Monthly Archives: October 2015


my first history test was harder than i expected.  but i get to take them twice :>

i had an ice cream date with a 29 year-old.  we met at 80s night at Barbarella.  he can seriously move on the dance floor.  we were suppose to go to old school hip-hop night tonight, but i got called into work tomorrow morning at HACH.

i am excited about working a day shift there.  but i had so many things in wanted to do tomorrow!  and hip-hop with a 29 year-old! (he is super into hip-hop and was going to school me in it).  i need to take that second unit exam for history too.

i got my apology.  i even got it in wave-file form.  it was adorable.  not sure what happens now.  but i feel more understood and respected for my worthiness.

started weight watchers today.  first day didn’t go so well.  i was at the ACC campus longer than expected and had to eat some tacos to keep conscious.  then lucy made pasta (which i SUPER appreciated!)  probably went over my points.  turns out most of my frozen meals are a million points (ok, 6).  my smoothie is 6 points! i only get 26 a day.  but i need to fit into my gothwear for convergence in new orleans next year! and i miss my wardrobe.  and my old body. blah blah blah.  i repeat myself.

but part of it is a chant. a mantra. remind myself of what i want most. (which is to have thin thighs without effort, but you know, reality!)

christine and her young man have parted. i am not sure it will stick.  my opinion, which i shared as gently as possible, is he will only hurt her more.  it is hard to be alone though.  i think i have learned completely cutting off contact is really the only way to go.   i used to think that was a weakness.  but i have decided (and my therapist agrees) that people that can “be friends” are extraordinary.  and i am normal.

tomorrow!  hospice! it’ll be good for me.

new dress

i wore a fabulous new dress out last night.  i found it on etsy.  it was homemade, but fit like it was made for me.  it was really stunning.  i received many compliments.  most of those people were drunk, but not all.  i have had men look at my boobs first and then look up and start talking to me, but last night a boy talked to my boobs.  i actually had to say “my eyes are up here.”  the vast majority of my friends were REALLY drunk.  it was amusing and cute while dancing at the club (though the band was horrible) but when i gave a few of them a ride to someone’s house, omg, it was annoying,  i really just wanted to dump them out in the rain.

it was weird.  i had a wonderful discussion about a vampire movie set in austin with cassandra’s ross.  we were perplexed about how there wasn’t a vampire movie set in austin, being we have the bat bridge and all.  so we came up with a story line and want to develop a website about an already released movie.  ross even wrote out a treatise for the film.  if i could stay awake long enough, i would work on my part of it.

i realized, with all the drunk people hitting on me, this dating thing is WAY harder than i expected.  i used to be able to have fun and play with the drunk people.  but i want more than that, so i have to avoid them (which, honestly, isn’t a big deal now that i see those types of interactions as the unfulfilling use of time they are).  which means, this whole find a partner thing, involves a lot of time.  i think the hard part is the time.  mostly, i think i just have to get to know someone, enjoy their positive traits, see if i can live with their negative traits (and vice versa).  but you have to do it SO many times.  or so it seems.  it there time?  hope? it’s kind of scary to think i can’t just establish a relationship the way i always have been, accidentally.  but at least it was something?  no, not really, it isn’t that.  it was that i had hope.  i don’t have as much hope now.  granted, part of that is my age, which is silly, except the reality is the numbers are against me.  anyhow. it was nice to get all the compliments, it was useless to get them from whom i received them from.  whatever.

why am i so tired?  i think it might be my new lenses.  i think there is something wrong with them.  i find it hard to see in all three depths.  my eyes are working so hard to keep up, it wears me out.

next weekend, when i have money again, i am going to take down at least the shower doors in my bathroom.  a little something i can do to improve the place that increases my remodeling skills and hardly costs anything.  the largest cost will be the shower bar and the new curtain, actually.  i am excited.

it’s raining off and on

which we obviously need.  and i wanted to start with something positive.

my therapist tells me i should go on lots of dates.  i need to do this to: weed out the “losers” and expose myself to the most people to figure out what i am looking for in a partner. i don’t know that i have the energy for this, but what choice do i have?  (do NOT give me platitudes that i am so awesome i will easily find someone.  i KNOW i am awesome, but that doesn’t mean my matching awesome partner is out there for me to find).  and really, i don’t even know what type of person i want to date!  i really liked patrick’s nerdiness, but then he generally only conversed about a single topic for months! (first scooters, then computers). she also wants me to take the reference to being “sex-positive” out of my profile, because “men are base”.  ugh. (i don’t doubt her on that)

my therapist also suggests trying weight watchers to lose the weight i gained when i started back on nights.  it makes me sad, but nothing is working and i feel yucky and my clothing doesn’t fit.  i am still gorgeous, but that is mostly an attitude thing.  which it always has been.  i can’t afford to replace my wardrobe.

US history class fairly entertaining.  too much work though. i’ll know more after my first test.

i need a nap.  i am going to be out all night tonight. i have a fantastic new dress.  life goes on, i know that.

i am going to take out the shower doors in my bathrooms and put in curtains.  i am excited about the plan!  being landed-gentry is fun.

i thought about it

the paragraph below is the first part of my response to boytoy about how he treated me before he left for Alaska.  i think it is an important part of the puzzle .

first a little about me. as you know, i married suddenly. i cheated on my boyfriend in high school, because i really shouldn’t have had a boyfriend in high school. i needed to be touched because i didn’t get any at home, that, plus hormones, i just wanted sex. then i married suddenly. so i have never been in a relationship that grew naturally, organically. all my relationships went from zero to sixty in negative time and the focus was satisfying that need for physical connection. PROBABLY, not the right way of going about it. a purely physical solution to a emotional-physical problem, the lack of tenderness and concern by my parents. i haven’t had sex in MONTHS. i sort of feel sorry for the next person i have sex with. i’ll have to warn them i have a lot of pent up energy. but it might be a while. sean and i didn’t work out because someone directed him to my website when i wrote about my birthday. we weren’t really able to overcome that. but, i think he wanted to have sex (i certainly did) and i considered it, but then i realized it would be more of what i don’t want…a physical relationship without any of my needs being addressed. i like sex and i like uncomplicated sex, but i have been forsaking my emotional and psychological needs so long, i just can’t set myself up for that again. so i am going to try and establish an actual relationship, or probably the start of one, one were i express my needs and expectations, before i have sex with someone. part of me feels like i am bargaining my body for my heart and mind. and i don’t like the idea of that. but i am not saying something like “put a ring on it”. i am saying respect my needs more. i am going to stop being the “perfect” girlfriend who gives everything and asks for nothing. i have needs. i want to be taken out.

time passes

life is very up and down.  i fear that i will stay single and then i give my phone number to a 29 year-old at a club.  and i had a date today with someone of okcupid.  he’s awkward but interesting.  cute too.  and my age.  we will see.  but i still feel strange about it all.

work is good.  the new schedule works well.  i am still considering taking every possible bonus shift for, say, three months to try and kill a huge part of my debt.  then i won’t have to work extra shifts.  three and a half days off at a time is like living a normal life again.  but i can’t really afford a normal life right now.  and then there is a the whole hospice job thing.  meh.  though i am far more content in life than i have ever been, things make sense at this age, things ARE easier, and yet, it is still such an effort.  long ago i determined the point of life is to be born, live and die.  there is no special point to it at all.  where we come up with our  sense of morals, i have no idea.  we are here to live and i have done that.

gandalf peed on my bed again.  i think she did it because i have worked so much lately.  but i can’t handle this.  she has to move somewhere else.  it will be a challenge, if anything with trying to get her into a cat box.  she would make someone a great cat.  she is very affectionate at this point.  but i can’t handle her issues.  i can lock her out of my room all the time, but i don’t want to keep my door closed.  i don’t want to live like that.  if i leave the door open, then i have constant concern i will return home to a wet bed.  it makes me sad.  it is one of those exhausting life things.  so exhausting.  in the past i would have been able to handle this.  these days i am not.  i blame it on nursing.

i think, after my fast-paced youth, i am learning to live life more slowly?  spend less.  less friends.  less activity around me.  figuring things out more slowly.  maybe this will help.

good therapy

i had a very good therapy session today.  my therapist wants me to join her group session.  she thinks it would help me learn to connect with people.  she also says it is one’s own personal hell.  but if it helps me to let people know and let people in, why not, right?  she talked about not quitting and stuff.  i am not a quitter.  right?  i don’t think i am.  but i also think i have changed since i got a divorce.

one of the reasons she thought i should consider group is i am starting to feel sort of hopeless about finding someone to love/love me.  she said we can’t do anything about there not being a lot of options or finding good men.  but, we can do something about being available if we find one, them.  i’m willing to try.

mundane things: taking my car in next week, called scott&white about my bills, got off two more mailing lists.  i felt very productive.

my therapist said today she thought my split from Ross was a really big deal.  like a divorce.  i don’t think so.  i did NOT deserve to be treated that way and i want an apology and i am mad.  and i will likely stay mad until i get an apology (which i doubt i am going to get, so i should find some other way to get over it.  probably just time.)  she asked me what i missed about patrick.  patrick and i made a good team in things that were creative, he was nerdy (i like nerdy), we had a history, we experienced lots of significant live events together.  she suggested i miss the companionship more than patrick.  i miss patrick.  but, yeah, i miss the connection.  the longer time goes on the more i let go of him even if i miss him.  andreas, i only miss the sex.  with ross, i am only mad right now.  with michael, he was cute and smart.  i really dig smart.

i asked her if the thrill goes away as you get older.  she asked me to explain.  as we talked about it, i realized that i am afraid a boy won’t be excited about me ever again.  the thing i have enjoyed about all my relationships is that the men that i’ve been involved with showed desire for me, not specifically physical desire, but, we into me.  men that i have been on dates with recently, it doesn’t feel the same.  sean was very interactive, but i always sensed i was in a slot.  maybe as we get older and are single longer these are the habits we create?  perhaps it is simply vanity, wanting to be desired so.  but i am not sure that is something i can simply stop enjoying.  perhaps i have to learn to expect less?  my expectations are too high?  but i want to day dream how much it will please me to see an email from them in my inbox.  can’t a 46 year-old find someone to be giddy about?

as i don’t have anyone in my life to even distract me, i am fixating on my aloneness.  i hope i can find a way to get above it.  it will be hard to move forward if i can’t be on top of the aloneness.

job decisions

so, the interview with seton went well.  i believe i will get an offer next week.  but whether to take it or not.  i would learn A LOT, but would probably need to quit at hospice.  which i enjoy for it’s own reasons.  i enjoy my job at st david’s too, though.  i would work 4 days every week and then 5 times a week periodically if i kept all three positions.  the pay at seton will likely be the best and COULD turn into a full-time position if i really liked it there.  so not sure what to do.  so nice to be wanted.

do you think my friends on FB think my life is perfect?  i bet they do.  how do you appropriately talk about what is missing in your life, namely, a partner?  i have learned that it is inappropriate to burden people with your crap.  sure, there is a balance, but what is that?  i want a partner.  i want someone i am excited about!  but maybe that doesn’t happen at 46.  blah, blah, blah.  anyhow.  i need a nap.

i am guessing my family is part of the 1%

that is not the 1% in terms of wealth.  it is the 1% in terms of dysfunction.  two nights ago i received a dick pict, via text, from my father.  he immediately wrote me and said he had been hacked and he didn’t know how the picture appeared on his phone (though he did call it a picture of HIS penis, which i would think he would recognize).  i explained you can’t get hacked and have people remotely send text messages with attachments.  he kept saying he was deleting my phone number and link to  not sure why he thought deleting the web address would help.  anyhow, this was VERY disturbing to me.  normally i am an address things directly sort of person when it comes to my family dysfunction, but this i want to avoid.  i don’t even want to think about it.  and yet, i am afraid.  what the HELL is going on with my dad?  had he meant to send it to someone else?  did he drunkenly take the photo?  i texted my brother.  he said that dad has sent him a dick pict, but it was a “dad/son” thing.  he also said dad had sent him a picture of the $5k realdoll sex doll my father bought.  these were “guy” things.  i don’t actually think my dad meant to send me this photo.  as you all may remember from my Mortified monologue, though sex was an open topic in my house, and we watched porn as a family, there was no funny stuff.  but i am really upset that i received it.  i have never gotten a dick pict before (because i am not interested in them.  i would actually delete someone as a friend if they did send me one) and it is REALLY bothersome.  but this is my family.  called my mom and asked her if she had ever gotten one.  she said no.  she was really stunned by it too.  mom normally has a response to everything but just wasn’t sure what to say about this.  definitely going to be a topic with my therapist tomorrow.

i have my interview with seton tomorrow (today).

met a friend of Lucy’s tonight at Haven.  he was born in Stuttgart!  it was delightful to chat about the city.  and multaschen.  and spaeztle.

still haven’t gotten my apology.  thinking maybe i shouldn’t really plan on getting it.