Monthly Archives: December 2015

unsure

it’s funny, when i walk down the halls at the hospital, going to a pt room or the supply room, it feels like the office.  of course, i realize it is WAY more than an office.  it is a temporary home for some people, and i am their personal assistant.  it feels natural.  i walk down the halls with the confidence of knowledge. with limits, i know how my pts are doing, what needs to be watched and how things are going.  it feels good but it also feels isolating.  the isolation is more about the hours, i suppose.  of course, if i were more stable financially, i wouldn’t have to work so many hours.  it feels as though i am slipping away from the relationships i have. and i am not very good and building new ones.  i feel like i am reaching out, but it seems i am not.  or i am saying the wrong thing. or i am missing the cues i am getting in return.  it feels comfortable in the hospital but no where else.

when i went to work today (hospice) there were only 3 pts.  so i offered to go home before they sent me home.  it would have been nice if they had called me last night to say there were only 3 pts.  then i could have gone out.  i had my interview with the boss about a full-time day position.  she flat out said she won’t hire me.  she wants to keep me PRN (as needed) because i am reliable.  she doesn’t want to hire me because she wants someone with more experience.  i know the staff would want me.  it makes me sad.

my heart hurts so much right now.

i don’t know what to do anymore.  the problem must be inside me, but i am not sure how to reach it.  i am not sure how to reach out.  there is just all this frustration and sadness inside me and i don’t know what to do.

a day after the date

i’ve had some time to think.  my relationship with michael, in sf, was exactly what my friend from last night has to offer.  only i don’t have a husband this time.  and, sure, patrick and i were struggling, but i felt a bond with him.  we had a whole life together and michael and i only had a once or twice a week great dinner, chat and sex relationship.  what michael and i had was great but it was limited.  as me and my friend would be.  when i was only looking for playmates, that was fine.  EXCEPT i was bad at keeping it playmates.  and with this person it would be even harder.  cause there are no red flags with this person as there have been with my last two playmates (well, accept he is married).  i want someone to come to my things, i want to go to my partners things.  i don’t need marriage, but i do need to spend time together.  i don’t need every day, every moment, or even a date to every event.  but i do need more than great conversation, dinner and sex.  sucks.  i REALLY like this guy.  and i haven’t liked a guy like this in a while.

my childhood survives

i saw star wars tonight.  it was amazing.  my childhood remains intact.  and i have a super awesome pint glass to prove it.

i’ll wait a few weeks before i post details about the film so as not to ruin it for anyone.

i had my dinner with an old friend tonight.  that old friend i wrote about before.  he was just as wonderfully attractive as always.  and he really likes me too.  he doesn’t believe in primary and secondary’s.  he believes in “relationship anarchy”, getting what you need where you need it.  which makes TOTAL sense.  and is true about poly.  but i also think you can’t ignore the hierarchy.  he has a wife of MANY, MANY years.  and he lives with her.  and she gets deference.  which makes sense.  it is not a complete relationship though.  and he has a lot to offer, a lot that isn’t what goes into the relationship with his wife.  and i find him SO wildly attractive. (except the part where he stopped taking his blood pressure medication because it gave him a dry cough.  one does NOT simply stop taking their BP meds. *sigh* mortals)  anyhow, i am tempted.  SO tempted.  but is it the sexual needing in me or do i truly believe this could truly work?  i don’t know.  part of me thinks, well, sleep with him (or someone, really) to work out my unsatisfied desire, and then i would be able to think straight.  and part of me thinks “you are insane”.  as cliche as it sounds, i need to talk to my therapist.  my first instinct is i would really really like to try.

(sexually explicit follow-up) i masturbated AFTER the date.  i took a nap before.

sexually explicit talk (that is your warning)

i have a date tonight with someone i have had a crush on since i met him.  he’s married.  but their poly.  but i don’t want to be a second.  i want to come home to snuggle. so why am i having dinner with him?  because it makes me tingle, i suppose.  and i like to torture myself?  i am also going to see the new star wars tonight with another friend.  he has a crush on me, but i could EASILY be his mother.  whatever.  so i was wondering, as i haven’t had sex since June or July (can’t remember which, but i do remember i did not orgasm that last two times i had sex) should i masturbate before going out?  my concern is i am sexually frustrated enough that i might abandon my pledge to avoid “play partner only” sex since i am already super crushing on this boy?  but if i take the edge off before going out, well, that might help me stay in the right mind.  then again, another part of me (the stupid irrational part) thinks what if he makes me a WONDERFUL offer of relationship and i get to have sex tonight?  then it won’t be quite as tingling because i took the edge off.  meh. i think i’ll just nap.

(got to details on my $3,500 bonus to stay at St. David’s…it is over a two year period with the last, and largest, payment being two years from now, 12/17.  first bonus, $500, in 30 days, next at 12 months, next at 18 months last at 24 months.  i could totally see myself staying that long, but it is kind of a bummer.  i could totally use that money now.  the raise is still effective immediately)

(HACH is looking for a full-time day shift nurse.  i talked to the boss, holly, and her comment was “I don’t want to lose you as a PRN nurse”.  which feels weird, but i am reliable and some of her regular people aren’t.  i am happy at St. David’s and holly said she could probably give me a regular shift once a week, so i am cool with that.  gotta make some new scrub skirts!)

uh-oh

i arrived home tonight in my light winter coat, (wet) suede ankle boots and my panties.  it was raining something fierce when the club closed.  it seemed silly to stand hoping it would stop raining.  i ran for it. when i got to my car i took off the full-length satin skirt, floor-length white tail and t-shirt off and threw them in the back.  waited for the windows to clear and then turned up the heat a bit.  i gave a friend and his date a ride to his car.  when she got out she left the passenger door open and ran to his car.  that has made me not a fan, as i had to get out of my car (in only bra, panties and shoes) to close the door as i could get over the seat with everything being so wet.  she also stepped on my tiara.  oh well.

i bumped into an ex-lover tonight.  it made me sad.  besides wanting to connect, i miss sex.  the sex with this partner was quite nice, but we were such different people with such different life goals.  but i still find him so very attractive.  of well.  must stick with my plan.

and so i was SO lonely tonight.  so many of my friends with their partners.  fun had by couples.  am i rose-tinting my relationship memories?  i long for the relaxing feeling as one settles in next to one’s partner to sleep.  it feels so far away from my life.  i also bumped into someone that thrills me so very much.  but he is married.  i know he likes me too, but i don’t want to be second.  we tried to talk, but kept being interrupted.  and then he had to leave, because he was picking up his wife.  it made me SO sad.  i think this sad thing is starting to get too big.  i need to talk to my therapist directly about it.  i hope she can help.

it isn’t that i don’t think i will ever meet anyone.  nor do i feel unworthy or broken.  i simply feel very alone.  and it is feeling more crippling as the weeks go by.  surely there is a solution.

chopping vegetables

tonight i chopped fruits and vegetables for my meals and snacks next week.  i also had coffee with a friend that just got engaged.  and had brunch with some married friends.  and it feels HORRIBLE.  like there is this club and i am not allowed to join.  sort of like being an awkward child again.  the kid that no one wanted to play with at recess.  the kid that other kid’s parent’s complained would say awkward things and invited herself to parties (because she was the only one not invited).  at this stage of life my problem is two-fold: finding people that are attractive to me (physically and emotionally/intellectually) and being able to communicate with them.  i try to be calm about it all.  take deep breaths and believe.  take deep breaths and know that it is just time and effort.  but it is hard.  i am surrounded by al this connection i don’t get to be a part of.  i really like my friends.  i enjoy knowing them and having experiences with them.  they are my friends.  but they aren’t my partners.  and they have their own partners.  tonight, while i was chopping vegetables i really wanted to have someone chopping with me.  or even just sitting on the couch and chatting with me. or asleep in bed for me to snuggle up with a few hours from now.  the disconnect is turning into an ache.  i don’t know what else to do but keep trying.  but it is starting to ache.