i woke up at 0415 this morning to go pee. which is quite an ordeal in my waist cincher and spanx. then i went back to sleep and had a horrible nightmare. it tainted my entire day. it has tainted my psyche. i dreamt i was in trouble, i was hurt and i was sick and i was dying and i had nowhere to turn. i woke up SO alone. and i can’t shake it. i connect with people at work. i have a charmed life in SO many ways. i have people who care for me so much. but i feel SO alone. (then i weighed myself. why on earth did i do that? i weighed 152 lbs. that is the most i have ever weighed ever. why did i do that?) and i can NOT shake this. i am doubting everything. (and my cat is mad at me because she is attention deficit cat) is the joy i feel really joy? how distorted is my reality? what is happening to my body? i wrote an essay in high school titled “midlife crisis at 14” because of my father’s alcoholism and my mother’s codependency. but maybe what i am feeling now is really a midlife crisis? perhaps this is how people find good? or join holy orders? or burn out? or disappear? i get to help people everyday. i save live’s with my blood which i can totally give away no problem. i have a great cat (even if she is attention deficit). i am healthy if not getting larger. so why do i feel so isolated? so wrong? i am doing the right things. the good things. but, something just doesn’t seem ok.
blog, i appreciate you letting me complain. i realize that is almost all i do with your these days, but it helps.