i had an emergency therapy session today.  i had my therapist read the email from Ross, and then i read her some of what i blogged about it.  i had called to make the appt and left a message on her VM that said “i got this email from Ross and i don’t know how to feel about it.”  she squeezed me in :>

i tried to just be open to the emotions i was feeling.  how it related to previous experiences.  she ended up using the word betrayal.  i felt betrayal at Ross’ hands.  and Andreas (though he IS a narcissist), my ex-husband, my dad.  dad replaced his first family with his second.  some CREEPY specific replacements.  same make, model, year mercedes as my mom’s, dog from same dog parents.  creepy shit.  am i so replaceable?  am i terribly useful until i am not anymore?  do i give too much of myself too easily, so that when i am tired, or i need a little of me, the person i pull from feels some huge injustice?  is that fair? (nothing’s fair heather) IS IT ONLY OBVIOUS TO ME WHAT BULLSHIT THAT IS?  people say i am not vulnerable?  seriously?  what utter bullshit when i think what has been done to me.  by people i gave myself to.  and Ross still hasn’t said he is sorry.

sean and i are just going to be friends.  i am thinking this dating thing is just FAR too complicated and i am never going to find an “emotional relationship” mate.  sean and i make lovely friends, but when expectations come into play, we are on two different playing fields.  which was his explanation of why he didn’t think it worked.  we were just too far apart of expectations.  seems an entirely reasonable explanation.  personally, i have no idea what is going on.  i know it was all fraught with tension and frustration.  i have been trying to navigate a path i have no experience with as a 46-year-old female.  perhaps if you find a “more appropriate” mate, it is an easier path.  or perhaps, it is generally hard and you just really have to work at it, but that desire wasn’t there in this case?  or perhaps, i just suck at this and need to find someone that has sympathy and is smitten enough to walk the path.  absurd.

extra unfortunate as this was my one-month anniversary from the LEEP procedure.  i can start having sex again.  and yet i have no one to have it with.  i told my therapist i just really want a new lover.  i was sure she would suggest that wasn’t the best idea.  she, in fact, said that made sense and that it would probably be a while before the hurt Ross inflicted was gone enough to start seeking to build something new.  but i’m 46-friggin-years-old.  i realize age is no factor in finding a partner, except, i feel like the older we get the more solitary we get.  it will be even harder to share two lives.

it was a good day.  i got some help from my therapist.  things are not confusing, if disappointing, with sean.  i start my insane 6 in-a-row tomorrow, then my regular schedule begins.  i have plans for myself.  direction.  but i still want to hear you’re sorry.