my best friend once explained her experience with depression as a wave. she said one minute she was fine and then next a wave of sadness overcame her. that isn’t how it feels to me. everything is just so hard. everything i have to do, all my responsibilities just feel like so much weight. i am so tired of having to keep all the balls up in the air. and on top of it, i have gained 20 lbs and my body feels like the enemy and i can’t stop eating. and i have this american express bill that is just completely out of control. i want to pay everything but it leaves me with nothing. i have a new cat. her name is snape. she and gandalf aren’t getting along quite yet. i think snape is sick. i can’t afford a sick cat. what do i do? i don’t want to default on my responsibilities, but i am so at the end of my ability to cope. tonight i did finally cry. i cried because when i got out of work, after 15 1/2 hours, my tire was flat. and then the air machine didn’t work. and someone i hoped would help me, that just isn’t his instinct.
i exchanged mails with patrick around the election. we always do. but it made me so sad this time. because i am so alone. he isn’t alone. i have no idea what his life is like, but he isn’t alone. sure, my friends would help. but with what? no one can take over my life for a month or two and keep me moving. the person who is suppose to help me only accused me of trying to treat my depression without medical help. which was not the case. if i fall apart completely. if i end up having to hide, or not go to work, it all gets worse. more things go wrong. i have dealt with many stresses in life. but now i just don’t have the…something. i am not even sure what it is. it doesn’t feel like strength or will. i do still get up and go to work. i haven’t just stopped and given up. but something feels different inside.
my roommate lied to me yesterday. i came home and said i was worried about the polls, we were losing. she insisted that it was too early (i got home at 9ish). i then asked if she had voted. she said “yeah, yesterday.” i went to bed and then i remembered. the polls in texas weren’t open monday. early voting closed friday. so i walked to her room and said “you didn’t vote yesterday, the polls were closed. early voting ended friday.” she looked away and said “oh”. and that hurt SO much. why did she lie? sure, i am disappointed, if texas had gone blue we would have won. but the lie, the lie hurt the most. in the morning she apologized, said she regretted it as soon as she said it. i told her the lie really hurt. she said she was sorry. but everything is just so hard.
at work, i see these families that are so supportive. so close. wanting what is best for their lived one who is dying. it is one of the top things i love about my job. meeting all these wonderful families. i tell them, my family isn’t close, it is wonderful to see such love.i really love my job. the organization is seriously fucked up, but i love my job. but is it too much? the work that truly brings me a sense of accomplishment, can i not take it because the organization is so fucked up? i want this to be my place.
there is more but i am tired. i have an appointment next week with a new GP to see about going on anti-depressants. i hope i don’t gain more weight.