tonight was the goth ball. i looked wonderful, though i felt awkward in my clothing. just proves it is all attitude. the music was fantastic. the last song i danced to was “how soon is now”. i then walked to voodoo donuts to buy donuts for my coworkers. they enjoyed the donuts and boobies. it was a good night considering all the standard defined good life items. and yet i was SO lonely all night long. all the couples around me. all the long-term established friendships. and i am definitely outside. but i think a lot of it is me. i spent so much time, growing up, on the outside of the crowd, i don’t know how to be a part of it. and with boys. i suppose i should talk to them. but i don’t want to appear too interested because i don’t want to have to fend them off. my history proceeds me and the initiation to sex happens quickly. and i hate that dance. how do i signal, “i am being friendly, when i want to have sex, it’ll be obvious. until then, be nice.”? how do i gradually establish a relationship? anyhow. i feel like my blog is my alter-ego. in regular life i am good, i smile, i enjoy my work. on my blog, i feel my loneliness. gandalf ran away. i have seen her, but she has been outside for two days now. i don’t even have her to cuddle with now.