Monthly Archives: February 2016

not since high school

i haven’t consciously decided to date someone since my first boyfriend in high school.  all the subsequent boys i dated (and married) started out as a casual thing.  it is weird how liberating deciding to date someone is.  i feel like it is ok to express how much i enjoy his company. previously i felt it necessary to keep a distance as they weren’t REALLY partners (well, patrick was once we married).  now i can be sure that we are a pair because we talked about it out loud. we talked about communicating.  how he has a poker face and in the past i have not received feedback on how my words and actions impacted my partners.  he is going to try and give me feedback. we can at least talk about it and agree at a meta level.  that is an improvement.

i had rsvpd yes to BBQ last week. kyle was going to attend with me.  i told my therapist that i wasn’t really looking forward to it because, besides the host, I only knew other attendees vaguely.  socializing would be an effort.  she said “then don’t go.  stay home and hang out with people you don’t have to work so hard to be with.  fine idea. kyle brought ove the corn dip he made for the party and we ate that and I baked pumpkin pies.  it was a lovely evening.  I need to remember i don’t have to attend all events, even if I really like the host.

sherwood forest Faire last weekend.  always a nice walk in the park with friends.  my outfit was popular because of all the boob.

mom arrived this week.  nervously excited.  ross is in town from Alaska and wants to meet her.  that’ll be odd.

i need a holiday. and curly hair.

a few things clarified

so, the boy is my friend, now, er, boyfriend, kyle.  yep, the guy who used to live under my bed.  he’s graduated! just kidding.  when i worked night shifts he slept in my bed.  anyhow, i mentioned the “so besides the sex, we sort of just do the things we used to together, but more often.  how is this really different?”  he had a great answer…that it isn’t really very different.  we always acted like an old married couple when we hung out.  most people, who didn’t know us better, assumed we were married.  that actually makes a lot of sense.  and is totally one of the reasons i like him so much.  we are very comfortable together.  at least i am comfortable with him.  he is even better at poker face than me.  so maybe he is freaking out inside or something.  whatever.

it is nice to be having sex again.  eighth months is a LONG time.  well, it is for me.  the getting to know someone’s body phase is always extra fun.  we mesh well.  the glasses thing is funny.  neither of us naturally takes our glasses off to have sex, so we always start by bumping them and then one of us takes them off.

unfortunately, my schedule has kept us from actually spending a night together.  i think waking up next to someone is a significant step, and not just because of bedhead.  this Thursday is really our first chance to do that together, but he works Friday.  perhaps i can convince him to take the day off and he can make us breakfast.  he cooks. oh, my deity, he cooks.

we’ve even already had the poly vs monogamy conversation.  poly isn’t my kink.  exhibitionism/voyeurism is (in a respectful and private environment).  he is inclined to monogamy, which is totally fine with me.  but if there is ever the opportunity to attend a kinky salon, we are going.  he totally agreed.

anyhow, i am happy and giddy and enjoy the banter.  i have to work the next three days so we won’t hang out again until Wednesday.  but we are going to the Alamo “Princess Bride” quote-along.  Awww, how romantic…BARF! (it is funnier when i do it in person)

i might be dating someone

so…this person is someone i have been friends with for quite sometime.  my age (yeah!).  it is odd going from good friends to “dating” because, besides sex and spending more time together, what is different?  we still talk about the stuff we used to talk about and enjoy doing the same sort of stuff together we did before.  how do you know when it is actual dating and commitment and stuff?  well, sure, you TALK about it, but generally not until some “point”.  what/when is that point?

there are things i am worried about, but, whatever.  i’ll just deal with them as they happen. so far i love the feeling of belonging.  it has been a LONG time since i felt i belonged to someone. (which is a good thing, not a crazy possessive thing).

tonight was not as it seemed

tonight was the goth ball.  i looked wonderful, though i felt awkward in my clothing.  just proves it is all attitude.  the music was fantastic.  the last song i danced to was “how soon is now”.  i then walked to voodoo donuts to buy donuts for my coworkers.  they enjoyed the donuts and boobies.  it was a good night considering all the standard defined good life items.  and yet i was SO lonely all night long.  all the couples around me.  all the long-term established friendships.  and i am definitely outside.  but i think a lot of it is me.  i spent so much time, growing up, on the outside of the crowd, i don’t know how to be a part of it.  and with boys.  i suppose i should talk to them.  but i don’t want to appear too interested because i don’t want to have to fend them off.  my history proceeds me and the initiation to sex happens quickly.  and i hate that dance.  how do i signal, “i am being friendly, when i want to have sex, it’ll be obvious.  until then, be nice.”? how do i gradually establish a relationship?  anyhow.  i feel like my blog is my alter-ego.  in regular life i am good, i smile, i enjoy my work.  on my blog, i feel my loneliness.  gandalf ran away.  i have seen her, but she has been outside for two days now.  i don’t even have her to cuddle with now.

feeling funny

i feel like i might be coming apart?  my discipline is gone.  i haven’t been eating well or sleeping well or getting the things done i need to.  my US history course starts in march and i SO don’t want to deal with it.  i just feel scattered.  maybe it is a boy thing. maybe it is a money thing.  maybe it is my mother hasn’t bought a plane ticket to visit me.  maybe it is general malaise related to a lack of fitness.  i don’t like it. what do i do about it?