i thought about it

the paragraph below is the first part of my response to boytoy about how he treated me before he left for Alaska.  i think it is an important part of the puzzle .

first a little about me. as you know, i married suddenly. i cheated on my boyfriend in high school, because i really shouldn’t have had a boyfriend in high school. i needed to be touched because i didn’t get any at home, that, plus hormones, i just wanted sex. then i married suddenly. so i have never been in a relationship that grew naturally, organically. all my relationships went from zero to sixty in negative time and the focus was satisfying that need for physical connection. PROBABLY, not the right way of going about it. a purely physical solution to a emotional-physical problem, the lack of tenderness and concern by my parents. i haven’t had sex in MONTHS. i sort of feel sorry for the next person i have sex with. i’ll have to warn them i have a lot of pent up energy. but it might be a while. sean and i didn’t work out because someone directed him to my website when i wrote about my birthday. we weren’t really able to overcome that. but, i think he wanted to have sex (i certainly did) and i considered it, but then i realized it would be more of what i don’t want…a physical relationship without any of my needs being addressed. i like sex and i like uncomplicated sex, but i have been forsaking my emotional and psychological needs so long, i just can’t set myself up for that again. so i am going to try and establish an actual relationship, or probably the start of one, one were i express my needs and expectations, before i have sex with someone. part of me feels like i am bargaining my body for my heart and mind. and i don’t like the idea of that. but i am not saying something like “put a ring on it”. i am saying respect my needs more. i am going to stop being the “perfect” girlfriend who gives everything and asks for nothing. i have needs. i want to be taken out.

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