i had a very good therapy session today.  my therapist wants me to join her group session.  she thinks it would help me learn to connect with people.  she also says it is one’s own personal hell.  but if it helps me to let people know and let people in, why not, right?  she talked about not quitting and stuff.  i am not a quitter.  right?  i don’t think i am.  but i also think i have changed since i got a divorce.

one of the reasons she thought i should consider group is i am starting to feel sort of hopeless about finding someone to love/love me.  she said we can’t do anything about there not being a lot of options or finding good men.  but, we can do something about being available if we find one, them.  i’m willing to try.

mundane things: taking my car in next week, called scott&white about my bills, got off two more mailing lists.  i felt very productive.

my therapist said today she thought my split from Ross was a really big deal.  like a divorce.  i don’t think so.  i did NOT deserve to be treated that way and i want an apology and i am mad.  and i will likely stay mad until i get an apology (which i doubt i am going to get, so i should find some other way to get over it.  probably just time.)  she asked me what i missed about patrick.  patrick and i made a good team in things that were creative, he was nerdy (i like nerdy), we had a history, we experienced lots of significant live events together.  she suggested i miss the companionship more than patrick.  i miss patrick.  but, yeah, i miss the connection.  the longer time goes on the more i let go of him even if i miss him.  andreas, i only miss the sex.  with ross, i am only mad right now.  with michael, he was cute and smart.  i really dig smart.

i asked her if the thrill goes away as you get older.  she asked me to explain.  as we talked about it, i realized that i am afraid a boy won’t be excited about me ever again.  the thing i have enjoyed about all my relationships is that the men that i’ve been involved with showed desire for me, not specifically physical desire, but, we into me.  men that i have been on dates with recently, it doesn’t feel the same.  sean was very interactive, but i always sensed i was in a slot.  maybe as we get older and are single longer these are the habits we create?  perhaps it is simply vanity, wanting to be desired so.  but i am not sure that is something i can simply stop enjoying.  perhaps i have to learn to expect less?  my expectations are too high?  but i want to day dream how much it will please me to see an email from them in my inbox.  can’t a 46 year-old find someone to be giddy about?

as i don’t have anyone in my life to even distract me, i am fixating on my aloneness.  i hope i can find a way to get above it.  it will be hard to move forward if i can’t be on top of the aloneness.