i was sad today. my inability to connect with people makes life complicated. life changes and it is hard to roll with it. i mean, one does, i do, but it makes me sad. i felt lonely today. a few years ago we had a big goth thanksgiving. rossandra (my friends Ross and Cassandra) would do it at their place one year and then mine the next. this year we had it in the party room in my complex. and all my friends were invited. it was a great party. the food was fantastic, there was nothing left (accept some pie, which i was mildly insulted by, but it also meant more pumpkin pie for me! i ate 4 slices like pizza. as it should be.) but very few of my friends came. even those that said they would. i made a pie for a guest who had a special food need. she didn’t come to thanksgiving dinner. she went to another dinner that was earlier and didn’t make it. i had to work at hospice on friday. i didn’t want to but the boss really needed the help and i really want to work their full-time, so i did it. by the time i got home i was exhausted. there were 3 clubs friday night. clubs with great music planned. but i couldn’t stay awake. it sounded like my friends had an amazing time. today i tried to find people to go out with. mathew and rothko had lunch with me and we went to the renegade craft fair. it was busy and crowded there. it was hard to relax and enjoy it. we bumped into some friends outside the fair. later i went to the sale at secret oktober. some people came in. one of the owners was so glad to see them. because i don’t connect with people. people think i am indifferent or unneeding or something like that. whatever it is, i don’t connect. i had no one to spend the afternoon with. it made me sad. as i was driving to a store for a local business sale, i thought to myself, if i were i an accident and i was really hurt and they asked me who to call, who would i say to call? i know people who would come, certainly, but who would be the right person to call? they only person i can really think of is my mother, and really, she isn’t type of person i would want to call. christine would come, if i called. but we aren’t close like we used to be. i am not a good friend for her. it made me cry that i don’t have anyone that would be the right person to call. this is the problem.
i joined my therapists group last week. it was a strange first day. there is some history of conflict between some of the members and one of them wasn’t there. those there expressed their opinions about the missing member being an ass. the conflict sounded amusing. there was staring down of people and criticizing the therapist. it’s weird being new, walking in on it. everyone give short explanations of why they were there. that was especially weird. one person is there because of poor self-esteem, he hates himself. another because of rage. another came for another reason but figured out rage was the real issue. it made me feel strange. i believe in a hierarchy of problems, and my problem of not connecting thus being single is far less important than hating one’s self or being angry at everything in the world. i spoke with my therapist privately the next day and told her that. she replied “your problems matter”, which i replied that i agreed. but in the context of the group, i felt like my problems weren’t as pressing. my issues are worthy, it just doesn’t feel the right environment to try and push through them. but i’ll give it a try if she thinks it is a good idea.
i was hurt that the friend i baked the pie for didn’t come to our thanksgiving. i was sad not more of my friends attended. what does one do with that feeling? does one share it? i don’t want to simply make her feel guilty. but i don’t know what to do with these feelings. is this what i need to learn to do? i would be entirely willing to learn not to be hurt, but is that against my best self-interest? i’ve spent a lot of energy in my life working to not be hurt. has that worked against me in the end? i suppose that is what i should ask my therapist. or maybe the group. (i did ask my therapist if she thought deep down i hated myself. i mean, i think i am awesome, but maybe i don’t really? she said she didn’t think i hated myself deep down.)
went to see the new bond film tonight. my goodness i left aroused. between bond himself (played deliciously by Daniel Craig) and Q. OMG Q! nerd heaven. he has a mortgage and two cats. swoon. how i long to watch his nerdiness then periodically molest him (in a completely consensual way) the movie made me sad too. sad because i miss europe. sad because i longed for the characters to be people in my life. to have strong people like that in my life. i didn’t even do that when i was young. perhaps i am creeping more into being depressed? maybe now, when things are balancing out, i am slowing down enough to be depressed? wouldn’t that be unfortunate?
the 29 year-old (who goes by Trae) wants to be my slave. i made the mistake of mentioning how my roommate Lucy and i were wishing for one a few nights ago when we didn’t want to get off the couch but were hungry. i told him i want an equal partner. that my job holds so much responsibility, that i don’t want to come home and be responsible for someone’s emotions. i come from the BDSM camp that thinks the Sub holds all the power. the Dom has ALL the responsibility and all the Sub has to do is what they are told. their needs are completely seen to by the Dom. i don’t need that responsibility. Trae did say that he does come home sometimes and just wanna take off his pants, watch tv and eat pizza. that it isn’t the lifestyle 24-7. i don’t know. i find him quite attractive. we talk easily. he loves to dance. he’d go to my things with me. he wants me, and it doesn’t feel entirely sexual. which is nice for a change. of course, perhaps, because of his inclinations, his desire is muted? his first play partner, when he was early 20s, was a 50-something year-old nurse. he said it was wonderful and he was sad when she moved away (she is a travel nurse). i don’t know. initially i went to the coffee to say it was over. but he made me feel comfortable about him. that is new as well. now that i think about it, i haven’t felt comfortable about a potential partner in absolute ages. i feel like i could let me guard down. though that may not work as he is a Sub. hm. i’ll talk to people.
tomorrow is the goth ball. i haven’t completely decided on my outfit. i am planning fabulousness. isn’t that just what i do though?
the 29 year-old i met at barbarella is into BDSM. in fact, he just finished a year of serving a mistress. i really need to stop going on dates with 29 year-olds. i like him, and he is adorable, but i don’t want kids (he does) and i don’t want to be a dom. sheesh. can’t decide whether to have sex with him or not. we haven’t even made out. our dates have been events and time alone has not come up. but i sort of feel like i should just nip this one in the bud. i don’t want to spend the precious energy i have with someone i don’t want to be in a longterm relationship with. though i haven’t got anything else going on right now, so does it really matter? and wow do I MISS HAVING SEX. i figure next time in have sex i will orgasm before they slide all the way in. which might actually feel pretty amazing. whatever.
was downtown tonight and encountered a woman who said she needed food (she did NOT ask for money) because she was a diabetic and her blood sugar was low. i am such a sucker for that. she asked me to buy her chili cheese fries from casino. not the best diabetic food, but i think elevated sugar is better for her than hypoglycemia.
i then walked by cheer up charlie’s and chisteene was playing so i stopped to listen. she is opening for peaches on tour, and they are both playing FUN FUN FUN fest this weekend. it was fun to stand there and dance in place to the music. it sounded fantastic until a band started playing at mohawk next-door. then i couldn’t hear any more. and it started to rain. so i ran home to post you this note, change my sheets and get some sleep. (also trying to get gandalf to try out her cat shelves. i even put tuna fish up there and she won’t go!)
how this not finding a new lover who isn’t necessarily boyfriend material is good for me? i mean, i am still well cerebral enough that i am not going to do anything stupid, but sheesh, i miss sex.
halloween at elysium and funeral parade. the music was quite nice. unfortunately, i walked back into the club from the patio at the very end of the thriller video. that made me sad. of course, i only know about half of it. i looked adorable. gothic lolita dress with formal tail and braids. ***sign***