scary history

i got a strange phone call last night. it was from a playmate from college. i think i have spoken to him once prior to now, since college. and i think that was texting on fb or something. he called me because he had just talked on the phone with the boy who introduced me to him. another one of my playmates in college. we had a threesome even. this was a boy sorta of dating someone else. and then he was engaged to her. when they were sort of dating, we played. when he told me they were engaged, i told him i would’t play with him anymore. but i could have had him. he had a tumultuous childhood and even ran away from home at one point. but he had this insane sense of responsibility/accountability. but he wanted to break out. he wanted to grab his youth and i was the symbol of that. i was the debaucherous and adventurous potential girlfriend. as with so many since, i asked for nothing and represented fun. but he was engaged. i couldn’t possibly interfere with that. i think i could have taken him. but that would have been wrong. at the same time, he was one that got away. one i wanted to try with. this call upset me. after splitting with kyle, this lost relationship. it was upsetting. it made me feel more disconnected and alone. i didn’t like it.

tonight i listed to one of the bands i am not seeing this weekend. skunk anansie. the song is tracey’s flaw. it is about a woman who uses a man. goes back when things are bad for her. for some reason, i have always been afraid to be that person. i think it is hypocrisy. there is NOTHING i hate more than a hypocrite. childhood, blah blah blah. anyhow. tracy’s flaw is that she goes back to this man who loves her so much, when she needs him, but abuses that love when it suites her. i cheated on my first boyfriend, my boyfriend in high school. and i never wanted to do that again. be a hypocrite. did i not give myself the chance though? do you have to fight for it sometimes? does that mean you aren’t a hypocrite but someone trying to get their needs met? i still think we have to get what we want fairly. but what haven’t i gotten as a result? or what has my flawed logic meant to my happiness?

i am getting a custom made murphy bed made. it is going to be super goth. but the creator has taken a fancy to me. how do i do this? i had a patient’s son make a comment about how unique i look at work today. i want to be me. i don’t want to follow trends, i want to set them (thank you Adam Ant). but i don’t like this level of attention. i don’t know what to do.

i want a boyfriend. i want one that cares for me deeply, but understands my work is everything. that it isn’t personal when i get home late. who is flexible, but lives up to agreements. my agreement is i will be home from work as soon as i can. things change, i understand and respect that, but don’t just drop me. i give a lot, but i need flexibility. should that be so hard? i’m awesome.

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