Monthly Archives: September 2015

emergency therapy

i had an emergency therapy session today.  i had my therapist read the email from Ross, and then i read her some of what i blogged about it.  i had called to make the appt and left a message on her VM that said “i got this email from Ross and i don’t know how to feel about it.”  she squeezed me in :>

i tried to just be open to the emotions i was feeling.  how it related to previous experiences.  she ended up using the word betrayal.  i felt betrayal at Ross’ hands.  and Andreas (though he IS a narcissist), my ex-husband, my dad.  dad replaced his first family with his second.  some CREEPY specific replacements.  same make, model, year mercedes as my mom’s, dog from same dog parents.  creepy shit.  am i so replaceable?  am i terribly useful until i am not anymore?  do i give too much of myself too easily, so that when i am tired, or i need a little of me, the person i pull from feels some huge injustice?  is that fair? (nothing’s fair heather) IS IT ONLY OBVIOUS TO ME WHAT BULLSHIT THAT IS?  people say i am not vulnerable?  seriously?  what utter bullshit when i think what has been done to me.  by people i gave myself to.  and Ross still hasn’t said he is sorry.

sean and i are just going to be friends.  i am thinking this dating thing is just FAR too complicated and i am never going to find an “emotional relationship” mate.  sean and i make lovely friends, but when expectations come into play, we are on two different playing fields.  which was his explanation of why he didn’t think it worked.  we were just too far apart of expectations.  seems an entirely reasonable explanation.  personally, i have no idea what is going on.  i know it was all fraught with tension and frustration.  i have been trying to navigate a path i have no experience with as a 46-year-old female.  perhaps if you find a “more appropriate” mate, it is an easier path.  or perhaps, it is generally hard and you just really have to work at it, but that desire wasn’t there in this case?  or perhaps, i just suck at this and need to find someone that has sympathy and is smitten enough to walk the path.  absurd.

extra unfortunate as this was my one-month anniversary from the LEEP procedure.  i can start having sex again.  and yet i have no one to have it with.  i told my therapist i just really want a new lover.  i was sure she would suggest that wasn’t the best idea.  she, in fact, said that made sense and that it would probably be a while before the hurt Ross inflicted was gone enough to start seeking to build something new.  but i’m 46-friggin-years-old.  i realize age is no factor in finding a partner, except, i feel like the older we get the more solitary we get.  it will be even harder to share two lives.

it was a good day.  i got some help from my therapist.  things are not confusing, if disappointing, with sean.  i start my insane 6 in-a-row tomorrow, then my regular schedule begins.  i have plans for myself.  direction.  but i still want to hear you’re sorry.

there is a kelis song about this

i asked Ross if he could tell me why he treated me so badly the last few weeks he was in town.  tonight i received an email with his answer:

“I have had this email in my drafts folder for a while. Talking about how you fucked something up so completely and alienated your best friend is…well… I fucked up.

I fell in love with a very sick person that had been emotional devastated over the last 2 months to a degree that I did not comprehend. In my infatuation with that person combined with the distance that had grown between us over the last several  months leading up to my leaving for Alaska led me to distance us even further.

I was on the verge of giving up many of my friends in the pursuit of this ill-advised relationship and because I am closer to you than anyone else you felt the affects most acutely. In hindsight I hate myself for the course of actions that I took. I was letting someone else’s insecurities dictate how I would behave and what friends I would have. I was looking for strength in a relationship but found only fear and cowardice that brought suffering and pain to people that I love, most of all to you.

As I said previously, I acted monstrously to you and you have every reason to hate me. “

i have ALL sorts of emotions about this.  and i can’t sleep.  so i am going to brain storm.  if you don’t want to see hurt, insecure, pathetic heather, you should skip the rest of this entry.

i’ll start with some later emotions.  i feel a fool.  this is what i get for dating someone 17 years younger than me.  this is what i get for not sticking to my guns about the relationship i want and when i break-up with someone.  it isn’t all my fault, but as the, seemingly, far more mature and experienced person in the relationship, i should have known better.

perhaps i am just REALLY bad at picking partners (Sean, being the exception, though he isn’t actually a partner).  i think perhaps i am just really bad since my marriage ended (again, except for Sean, who i am not actually in a relationship with).  andreas is a classic narcissist and ross is 29.  then again, i really feel like not dating anyone would probably be my best bet at this point.  horrible role models, unable to learn better habits.  safest to just stay out of it.  i can always work.  there are always shifts that need covering.  i would get amazing joy out of paying off all my debt.

did you try and rebuild the distance?  no.  i will not take the blame for this.  it seems like the distance felt was not having sex as often. coming home and just expecting to have sex was a distance i felt.  that was never what i offered.

some initial emotions.  coward is a thought that comes to mind.  not about myself.  he hid it from me.  he avoided me.  after using me as his strength, of course.  coward.  which he remains.

other emotions…i want Ross to hurt.  i have never consciously said that before.  some people may have felt that way about my behavior, but i have never consciously felt it.  in the past, i think behavior that felt like that was just bad habits learned at home and self-preservation.  this is anger.  totally embraced anger.  i want the thought of me to pop into his head at the worse moments and ruin his day.  and it feels good.  though i realize, intellectually, it is a bad thing.  of course, people tell me i need to be more vulnerable. i think embracing my feelings, in this case, is being more vulnerable.  of course, another feeling i am feeling is more walls. i need no one.

and he fell in love with someone?  really?  just like that?  what does that say about his loving me?  i can hardly trust that emotion, at this point, can i?  of course, at his sister’s wedding, i knew she had her sights on him.  it was SO painfully obvious.  how come i am the only one that sees these things?

and how pathetic is he?  remember that note i sent him about how he aways came to me when he was hurt?  he was looking to replace me because i started distancing us in preparation for his move?  really?  i am that replaceable?  and doesn’t it seem obvious ONE MUST FIND STRENGTH IN THEMSELVES?!  but really, it is all because he is 29.  25 when i started this ill-fated relationship.  such a fool, such a waste of 4 years.

of course, i have NO idea what i would have done for those 4 years anyway.  i was too busy to try and build anything meaningful and real.  i really need to learn to go with my instinct. listen to the little voice. it was fun at times. there were times it was exactly what i needed.  just not recently.

he is just like his father.  of course, i am probably just like my mother (or a lot, at least) and that doesn’t particularly help.  at 46, i have overcome some poor relationship lessons i learned from her, i have grown into a different person than her.  perhaps Ross will grow away from his father as well.

he has never actually said he was sorry.  never used the word.  an important word.

why do i even care?  i’d really like to turn this emotion off.  probably not a good idea, probably best to let myself feel everything i am feeling.  perhaps that is how one learns?  but what i really want to do is shut it all out of my mind.  bury these feelings by dedicating myself to something else.

the tattoo on my right arm comes in handy again.

so does the Kelis song “caught out there”, with its perfect line of emotion, “i hate you so much right now!”

i am sure i will have new emotions as the days go by.  that is how life works.  i miss being married to patrick, but i am over it.  it just took time.

blue again? haven’t we already done this?

i am SUPER blue tonight.  it is a whole bunch of things together.

i am eating raw green beans in bed.  beanie was my nickname as a kid.  this is not something i am blue about.

i had 2 hospice shifts this weekend.  there is so much unhappiness amongst the employees.  it makes me sad.  i just want to help people who are dying.  why so many politics?  i actually think i like my job at St. David’s better.  which makes me sad, because i like my hospice patients better.  then again, healthcare is turning into a popularity contest, about “customer satisfaction” instead of health.  it’s depressing.

i have a cash flow problem the first week of Oct.  i hate that.

i feel a bit lost today.  i mean, i enjoy my life.  i feel that i have found my place.  work.  friends.  social events.  but, then there is my ever changing, not in a good way, body.  so much work.  do i want a relationship? it’s very hard.  if i don’t try, do i turn into my mother who got horny at 65(ish)?  is my reluctance to make an effort in a relationship because i don’t feel it, or my habit of being more comfortable with a sex-based relationship?  to broken people?  am i broken people co-dependent?  it’s all just too hard to think about.  i want easier things.  haven’t i paid my dues?  of course, that doesn’t matter.  but still, i’ve paid my dues.

the plan

have i mentioned i will be working sun-tues exclusively starting in Oct?  i’ll desperately miss sci-fy sunday and 80s night, but the regular shifts will help me get control over my life.   i can put together a better routine.  unfortunately, i am scheduled to work 6 days in a row the last week of Sept and first week of Oct.  oops.

a case

i have a terribly case of the sads.  it’s a little bit of everything.  it’ll pass but i have to work through it and i’m tired of working so hard.  it sucks that i like my job so much, but i can’t handle the timing.  i’ve asked my boss to change my schedule to sun-tues.  i don’t want to give up 80s night, but i need control over my life.  i need to feel good inside again.


i used to have a number of readers.  but my posts have gotten so sporadic that few people follow.  OR SO I THOUGHT! (nyah-ah-ah…you know the sneer that evil people make).  it seems i have friends, who know my friends, that read my blog.  and are interested in interfering in my love life.  WHAT?! someone informed sean that i had written about my strange feeling experience with him at my bday event.  he was not pleased. (no clue if he is still going to continue to read my blog).  ANYHOW, sean felt i was way off base and was upset i didn’t address him directly.  totally fair.  BUT this is all new to me.  when we did talk about it, i tried to explain (which we have actually talked about before) that i have NEVER dated conventionally before.  married suddenly.  all my relationships after that started because of sex.  i consciously ignored red flags in both relationships.  andreas is a narcissist.  boytoy is 29 (25 when we started sleeping together).  so, now, i am considering red flags.  or at least things that feel weird.  but i am new at this and i don’t trust my judgement.  and i have to consider how things feel to me.  i am not comfortable with my sudden reactions.  which is TOTALLY weird.  i sent an email to patrick a couple of years ago.  i asked him if if i had been very open with my feelings when we were still married.  seems to me i was and this poker face i have is since i moved to austin and since my divorce.  he didn’t reply.  which is fine, some times he does, some times he doesn’t.  but i think it is important.  i have trust issues.  SERIOUS trust issues.  for good reason.  whatever.  i am trying very hard to do this whole dating thing.  but it’s hard.  i am 46 years old and have never really done this.  sean suggested he would prefer speaking directly in the moment.  but i am not ready for that.  sorry, just not.  i mean, i am trying but i am not there yet.

not sure where this leaves sean and i.  at the end of our chat he said he didn’t expect resolution in the moment.  which makes me uncomfortable.  but my therapist said the closer i got to him the more uncomfortable i would become. (i realize how cliche it is to say “my therapist said” but she did and it’s helpful).  and i am.  my gut feeing is to run.  but i like him.  (and he’s hot).  and i don’t trust my gut feelings these days.  i am trying to break a bad habit in dating.  i am going to keep trying.