the day BEFORE my birthday was awesome. drunkin’ putt-putt was not as drunkin’ as i expected but it was REALLY funny. LOTS of talk of balls. juvenile but SUPER funny. then i went to elysium for 80s night. a few other people showed up there. they didn’t play any of the songs i requested but it was mostly new wave. which was awesome. DANCED by legs down to the knees. my feeties hurt so much by the time i got home they kept me awake! got a pedicure today and it helped a lot.
today was blue. i dunno. none of my clothing fits. i feel awkward. everybody says i am so gorgeous, but i’d like someone to say i am…something else. clever. dedicated. hardworking. something else.
i think i would like to date a nurse. we could relate. theoretically sean and i were going to have sex tonight, but he was too tired from being out so late last night (cause we’re old). and i was relieved. he said something last night that really bothered me. he said, at elysium, that he had planned to pounce after dancing not realizing i would dance my legs down to the knees. i replied that i had worked the night before and i wanted to be at my peak. he replied i didn’t need to be, all i needed was to be there. that REALLY bothered me. and i told him that. he said i was misunderstanding him but i told him to just stop. just stop. told lucy about it (lucy is my new awesome goth roommate!) and she said he may have meant i wouldn’t have to do anything. but that it was weird. it made me uncomfortable. i dunno. something says not to trust him. and i worry that is just me being untrusting, untrusting because of my history. being unfairly suspicious. being chicken. i am SO much more comfortable with a sex relationship, not a emotion relationship. maybe my weird feeling about sean is because i just don’t know how to be in an emotional relationship? and maybe my spidey-sense is telling me to beware, this isn’t the one for me.
if not, who?
i feel old and broken.