirit is how much booze it requires. Stepping out of that social script can leave you feeling exiled and lonely, like you haven’t just lost your crutch but you’ve also lost your cool card. Even people who pride themselves on their tolerance can be dismissive of people who don’t drink, like they’re no fun to have around — as if they’re the ones peeing in the potted plants at 2 a.m.

I’ve been surprised over the years by how little consideration is given to the nondrinking guests. They’re often a total afterthought. It’s like: Here we have an artisanal cocktail with muddled mint and cinnamon-infused bourbon. Oh, wait, you don’t drink? Umm, I think there’s some Diet Coke in the fridge, and you can just grab a red Solo cup.

To be a good host means to consider the needs of your guests: It’s normal these days to offer dinner options that are gluten-free, dairy-free or meat-free. I don’t see why drinks should be any different. A simple Google search will take you to about a hundred different recipes for mocktails. And if that’s too much effort, some sparkling water will go a long way. And, it’s nice to offer those drinks in the same glasses you use for other guests. Downgrading the sober folk to plasticware while everyone else gets crystal goblets is such a weird punishment: As if not drinking weren’t difficult enough, now I have to use a cup that announces my difference.”

it is how i feel, i feel like a weirdo just because i don’t drink. and at that party, i would have been the sober one. really drunk people are not amusing to the sober person. do i need to find a sober group? place an ad that says “hey, any non-drinkers, wanna have normal non-alcohol-driven evenings together?” recovering alcoholics aren’t always so fun, lots of issues, i have a history with that behavior. i dunno. where do i fit?

there is more relationship stuff. but later about that.