blue birthday

the day BEFORE my birthday was awesome.  drunkin’ putt-putt was not as drunkin’ as i expected but it was REALLY funny.  LOTS of talk of balls.  juvenile but SUPER funny.  then i went to elysium for 80s night. a few other people showed up there.  they didn’t play any of the songs i requested but it was mostly new wave.  which was awesome.  DANCED by legs down to the knees.  my feeties hurt so much by the time i got home they kept me awake!  got a pedicure today and it helped a lot.

today was blue.  i dunno. none of my clothing fits.  i feel awkward.  everybody says i am so gorgeous, but i’d like someone to say i am…something else.  clever.  dedicated. hardworking.  something else.

i think i would like to date a nurse.  we could relate.  theoretically sean and i were going to have sex tonight, but he was too tired from being out so late last night (cause we’re old).  and i was relieved.  he said something last night that really bothered me.  he said, at elysium, that he had planned to pounce after dancing not realizing i would dance my legs down to the knees.  i replied that i had worked the night before and i wanted to be at my peak.  he replied i didn’t need to be, all i needed was to be there.  that REALLY bothered me.  and i told him that.  he said i was misunderstanding him but i told him to just stop.  just stop.  told lucy about it (lucy is my new awesome goth roommate!) and she said he may have meant i wouldn’t have to do anything.  but that it was weird.  it made me uncomfortable.  i dunno.  something says not to trust him.  and i worry that is just me being untrusting, untrusting because of my history.  being unfairly suspicious.  being chicken.  i am SO much more comfortable with a sex relationship, not a emotion relationship.  maybe my weird feeling about sean is because i just don’t know how to be in an emotional relationship?  and maybe my spidey-sense is telling me to beware, this isn’t the one for me.

if not, who?

i feel old and broken.

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