life grind.

things are life.  good, i suppose.  bad, not particularly.  but a struggle none-the-less.  i still really like my relationship but there are things i want different in my life.  and yet, i am not sure how to keep all the things together.  i do NOT want to work days in a hospital.  and yet i want normal life back.  a friend asked recently what people do when they hate the world and want to avoid the outside.  my answer was “reamortize my debt so i know when i will have enough cashflow not to care anymore.”  is that all it is?  of course, i will be QUITE proud when i pay off my debt.  so, it is something i look forward to.  and i LIKE working.  there are plenty of stressful days as a nurse, but i enjoy what i do very much.  had a lovely night shift as hospice recently.

whatever.  what am i trying to say?

as i get close to my 50s (isn’t THAT weird) i wonder what is important to me now.  i think i would probably tell the youngins that priorities and focus change over life.  we can still be the same person at the center, but the direction changes based on where you are in the arc of life.  i am good with my direction but there is some internal friction.  just not sure what it is.

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